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The sunlight beams into my house like I haven't seen in many years (since I was a teen, living in the city, coming to this house on the weekends to visit my aunt and uncle).



Finally getting off my ass to get new (working) blinds and curtains for the windows, I've eliminated the need for the multitudes of blankets that have covered my windows since I moved in over four years ago.



Add to that the recent acquisition of an abundance of plants, soaking up the sunlight, adding their energy to the atmosphere, and my home has become very invigorating yet at the same time, relaxing.



I cannot wait until next year, to start cultivating a full herbiary. In the past, I've only done peppermint, basil, sometimes oregano. Next up, I'll be adding sage, catnip, anise, and I need to learn whether or not I can cultivate valerian or kava in this area.



In the mean time; read, learn, practice, and all the time, pray for some damned good snow! If we don't get a good winter this time, we'll get cooked out again next summer...

They were right after all.



People born of the earth element really do feel good after taking time to toil in the soil.



I'm sore, I'm bruised, I'm blistered, but I feel pretty good, too.



Or maybe I'm more of a masochist than I thought...

Tonight, as I lay out in the moonlight, thinking of all the things I've learned over the years, from the Catholic practices I was taught in my earliest years, my Judeo-Christian upbringing, to my studies over the past year of Wicca and the mystic arts, I've considered a re-examination of what I've decided to believe in.



I was started with one religious belief that seems to change its base laws whenever the need arises, worships the vessel which brought the deity to the human realm more than it worships the deity itself, and then tells me that if I don't worship the unseen, unheard, unknown deity, my soul will be cast into fire. (Now put your money into the collection plate, and bring me an altar boy)



I was raised with a religious belief which in one breath tells me that I must love all around me, live in peace with them, and when someone punches me in the eye, I should step around the corner and thank the deity for a lesson in humility.

In another breath, this religion tells me that all non-believers need to be preached to, or crucified for their disbelief, all the while telling me that if I were to do the crucifying, I'm doing the lord's work, and that I'll also be judged harshly for taking the life of another.

Oh, and if I believe in the unseen, unheard, unknown deity, someone is going to drag me out of my home, throw a tire around my neck, and set it ablaze. And if I don't believe, my soul will be cast into fire. (Now call today and pledge me all of your life savings; I need another vacation home)



I've even spent time studying Buddhism, where I was taught that I should seek knowledge, put that knowledge to good use for myself and those around me, and to not trouble my mind with trifling thoughts or petty people.

And if I don't believe? (yawn) Oh well, that's your choice. No hard feelings. Hope you'll reconsider. All that.



Then I spend most of this year studying Paganism and Wicca; religion based upon the ancient and time honoured beliefs and practices of my ancestors, and which also predates the prime religious roots of my upbringing by millennia.

I learn more about peace and love, unity with nature, the power that I've always seen all around me (but the roots of my upbringing has always branded as evil), the love and respect of the natural world we continuously destroy (because the great deity is going to return and save us from the repercussions of our own stupidity and negligence of our only home).

I learn more about natural medicine--something else branded as evil by the religious roots of my upbringing. (Because our lord didn't create the plants, herbs and roots to give us life and keep us healthy--he created hydroxypropyl methylcellulose for that)

I learn more about focusing myself and channeling natural energies to do good for those around me, as well as for myself. Just don't do no harm, or I'm screwed.

And if I decide not to believe in or worship the deities I see every day and every night of my life? Well, to each his own.



You know; before now, my line about being a "sun worshipper" was just a bad joke or cheesy pun of how I'm energised by the sun.



But now, I wonder if it shouldn't be something more: should I continue to worship that which I never see, never hear, never feel, following the teachings laid forth by the "youngest" religion, which also adopts most of its customs from those religions it brands as evil?



Or should I follow in the footsteps of my father's father, and follow the teachings of a peaceful religion which teaches unity, co-support of my brethren, and does NOT tell me to go forth and commit wholesale genocide of non-believers, for which I'll also be punished for later?



Religious Foundations: shaken, not stirred.

I already have time off coming up; starting a three day weekend, and in another week, I'll be taking a whole week off. Plenty of time to get lost in the woods...



In the mean time, I'm fighting off severe negativity: anger, anxiety, hate, all haunt me.



Add to that the long process of getting accustomed to new spectacles, and I've got a slight, dizzying headache.



So to start, I've just spent my first half hour home, in stark meditation. Stark, because my mind was almost completely devoid of image or thought.



As the candle flickers before me (white, because I need that positivity), and I listen to Emilie Autumn fiddle out the finest chords of La Folia, the smell of incense and sage wafting past, all I can see is the beautiful image of a "dark world" stranger trailing her bow across the strings of a fine violin, as the trees around her blow in the winds of the elaborate sounds created by her hands and heart.



The leaves blow past my body as I sit on the cool earth, star struck, watching as this goddess of sound and soul plays her song, captivating me with the power of the emotions emanating from her strings.



How can anyone manipulate an inanimate object so? How does she make this amalgam of wood, string, and catgut speak the words that no mortal has ever uttered?



My soul dances to these beautiful sounds, even as my body sits still, absorbing the energy of the music. The candle flickers in my eyes, reminding me that somewhere beyond this realm, there truly is a world of light waiting for me. The sage cleanses my space, pushing all negativity away for another day.



I open my eyes, realize that I'm actually rather cold, and the song has repeated more than once.



But all together, I feel rested, relaxed, clean of mind and soul.



Now to find some food, for I am also drained of the energy I absorbed...

The end of one of my troubles. Feeling much better now.



Been to the eye doctor, found out my eyes aren't as bad as I expected. Unlike the rest of the men in my family in their early thirties, I'm not stuck with heavy prescription, but rather a pair of generic readers. (Yes, in Missouri, you can get reading glasses "over the counter") Basically, anything withing seven feet, glasses; anything beyond, good without.



Still suffering my damned cravings though. Still craving the taste of blood. Craving that full contact energy absorption I can only get from being curled up, flesh to flesh, with a woman. Craving a good storm, something to get me energised.



Cravings, no end in sight.

So I'd made arrangements to help my brother again with a white scry, and he shows up at my house stoned off his ass.



Idiot!



I know that some people do their best visualisations while under altered states of consciousness, but my brother is NOT one of them.



How can you achieve a scrying mindset when you're just as likely to visualise winged hotdogs flying through the clouds as you are the people who are trying to do you harm?



Needless to say, tonight's activity didn't seem to make any difference at all.



Oh well, can't help anyone who won't help themselves. Believe me, I've tried.



I'll just crash out for the night, listen to my music, the sound of the light rain on my roof, and think back to my ex girlfriend, and how greatly amusing our break up was. (I can be cruel when I want to be...)

It's as though I'm waiting for a miracle moment. The moment that will change my life forever.



I need to practice what I preach. I need to stand up and make things happen, make the difference in my own life.



Nothing is going to change unless I change it for me, right?



Maybe an end to the misery, the pain, the loneliness, the cravings.



Quite a lot of maybes, and all I need do is stand up and act...

COMMENTS

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Lucifax
00:29 Oct 12 2012

Like me, i have to take it, kill it, if not, steal it.

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POST COMMENT

I'm ready for bed.



I'm ready to sleep the loneliness and pain away.



I'm ready for the day, the week, even the year to end.



I'm ready to get lost in the woods, fall asleep, never wake up. Bask in the essence of the natural world.



I'm ready to see the winter set in, like the Nordic apocalypse, freezing the life out of my reality with its blank, expressionless promise of a new beginning.



Oh yeah, I am so ready.

At this point, my eyes and I have been suffering annoying "glitches" for about eight months, and terrible pain for the past two weeks.



I've read probably five pages in the past two weeks.



I can barely see the monitor at work.



Headaches and pressure behind the eyes, almost from the moment I wake up, and until the time I go to sleep.



My lifelong blind spot has gotten bad enough to hide an entire moving vehicle.



And people wonder why I need that powerful, unstoppable feeling?



Yeah, I need to go find me a victim, steal me some energy, feel better again. The usual "sparks" don't help; I need that full contact absorption, an infusion of living energy to revive the pained parts of me.



So much to ponder, so little time.



Maybe instead of resorting to psychic thievery, I should just wait until the next storm, and go get myself lost in the woods; partake of some of that raw, natural energy...



Ah yes, the party never stops in Jaethen's head...