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My Life...continued21:57 Apr 09 2007
Times Read: 792
I was brought up, believing in the knight in shining armor and the romantic gestures of a man in love. I lived on reading romance novels, where the man was supportive, protective, loving and knew just the right words to say. I loved the chick flicks where the man showed true devotion, desperation to please and make the woman smile. I loved the movies like Robin Hood and 3 musketeers, the time period of love, honor and loyalty. Where women were protected and cherished.
Unfortunately in this day in age, I found more of the evil men than the glowing hero. I married two of them. Both abusive and selfish. Both putting me down and making me believe that their failures were my fault. I came away from both of these marriage, with little or no self esteem and the believe that everything was my fault. Until Josh.
I began talking to Josh about 2 years ago. Eventually after I was able to get past the shy boy and get to know the intelligent man, we became best of friends. We went through so much together. Loss of jobs, learning of incurable disease that I have to deal with for the rest of my life, no income, no money and the trials and tribulations of our marriages. Since the middle of last year, I have been helping Josh with dealing with his marriage. Between coming to terms with the loss of the marriage, dealing with the lies she has told friends and family of how she was treated by him and then again being jobless in the middle of it all, we began to depend on each other. As I did my best to hold up Josh and give him hope for the future, my marriage began to crumble. My husband seemed to not care anymore about what happen with me. He wasn’t interested in making love and I degraded myself to begging for a simple kiss or hug. My self esteem was lower than ever and I blamed myself as I saw another marriage about to fail. I tried to talk to my husband but it was his way or the highway and he helped me make the decision when he told me that….and then followed it with “get the fuck out.” He gave up, so did I.
As Josh was getting back on his feet, mine were kicked out from under me. Josh turned around and became the supportive friend that I had been to him for the past 6 months. He did his best to dispel my belief that my marriage failure was my fault. That I was too ugly too love. That I wasn’t lovable. That I wasn’t deserving of happiness, because maybe I wasn’t meant to be loved. Maybe I wasn’t meant to have a family and live happily ever after like in all the stories that I read.
As I sat in a hotel room, with my two dogs, not knowing where I was going to go or what I was going to do, I had Josh. Josh telling me that everything would be ok, that he would be there for me, like I was there for him. He did his best to make me laugh and was truly distressed when he would hear me cry. Often crying with me. Several weeks after getting kicked out, Josh and I had an amazing conversation one night. He went on to tell me that everything I did in my marriage, he only wished his wife would do. Taking care of the house but most of all taking care of him and his needs. The need for someone to talk to, share things with and just to be listened too. That one night, we talked and learned that we both wanted what we tried to give to others but it wasn’t appreciated. We had often said I love you. It was as friends, as close friends that needed to know someone out there in the world cared. Yet things changed….
As we spoke, we realized we had one obstacle. Meeting. What happens if when we met, the spark wasn’t there? The desire wasn’t there? Josh lived in Washington state and I am living with family in NY. We didn’t know if we could stand this long distance relationship, not knowing if there was a physical one too. Josh got time off of work and flew across the country, to see if there was something to this relationship. We met in the baggage, dressed as we each requested. He wanted me in jeans and a black sweater, I added some black boots with heels and the necklace he sent me. He was wearing the same. I got to the airport early, not wanting to miss him or make him wait. When I saw him, I couldn’t believe he was really here. But his head was down, as he looked at me. The shy boy had come back out. Here we were, the best of friends, the keeper of each others secret desires and we are shy. I walked up and hugged him tight. We fit perfectly together, even with my 5’2”, to his 6’2”. We fit. I pulled back but he wouldn’t let me go, but he dipped his head and brushed his lips across mine and it was wonderful. We couldn’t believe we were finally giving each other the hugs that we could only imagine online. We couldn’t believe we were finally kissing, touching and we didn’t disappear. We were real.
The following week, I felt like I was in my own romance story. I found a guy that cared about me. That would give me a hug, as I was doing the dishes. That would hold me the whole night long but understand my need for distance at times, as long as we were still touching. That would cook for me, that would listen to me, that truly cared. I had a bad day from my MS and Fatigue. I tried to push through it, not wanting to ruin his vacation but I finally was honest and told him. As I sat there cringing, waiting to hear how I ruined everything…all I heard was, “Ok, no problem. Lets get into our pj’s and watch videos all day.” We did and when I couldn’t stay awake anymore, due to the pain and the fatigue. Josh walked me upstairs, gave me a back massage to stop the pain, tucked me into bed and kissed me good night, telling me not to wait up for him, as he went down to have some tea.
He was appalled at the state of my clothes. It had been years since I had shopped for myself and even if I did, it ran to jeans and a t shirt. Since my first marriage I was chastied for “attempting to look like a girl.” I was a tomboy but at times I wanted to be treated like a woman. Josh seemed to understand that and he took me clothes shopping. Girls, I have never been clothes shopping, where I had a man basically dressing me. He bought me a wonderful silk blouse, in a deep red wine color. He also bought me a skirt, a dinner jacket, a lace blouse and a decorative t shirt. Then he took me shopping for a shoe that was something other than sneakers or moccasins. When he took me to dinner, I dress for him and the look in his eyes, told me he wasn’t dressing me as much for his benefit but for mine.
He made me feel confident, loved…..I guess the word is Cherished. I finally felt what my mom had been telling me all these years. I am scared to say that I love him, as my previous relationships were a disaster, but I do. Its different than the others. I know I am loved unconditionally…for the person I am. Not what he can make me into. I love you dear. Thank you for proving that there are knight in shining armors still around in this time.
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