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I been trying to figure shit out that's been going through my mind and driving me crazy it's like i'm in the darkness unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
the things i go through daily i never thought i would ever have to go through all this alone with no one to talk to that understands what i deal with everyday of every night.
they tell me everything will be alright and i will pull out of this in due time..umm this is gonna be part of me for the rest of my life it will never go away i will always find myself jumping to every loud noises or even someone walking pass me makes me jump i even have attacks when i have go outside i get so damn nervous and scared that it makes me panic and unable to breath.
yeah i do want this to go away and let me live a normal life but ptsd will always be with me it so sucks cause i cant be under any stress without having a melt down.

i also have bipolar which makes shit even worse for me i cant seem to be around my aunt without wanting to yell at her and when i try to talk to her about it she brushes it off and ignores my feelings which also get me to the point of a mental brake down i try to stay in my room most of the day so i would'nt have a melt down and get so damn angery that i blackout and do something so stupid without even knowing i did it.

I hear voices in my head
i was told i might have split personlity if that's what it's even called now a days?

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Vann
22:48 Jan 29 2020

PTSD sucks and no one understands it that has never experienced it. You won't pull out of it as people say, not completely. It will always affect you. You can choose how you handle it.

You have to learn to adapt to it. Its OK to be scared. That's normal. Same as above, choose how you react to your fear.
I make it sound easy but it isn't at all.

What helped me was directly facing IT one time. Yes i was terrified as I was doing it mere days after my traumatic event. Just to prove a point to myself.

The bi-polar there are meds as you know that may help.

The voices? I always thought the ones that didn't hear voices were the ones not normal hahaha.

That anger is normal too. I don't know what happened to you. However the anger is something you need to get a handle on. I was angry as hell for a long time. In my case it was the feeling of helplessness. Feeling that way made me very angry.

Now I will shoot a fucker haha.

Seriously though...it takes looking at each feeling you have and figuring out WHY you feel that way. It gets better. Takes time.

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DreamEscape
23:16 Jan 29 2020

I always do what my therpist tought me to do when i feel that i just cant take it anymore and i feel that i'm gonna have a melt down..is to close my eyes and pertent that i'm some where really pretty and there is no one around me so i can take a deep breath and count to ten and slowly let it out or just go into my room and shut the door and turn on some calming music.

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Vann
23:40 Jan 29 2020

that works

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I know its been awhile since i posted an entry on this account i just been going through alot lately plus i been on my other account trying to get it to else 70 which is pretty close to it.
plus i been taking care of my aunt the past few days now which is hard to do when she complains alot about being sick but i dont mind cause she's my family and i will do anything for her even put my own life on the line for her.

Sitting here drinking coffee and listening to music on pandra and playing black ops am thinking about doing some blackout before my time runs out on my playstation which will really suck though cause my aunt never buys me any time for my playstation4 sometimes i want to just slap her in the damn face and tell her how things really are around here reather she likes it or not.
i try not to rant or even bitch about anything on here anymore cause people always think its about them when its really not about them at all that really annoys the hell out of me when people think that all the time ugh.
my mind has been really blank for the past few days i try not to think to much cause it hurts my head when i over think about things even when i hear voices in my head it hurts cause they always yell at eachother or even fight over what they want me to do or write just wish this would all end so i could get some peace.
i need some well needed sleep its been awhile since i even had good sleep or a peaceful day without any voices bugging the hell out of my damn ass (please stop this madness) i just cant handle this anymore its gotten out of control its a none stop mess going on around here..pulls my damn hair out and screams..for crying out loud ehh god lord help me!!.

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Earthgrinder
16:49 Jan 09 2020

I agree with the cuppa a joe. Here is just a suggestion cause it sounds like you are going thru a not so good time. Here is the suggestion take it for what its worth You like playing at blackops right. Well get up off of whatever you are sitting on an go out and join a goruck team. the only battery you need is yourself. have a great day.

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well its close to new years and i'm hating every mintue of it cause of what happened to me back when i was in my teens so new years brings bad thoughts to my damn head.

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Sachet
06:29 Jan 01 2020

Aww. Sweet dreams

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