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what am i going to do with my damn life all i do is put up with a drunk everyday and i'm getting sick and fucking tired of it shes becoming my mom with drinking everyday and i have to live with it and deal with her fucking meaness but when shes sober shes nice as can be ugh (why me?)

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ReaperSoulMate
02:07 Sep 29 2019

Sometimes a bird must leave the nest no matter how hard it is to leave like I left my father with a cancer situation it's either you keep taking care of them you do YOU for once!.~Reaper

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ReaperSoulMate
02:08 Sep 29 2019

Also it doesn't half to be why you anymore make the change now. You got someone else there that guy he can watch over her.

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my life has been filled with nothing but darkness ever since my mom passed away it even gotten darker when my dad passed away i was just getting to re-know him when he passed away it did'nt hurt me as bad as it did when my mom died i never thought i would be saying goodbye to my parents i always thought they would of lived forever never to die but the day came where i had to say goodbye to them it was really hard.
i sometimes dream about my mom being here with me but then i wake up and realize that shes really gone i have a really hard time knowing i will never hear her sing or call out my name when she needed me for something but now i live with her twin sister its kinda like having her here with me damn i miss my mom so much there is not a day that goes by that i dont think about her.

I turn around and see the pure sunset falling upon us
i take a deep breath breathing in the fresh air knowing that no ones around to ruin my day i start to think to myself what a wonderful day it is

well today is starting out to be a good day
i ran to the store for my aunt and then got some coffee from the people upstairs from me cause i ran out of coffee which really sucks but now i have a pot making right now cant wait to have a big cup full and relax

i was watching lana build on minecraft when she tried to hit my char like a brick all i could do was laugh i so needed that good laugh she always makes my day when i'm all depressed and feeling a little down she steps up and makes me laugh

another day has gone by with no drama to be had
i can now relax and play my games like i do everyday

sitting here playing minecraft with lana trying to relax a little but it seems like i'm not allowed cause my aunt keeps calling my name all the time and i'm getting sick and tired of hearing her call out my name being called ugh.

i'm about to play world war z cant believe how much i paid for this game but its worth it i find it fun to play and it gets my mind off shit thats been going on in my life i get to kill zombies yay me lol

I know its been awhile since i wrote an entry...there has been alot going on since the last time i wrote anything here i been sticking up for lana the past few weeks cause thats what friends do for eachother.
there has been alot of shit going on around here that's been started by julie shes been starting shit with her mom over stupid shit all i could do is shake my head at all this shit going on here..i been staying out of it cause its between lana and julie yeah i will stand by lana's side through all this no matter what happens i will always be by her side to give her a shoulder to cry on when she needs it the most.

I took a brake from VR for a few days to get away from the drama thats been going on around here but its good to be back its time to sit back and relax and not worry about anything i dont need my blood presure to go up again cause of the stress of things.

let me say this i have never seen so much disrespect as i did last night lana's daughter was so disrespectful towards her mother last night and needs to learn how to respect her elders she might be 26 but shes still hell of alot younger then lana and i man if i ever disrespect my mom like she did hers i would of had my ass handed to me on a golden plater.
i had to take one of my blood pressure pills because i got over worked over the shit that julie pulled lastnight like i told lana if my blood presure gets to high i might have a heart attack so i need to stay calm.

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WickedlyWays
20:19 Sep 19 2019

Same sis i agree and is bullshit how shes treating me but I guess I have a weight lifted off my shoulder as well since shes no longer in my care so in all I do not have to worry if shes ok she says shes ok so lets let it be here from now on and move on with our lives since I had given her a hell of a life now she wants to make me the bad guy and I abuse her and use her bull shit shes under my roof so there has to be rules some times and bills to pay is needed if your gonna be in my roof but i guess she cant understand the concept no matter were she lives theres gonna be chores and money to be handed out to someone other than her self, I hate to break it to her but the grass aint greener on the other side which makes me laugh cause I have street smarts and she does not. Remember the time i lived in my car yeah it was pretty rough but i dealt with it cause it was a defante reality check for me.

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I been thinking alot lately about things thats been going on in my life or even memory's that i reather forget and just lock them deep inside those are the memory's that make me sad and wonder why me why did it have to happen to me i dont ever want to remember that awful night i thought i forgot about those memory's that i kept deep inside for so very long but they found their way out and making me remember what happened to me on that fearful night i wish i could forget and just move on with my life like i done so long ago i learned to deal with it and put deep inside me where no one could make me talk about it ever again.

well today i woke up with a small headache which lasted all day its slowly starting to go away i did'nt even have to take any headache meds well else not yet.
right now i'm sitting here playing minecraft with lana i was playing world war z for abit but then i had to walk to the store for my aunt twice cause she spilled her drink so i had to go get her more well now i'm in my comfy clothes and im not going anywhere i'm in for the day.

after i get done with the laundry and the chores i have to do i'm gonna play my new game that i got yesterday its called world war z its a fun game to play its where you kill zombies and lots of em

what can i say actally theres nothing much to say
my day has just starte trying to drink my coffee just to wake up abit but no i'm not allowed i have to help my aunt with damn laundry ugh i hate doing this i really do she really enjoys telling me what to do this is one of the reasons why i miss having my own place i dont know why i even agreed to move in with her the first place but i did and now i'm stuck with her ugh

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Dakotah
17:04 Sep 15 2019

Thank the Gods for coffee, right? Why are you stuck with your Aunt and can't get your own place again?

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DreamEscape
17:37 Sep 15 2019

well i made her a promise after my mom passed away that i would never leave her pluse i help her with bills and part of the rent maybe someday i'll find my own place but until then i'll keep helping her

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I sometimes feel like i want to explode and just attack someone the shit the person says really annoys me to no end i wish it would stop and that person goes on with their live and not start shit like normal.

i woke up with a bad headache but it did'nt last long though so i did'nt have to take my headache meds thank god it went away sometimes it could last along time depends on what type of headache it is.
when i was with my ex here in newbaltimore i was couch riden for close to amonth cause of a really bad headache i could'nt even move my head or even get off the couch it hurt that bad to even move i was close to going to the hospital cause of it but i just stayed on the couch until the headache went away i had to have no sound or even lights on cause it felt like my head was gonna explode i felt really sick cause of it. and when i was with my other ex in lapeer michigan i had a bad period i thought i was gonna die i was really pale i could'nt even move i was rolled into a ball crying the cramps were that bad it took a friend of the ex to make me go to the hospital we had to walk there and every step i made hurt really bad it felt like i was gonna die the doctors at the hospital said that i was just having a really really bad period and they gave me some meds to slow down the bleeding and make the cramps go away which worked within a few days i was feeling alot better now i have'nt even had a period going on a year i'm starting the change of life which makes me really happy cause i really hated being on my periods even though it only lasted 3 days but i still did'nt like it.

well the weather is changing and my bones are hurting cause of it but i learned to deal with the pain its been happening for few years now
my blood presure is a little high so the doctor put me on some meds for it i been taking it as said on the bottle even my bipolar meds are new to me trying to get used to it though my health will get better in time.

I stand alone with nothing but the clothes upon my back
i look upon the moon and stars and just smile with a warm feeling within my heart and soul i feel the darkness disappear hearing it scream as it disappears into the night.
i never knew the feeling that the moon and stars could give me until that wonderful night i looked upon them its a start of a new life a new chapter thats being written about my life.
i been hurt to many times by people i thought of as friends but to findout the hard way that they were never a true friend they turned around and stabbed me in the back to many times now its time to remain in the circle of friends that showed me what a true friend really is.

i draw back into the darkness i once belonged and now that i'm back where i belong no one can bother me anymore this darkness i'm talking about is covering my soul and making my heart as hard as stone i been stabed in the back to many times by people i thought i knew they showed me they just cant be trusted anymore i have to turn the page and start a new page in my book of life and remaine with the true friends i now have in my life.

been set out on my own since i was 18 never knew about life until i gotten older and end up having a baby that was 23 years ago wow i feel old cant believe its been that long since i had my daughter and now shes a mom herself i have a grandson who is 4 years old and soon to be a big brother dont know if she had the baby yet but i,m so proud of her she made a life for herself only if she would allow me to see my grandbabies that would make me so happy so they can get to know me the last time i saw my grandson he was just crawling around.
it brakes my heart to think my grandbabies will never know who iam to them cause my daughters being a little bitch to me all because of my past and how things were back then my ex and his mom put things into her head that was not true about me yeah i made a few mistakes but i tried to fix them and get my life together which i did it was not easy to do but i did it with no help to be had.

well today has been a good day i spend some time with lana on skype and some on minecraft iam in such a good mood right now and there is no way of ruining it for me.
i been trying to get ahold of my ex but it seems he removed me from his friends list on playstation and i got a feeling that its because of his ugly ass girlfriend told him to remove me or she,ll brake it off with him i never thought he would do that we known eachother for along time and he gone and done that eh so what it dont hurt me none.

i just woke up having my second cup of coffee trying to wake up and my fucking aunt is being a pain in the ass right now all i want to do is wake up i just took my meds waiting for them to kick in ugh cant even do that she always bosses me around when i just got up out of bed.
(it kinda feels good to bitch gets it off my shoulders)

i been dealing with alot of shit the past few days with my depression sky high and my bipolar and ptsd acting up i been jumping down peoples throats as of lately alot of shits been bothering me yeah i dont show it offten but my mental health has been bugging me to death to the point i just cant handle it anymore but i dont cut myself anymore have,nt in a very long time cause i have friends to talk to when i feel depressed they talk to me thats what friends are for like when lanas feeling alittle down i,m always there for her to lean on and i will always be her rock just like she,ll always be mine we never leave eachother,s side we always talk on skype and we play minecraft together.
i always find something to do to keep myself busy to keep my mind off of shit and to keep myself calm cat and dave will never get to me they can keep giving me 1s cause i will keep fighting back i wont just stand there and just let them play their little games that they always play.

i have been some what calm since i took my new meds which is nice to have yeah i been sleeping alot cause of it i guess it will take some getting use to.
so i,m just sitting here drinking coffee and writing in my journal yeah i been doing alot of writing as of late just to keep my mind calm i also been playing alot of mindcraft lately its also been keeping me at a calm state.
my ex removed me from his friends list on playstation4 cause of his ugly ass girlfriend makes me want to throw up in my mouth everytime i see her ugly ass face yeah i know its mean to say but i just cant help myself she makes me so fucking angry sometimes no wonder i lost my damn temper towards her and the shit she does i,m so happy shes off my friends list i hope they have a wonderful life together and just leave me the hell alone i want nothing to do with them anymore.

another bullshit coming from your damn mouth you need to learn to keep your cum sucker shut and leave me and lana alone i dont want to put up with your damn shit anymore i,m over it oh and stay the hell out of my profile and journal your no longer welcomed on my side of hell.

well i woke up this morning in a good mood for a change until my aunt started to boss me around this damn early all i want to do is to wake up but no i,m not allowed to do that ugh.
please just let me be in peace for awhile all i want is to see if my new meds work or not so far their doing just fine but if my aunt pushes me i will lose my damn temper at her and that i just dont want to do.

just sitting drinking coffee and relaxing playing mincraft yeah i have been on this game alot the past few days waiting to go to my doctors appt today i,m hoping i get what i want which is something much stronger to help with my moods which has been really bad the past few days if it was not for lana i would of done something stupid to myself i,m normally a happy preson thats in a good mood most of the time.
i need stonger meds i,m praying he,ll give it to me i been really depressed and crying alot it comes out of the blue the crying thing
i just dont know anymore all i want to do is crawl into a deep hole and never come out i dont like the way i,m feeling right now i feel lost and confused like not myself.
there are times i just want to write a letter to my family telling them how much i love them all and then just end it all thats how bad my bipolar ptsd and depression is right now but i know one thing i will pull through one way or another theres not anyone in this damn world that will never make it worse for me i will get through this on my own.
as long as i have my meds to help me ugh i wish my mom was still here to help me through this yeah she was a big time drunk but i know one thing she would of helped pull me out of this funk god i miss her so much she was my rock when things got bad she always sat down with me and talked when she was sober enough to even talk but i did have my aunts to take her place when i needed to talk to someone they were always there for me when i needed them the most.
my mom was both mom and dad to me she had to work two jobs to takecare of me cause my dad was a lowlife back then he never helped my mom with me which got him thrown in jail many times for not paying child support and when i gotten older he told my mom one time that he was to busy with his new family to even spend anytime with me i always took it out on my mom when he never showed up to get me and then when i was in my late 20s he came to my grandmas with my uncle and they both gave me some money for my birthday i always thought he was trying to buy my love i love my dad as much as i love my mom but he was never in my life growing up he did,nt get to watch me grow into the woman iam today.
now that both of my parents are gone i been living with my aunt the past 4 years now shes been helping me with my money and bills along with the rent yeah i miss being on my own having my own space was very nice i never get time to myself now she always has to put her nose where it dont belong but what can i do about it.

all i was doing last night was playing minecraft with lana and having fun with her i dont get to see her offten as i want so we sometimes play games together or just talk on skype all night it depends on our mood reather we want to hop on a game or not.
yeah she might be hated on this site but i dont hate her one bit i really dont care what she did or done like i said many times and i will say it again shes my bestfriend has been for a very long time now and i will keep sticking up for her no matter what.
i been staying to myself alot but lately things has been getting out of control over stupid shit people writing journals about how lana did this or that who cares she has been staying to herself until someone writes a journal about her thats when she will open her mouth and say something.

i have been playing alot of minecraft as of lately just to keep my mind from going crazy and to keep me from hurting myself or anyone around me thats how bad things have been the past few days.
i never have been like this cause of the meds i was on but now their not working anymore so my moods have been really bad i dont enjoy myself anymore i been hiding my feelings from everyone cause i might end up braking down again crying again which i dont want to do right now i been trying to be in a good mood today and ignore all the bullshit thats been going around
i been telling myself to take a deep breath and just sit back and relax and watch as all the drama unfolds around here and just start to keep my mouth shut unless i,m pushed the wrong way then and only then i will speak my mind about shit other wise i,m over the shit.

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FeralDreams
23:10 Sep 04 2019

yup she been playing mine craft with me so back off my bitch!

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I never open my mouth or put my two cents into things but the past few days has been rough on me and i just could,nt take anymore i lost my temper at the drama beteween lana and cat and then she went and put me into the middle of it when i said to keep my out of the damn drama i really dont need the stress right now i,m trying my hardest to stay calm but sometimes i just find hard to do tomorrow is my doctors appt i might get new meds for my bipolar i really want to keep it under control i dont like to fight over stupid shit.

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FeralDreams
23:11 Sep 04 2019

They have nothing better to do with there lives sissy poo they must be lonely.

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i,m sitting here laughing my fucking ass off cause of your fucking blocks well honey cake they wont fucking hurt me cause i will still level no matter what you cant fucking take the damn truth your acting like a fucking child grow the fuck up cat and start acting your damn age and not your shoe size.
all because i spoke the damn truth and you could not take it well the truth hurts and you just cant take it well to bad i really dont care if it hurt your feelings and to tell you the fucking truth i never even liked you from the start i had a bad feeling about you when i first met you.

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BlackenWings
22:20 Sep 03 2019

Actually you did a lot of lying....you never mentioned the money I have wasted on you three morons....all you do is whine about how Lana is such a good damn person when she has stolen even from you....

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GOBLUE
22:20 Sep 03 2019

She does not like the truth!

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FeralDreams
22:21 Sep 03 2019

How do I steal from her when she has no money??? Tell me that one...

I pay for most of her stuff!

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BlackenWings
22:21 Sep 03 2019

Lana go fuck yourself....you and this other retard use people oh wait did you not tell her about all the times you and Julie bitch about the money she wastes of yours when it comes to video games I will gladly send her those voice clips

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FeralDreams
22:25 Sep 03 2019

I do not care who and what spends on were we all love each other and stand by one another which is every reason your motivation is to make our lives a living hell here on vampire rave? Were are you're friends at if you're always here in our journals harassing us?

I guess you do not have anyone else to go harass but is all good keep telling lies about you spending money on Heather, That's a bunch of bullshit.

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FeralDreams
22:29 Sep 03 2019

And by the way why must you be so hastey on me saying go fuck myself? Really so childish of you to do I do need sex in my life to keep me happy I actually enjoy time with my loved ones with out haven sexual contact with anyone who is near me.

I do not look for drama or ask for it but this all started when Tony was harassing you're message box and you bitched at me to do something about it. I 'm am not magickal and I sit here and say this clearly I can not make a person do what there supposed to do at any given time in their lives choices. So keep up with the stupid assassinations about who does what and spend what on them conceding Julie has helped you with countless accounts in the past.

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FeralDreams
22:38 Sep 03 2019

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DreamEscape
23:18 Sep 03 2019

I really dont give a fuck right now i,m done caring about what people and you say about us my give a fuck botton is broken i really dont care about how lana and julie bitched about me cause that was in the past this is the future so i,m not worried about it i reather just worry about leveling my profile.

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ToxicKitten
10:00 Sep 04 2019

i havn't even been online and im mentioned, wtf?
i didnt message CAT.
I messaged her abusive lying boyfriend.
Also, heather doesn't lie.
she sits in the back and watches.

But if cats not in drama, shes not happy.
the past over 11 years proves this.
real simple, block her. ignore her. and her flavor of the day.

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FeralDreams
23:12 Sep 04 2019

I agree Tony!

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here i go again i been writing in my journal alot lately and its been kinda helping me get shit off my shoulders thats been bugging the fuck out of me and giving me stress headaches and making my temper flare a little bit.
I do not like the word retart its not very nice to say about people they cant help the way they are and lana is not a fucking retart shes very smart and a good person yeah she made her fucking mistake i think everybody makes them even i make them but i always try to fix them the best i can.
you have given lana the lifetime for a lifetime and can not get the money back for it not even from her cause she is on ssi you can not touch it so your kinda fucked on that.
it does not give you a right to call lana names and treat her like shit why dont you just act like lanas not on VR and go on with your damn life and by the way please stop messaging me about lana i dont want to hear it shes my bestfriend and there is nothing can be done about it she will always be my bestfriend no matter what we have been friends since we were young even went to highschool together thats how we met.

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EmberMoon
20:51 Sep 03 2019

There is ways of dealing with conflict and a lot of drama, without name calling. This is mainly a adult site so it needs to be treated in that aspect. I know I have gone to far on here a few times but to belittle someone over money a profile is not cool, sit down and have a conversation. If that don't work then it maybe best to walk away from the situation, come back to it later or just let it go, not worth the stress or drama. Sometimes its better to walk away from someone instead of beating your head on a walk. I hate that word to, everyone has flaws, that others look as imperfect, I find those flaws perfect and beautiful. Why do you think we all come to this site to find kindred, we are all perfectly flawedbeautiful freaks of nature. We are out of the box dear:)...

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DreamEscape
21:52 Sep 03 2019

yeah i agree i been differant from my family since i can remember i have things that i hide from my family that they dont know about me like me being a human living vampire they dont know that about me and i dont mind hiding it from them cause they just dont need to know that part of my life

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GOBLUE
22:20 Sep 03 2019

Bah she can go kiss my white ass dumb cunt waffle.

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I have not ben feeling right the past few days i just dont know whats going on with me i been out of bipolar meds for awhile now so my moods been up and down as of late and i just dont know what to do about it even my ptsd is kinda acting up alittle i been sitting on skype talking to lana trying to keep myself calm and relax alittle lana has been keeping me company helping me keep my mind calm.
the stress of shit has been getting to me in away its making me sick to where i cant keep anything down i cant even eat its been days now since this started even me being depressed to where i just brake down and cry which does not help it makes things worst i just cant wait to talk to the doctor about it hopeflly he understands what i,m talking about and helps me with better meds i dont care what kind he gives me i just want it to help keep me controling my bipolar to where i wont lose control of my moods or my temper i dont want to blackout and hurt anyone or say anything to hurt anyones feelings i attend to do that alot when i blackout i remember one time back in 2013 i got so fucking angery that i ended up blacking out hurting my mom i did,nt remember anything the next day i had to be told of what i did i felt so bad that was before i was told i had bipolar and ptsd but then in 2014 shit got even worst i ended up scaring my little nefew cause he just would,nt stop screaming i ended up losing my temper at him well that day i ended up being put into a hospital thats when i foundout i had what i had i was put on some meds which helped me alot i was there for a week to get the help that i needed i learned alot during that time.

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LORDMOGY
18:03 Sep 03 2019

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like i fucking said earlyer in my first journal
i dont and i repeat do not want to be in the middle of yours and lana,s bullshit i have enough going on in my life with me not having any meds for my bipolar and i been really depressed and not fucking feeling good i,m tired of relaying messages to lana why dont you unblock her and message her yourself i,m just to the point of exploding on anyone that messages me about lana like i said in my journal i,m not her fucking keeper and i dont control her shes a grown ass woman

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ToxicKitten
03:44 Sep 03 2019

Just block them people heather.
sure, the dumb criminal druggie will block you, but who cares.

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here iam alone and depressed dont know what to do with myself anymore i feel like i dont belong anywhere i feel like everyones against me for some fucking reason i just dont want to deal with peoples bullshit and bitching about lana i,m not in the fucking middle of it keep me the fuck out of it..yeah lana and i are bestfriends for over 20 something years i,m done hearing about how she messed up and broke the tos many times i might be close to her but i,m not her fucking keeper and i dont control what she fucking does with her time on VR so please dont message me about her and the shit she did or does its her fucking promblem not mine i love her like a fucking sister always have and i will stick up for her when it comes to her being picked on or teased about how she spells or what not i had just about enough hearing bullshit over page refreshing and how she acts when she gets blocks and 1s big deal you dont see me bitching about having blocks from two people cause i know i will still level yeah it will be slow leveling but i just dont care all i,m here for is to relax and level my profile so i can get out of purg and go on with my damn life on VR all i want to do is enjoy my time on here without drama being tossed my way over lana i just dont feel like hearing about it anymore if you want to talk to me about other things feel free to message me but please dont bring up lana cause i will not reply to it.
i,m not bitching or anything i just had to get shit off my shoulders so i can calm down and start to enjoy myself here without any stress i have enough to deal with in reallife with family and my bipolar and ptsd along with being really depressed and feeling kinda low about my life all i need is more stress upon everything else going on.

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EmberMoon
19:34 Sep 02 2019

Your not a lone hun, sometimes you have to step back to see were things in your life needs more clarity. Love yourself first and for most so you can see who is truly Important within your Life, look to them to show you what is Important and needed for you to heal wounds. Hugs

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ToxicKitten
22:34 Sep 02 2019

I'm here for you Heather.
I agree, just cause you're close with someone does not mean you are their keeper.
I find people that have 15 profiles funny. They do it to try to control you. They have no control in their real life. Just ignore the haters.
A website should NOT stress you out.

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FeralDreams
03:21 Sep 03 2019

I know how you feel and Cat should leave you the fuck alone that is bullshit how she messages you and not me dumb ass chicken shit.

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i,m about to lose my fucking mind
first i get kicked from a party on playstation4 for no fucking reason at all and second the drama here is driving me fucking insane with people making fun of others because of the way they are.
i dont mean to bitch i normally dont but i seen just about enough of the drama i,m just gonna keep ignoring it and stay to myself

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FeralDreams
03:01 Sep 02 2019

thats okay you got me to talk to

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DreamEscape
05:57 Sep 02 2019

i just had enough of shit point blank..my exes new girlfriend just broke the staw on the camels back and i just could not take it anymore i exploded and started to bitch at him about her

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FeralDreams
03:20 Sep 03 2019

awww hugs you I love you my sexy bitch :)

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FeralDreams
03:23 Sep 03 2019

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FeralDreams
03:24 Sep 03 2019

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sitting here in a pieceful state of mind
the darkness is around me but i attend to live my life to the fullest the best i know how sometime i just want hide in my room and never show in the world of hate but i know i sometimes have to its part of life.
i have a doctors appt on the 5th of this month gonna talk to the doctor about my bipolar meds to see if i could get anything stronger then what i get now cause it seems what i get now aint doing shit for me yeah i,m keeping myself calm but its not easy sometimes i just want to attake someone and just lose my damn temper for no fucking reason i already lost my temper once towards someone awhile back and now shes scared of me yeah she still talks to me when i pop up in her party on playstation.
when it comes to having someone that understands what i go through daily with having bipolar and ptsd noone understands i just wish i had someone to talk to about it just to get shit off my shoulders someone who would listen well i talk about the shit that i go through.

well its 5:27am and i woke up from a strange dream which switched from one dream to another all night first one was me being pulled off the bed by something and the second one was something on top of me and then the 3rd one was me being stuck at a prsion for hours well lana and some guy went to visit someone that was in the prison and cross from the prison was alot of people getting married i guess it was some of the prisoners that were getting married and then there were a fight between the gaurds and the prisoners and their wifes yeah i know strange huh lol?
now i,m gonna try and have me some coffee but i dont know if i can or not with me being sick and all its been awhile since i had any coffee so i,m gonna try.