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well i have been really sick everytime i would stand up i would get dizzy and almost fall over even my aunt judy is sick same as me i hav,nt even had coffee the past few days which is not like me i normally have a few cups.
i have not even been on skype to talk to my bestfriend which is also not like me not to talk to her god i already miss her like freaking crazy

just sitting having a rough time waking up i,m even drinking coffee to try and wake me up alittle but it seems to not work anymore why cant i wake up i,m gonna talk to my doctor about it and see if there is anything out there to help me with this promblem i,m having and pluse i,m also gonna talk to him about my bipolar and ptsd to see if there is stronger meds out there for my bipolar.
yeah i seem to be keeping my bipolar under control but there are times i feel like theres a ticking time bomb waiting to go off i,m trying my hardest to keep myself centered to just stay happy most of the time i,m just faking a smile to keep my family from wondering whats wrong with me.

i have been awake since 2am and still not tired just made myself a pot of coffee and now writng in my journal which helps me kinda relax i really enjoy writing its what i like to do sometimes

i dont know what to do anymore
my fucking life is full of darkness
and my family dont make it easy for me
they just dont understand anything that i go through on a daily bases my mind just wont stop spinning seems like i just cant stop thinking i,m always thinking about things yeah my family is here to help me through everything but they dont help me at all they always tell me everythings going to be alright when its not i,m tired of hearing that.
i know i need help but theres no help to be had i have to work through it myself learn to control my anger and my temper its hard to do so as i,m typing this i feel the need to cry but i hold it all back and go on with my life

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DiamondRose
22:05 Aug 28 2019

sometimes i find it to be helpful to have a good cry

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VivienneXol
03:44 Aug 29 2019

Sounds like you need some alone time. I dont mean complete isolation but you need to surround yourself with like minded people. Good thing we have this place to talk to people about our darkness and not feel judged for it. You can message me And add me if youd like :). I'll listen.

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DreamEscape
11:53 Aug 29 2019

thank you

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FeralDreams
03:02 Sep 02 2019

I agree with the person above you sis she/he is right,

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good morning VR
its been a good morning until my aunt started bossing me around about the fucking laundry when i been trying to wake up here but she just wont let me she keeps coming into my room trying to boss me around ugh.
is,nt a 44 year old allowed to relax just to wake up alittle i feel like i want to attack her but i keep taking deep breaths to control my temper all i,m doing is drinking my coffee and writing in my journal like i always do yesterday was the first time i did,nt write in it i normally write about stupid shit and how i feel about things thats going on in my life or short stories even poems.

well today
has been an alright day so far
i been sitting here leveling my profile
and staying to myself keeping silent
its what i do best lol.
i even took a nap to help pass the day
and normally i,m already in bed by now
but insted i made a pot of coffee to help with
my damn headach.

i dreamed that my whole family were back together it was nice to see them all we were all sitting at a long table that was set with nice stuff even my mom and dad was there it made me miss them even more then ever.
i have not dreamed about my mom in a long time i miss seeing her pretty face and hearing her voice call out my name when she needed something yeah i got angery with her when she kept calling my name now that shes been gone 4 years its hard to think about her without crying.

I sit here wondering why things have been rough on me the past few years it seems that darkness has found me i cant seem to pull myself out of it.
i have been trying my hardest to keep from going fucking crazy i been keeping myself calm but when i have to many people around me i feel like i want to scream i even take deep breaths just to keep from going crazy.
what am i gonna do when i feel like my soul is covered by darkness i cant help the way i feel sometimes, i dont feel like myself anymore i dont even have anyone to help me with my awaking so i have to do it by myself its the hardest thing i ever had to go through..

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CrimsonObsession
04:04 Aug 25 2019

Keep your head up. It will get better.

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DreamEscape
12:13 Aug 25 2019

i hope so

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the nerve of him to message me on skype yesterday but i just ignored him what does he except me to do after he called me all kinds of mean names few days ago i dont think i can ever talk to him again after what he did and said to me it annoys me to think that he actally thinks i would talk to him.
there is no way in fucking hell he will ever get a reply from me cause i dont play head games i,m to old to be played with like that all i want is to be respected but i just wont get that from him he wants a woman he can control and he wont get that from me cause i wont be controled by anyone not even him.

i have awoken partly i feed off emotions i dont know how to control it
it drives me crazy when i feed like that even in problic i can feel peoples emotions i try to block it out but i find it really hard to do sometimes i want to tear my world apart just to end this madness
how can i control the feeding? whats inside of me awaiting to be let out, all i can do is just hope this all ends good.i also feed off engery when it storms it makes me feel all good inside but when i feed from emotions the feeling is strange i feel like i,m going made or i want to smack someone across the face.

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masterofRevenge1977
23:52 Aug 22 2019

Here's an post I found from Lady CG. She's a well respected women from the vampyre community. It's about psi vampyre feeding.
https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/smokeandmirrors34981/psi-vampires-abilities-and-skills-t3018.html

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DreamEscape
01:46 Aug 23 2019

thank you

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there was a time where i wanted to kill someone but she stopped drinking and made my life hell of alot better i dont jump down her thraot anymore like i use to we get along much better that we did back when she drinked. when she did drink i told her that she reminded me of my mom cause when my mom was alive she drinked heavyly her liver was not good at all and it shut down on her back in 2015 i lost her cause of her drinking and to watch my aunt drink back then made the whole family worry about her.
we will be moving next sept and i cant wait cause i will be getting out of michigan no matter what happens i will be following my aunt rose and her family where ever they go cause i,m not staying here i want out of here big time.

there was this man name mike th that lived down the road from lana
that i was fixed up with i thought he was nice but turns out hes a true asshole called me a cunt bitch and retarted with no teeth haha i called him a few names myself.
i will not talk to him anymore and i,m sure lana wont either after what he said about me i dont want a man like him in my life he also smells fishy to ugh why do i pick the bad ones every guy i ever dated treated me like shit..
he better not text me cause i will tell him to go to hell and leave me the fuck alone
why do men act like that when they dont get their way?
he got mad cause i did,nt text him fast enough well thats what happens when you dont have power for most of the day and your phone is dead and there is no way of chargeing it.
the whole town i live in was out of power all day

it makes me not want to date anymore i give up on men for awhile until i find the right man that will treat me good and not call me names it makes me angery to think that men can be real assholes at times.

I was born to wonderful parents their names are trudy and albert my mom was 17 and dad was 21 when i was born they did their best at raising me they ened up getting married after i was already born it only lasted 5 years cause my dad would beat the shit out of my mom i seen everything he ever did to her after the divorce my mom moved us into a very nice place and she worked two jobs to takecare of me my dad would get me every other weekends and my mom would get me during school year she was the best mom ever.
she would date differant men but it never last long as soon they foundout she had a kid they would leave her i sometimes blamed myself for those guys leaving like they did but then she found this one guy name tom he was a big time druggie hooked on herion and cokecane i was about 7 at the time i really liked the guy he accepted that i was there there were times i took care of his ankle that was swellen from using needles.
but then my mom broke up with him cause of him using drugs she could not take a chance being with him anymore he never hurt my mom the only bad thing was the drugs he used
we lived in those apts for many years i only seen my dad when he felt like picking me up for the weekend but he never came and i always took it out on my mom his exuse was that he was to busy with his new family that really broke my heart and the straw on the camles back it got to the point where i stopped going with him and accepted that he had a new family to takecare of so i went on with my life with my mom she was both mom and dad to me since my dad was an ass and did not want me in his life until my 25th birthday he gave me money along with my uncle allen.
guess he wanted me back in his life and was buying my love..well years and years later we foundout that my dad had throat cancer so he moved next door to me but was only there a few months cause he passed last year and my mom also passed away in 2015 theres not a day that passes by that i dont miss them

i cant wait to move out of michigan and away from the cold weather
cause i,m not looking forward to the cold weather i,m praying that my uncle takes the job he was offered so we all can move and start a new life.
i have nothing here for me anymore thats the reason i want to move and start a new chapter in my book of life maybe find me a good man when i get settled where i move my whole family are moving and yes i,m gonna follow behind them my aunt rose is all i got left along with my aunt judy both of my parents are gone and my daughter wont talk to me or let me see my grandson anymore she thinks i,m a bad mom that i did,nt want to be in her life which is,nt true my ex-inlaw would,nt allow me to see her when she was a child and now shes on her second child i,m hoping its a little girl yay for being a grandma at my age but since my daughters being a fucking bitch to me all i want is to see my grandchildern grow up and to see my daughter get married to the man shes with it brakes my heart to know that i will never get to see my grandchildern since she has moved out of michigan.
i would,nt dare call my ex-inlaws to check on danny and my daughter cause she hates me cause of what she thinks i did to her son hes the one that cheated on me and said hateful words to me he treated me like shit before our divorce i hate him cause of what he did to cause our daughter to be taken from us i will never forgive him for what he did to me i would of had my family that i dreamed of having when i was younger i never thought the man i loved would hurt me like that.

heading off to bed..goodnight vr

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VivienneXol
05:43 Aug 17 2019

Good night!

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well today was a stressful day we lost everything for a few hours had to go to dhs for help with our bills came back home with everything back on yay us i was so happy when i seen everything on now i,m catching up on journaling and leveling up my profile and talking on skype with my friends and drinking coffee yummy i was craving for some coffee all day until i went over to the people upbove us and they gave me awhole thing of coffee i came back downstairs and made a pot of coffee and its helping with my headaches and i,m now all relaxed now.

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VivienneXol
05:43 Aug 17 2019

I'm so sorry that happened to you. But im glad everything worked out in the end :)

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my mood has been pretty good as of lately but i still feel like there a ticking time bomb waiting to go off i,m just waiting for someone to piss me the fuck off cause right now i,m just a bitch waiting to go off on someone.
things have been rough for me the past few years i been trying to get my life back on track which i feel its hard sometimes to do i wish things were easy for me but its not ugh why did this have to happen to me the one person that has a good heart and is willing to help people when they need it.

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ShadowedKitten
23:33 Aug 14 2019

I'll piss you off.
I'll be your punching bag.
:D

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LORDMOGY
00:29 Aug 15 2019

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ReapersWife
01:58 Aug 15 2019

Question (iris don't get mad at me)… So I got a message thatiris18 does drugs and is delusional... Is this true?

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DreamEscape
06:55 Aug 15 2019

i really dont know

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well good morning Vr
today just started my aunt woke me up just to say something to me
i,m shocked i did not yell at her for waking me up but i did,nt which is a good thing
i dont like to yell at people even my aunt

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ReapersWife
09:33 Aug 14 2019

At least you got sleep. I haven't slept at all and it is 4:30 am

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ReapersWife
09:33 Aug 14 2019

Lol

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DreamEscape
09:40 Aug 14 2019

yeah i slept really good until my aunt woke me up lol
now i,m sitting here drinking coffee and playing on my playstation4

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ShadowedKitten
23:33 Aug 14 2019

Eww, PS4, traitor!!!!!!

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what can i do? to make my life better to not feel so dark inside
i feel like i been drawn back into my dark corner where i once was
before my parents passed away i was feeling good inside the new me
but when they passed away i felt like i was being pulled back into
darkest days. back when i use to cut and attack people that pissed me off
i use to say the meanest things back then i was,nt very nice back in
my darkest days i was very blunt back then i guess i still am in a way
when i feel i need to be.

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ReaperSoulMate
18:57 Aug 11 2019

Ghost family will always be there by you're side and inside of you're heart remeber what I said before when you think about a dead love one it summons them to you're aid they are always there for you no matter what in the spirit realm and real life so keep looking positive in the darkest hour dont let the demons win.

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DreamEscape
14:17 Aug 13 2019

thank you julie you made me feel alot better

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yeah things have been rough in my life but i learned to deal with it there is no other way out of it in 2014 i was told i had bipolar and ptsd which makes my life a living fucking hell when i dont take my meds i end up having a complete melt down i try to stay calm but when people push me the wrong fucking way i end up getting pretty pissed the fuck off and i end up going the fuck off on people.

well today has been an alright day i took the dog outside for awhile and then walked to the store and then let the dog out again now i,m sitting here relaxing before i do the dishes for my aunt

i,m over at my aunts house watching her dog and then friday i go to lanas for the weekend and i cant wait to see her dont know what her plan is when i get there i just know we are hanging out together we have been waiting for this day to come for weeks now i really do miss her we dont get to see eachother much anymore these days since she started dating her boyfriend 10 years ago we use to see eachother every weekend but now it changed but i dont mind else we get to talk on skype until friday.
until then i,m sitting here alone in a big house with a massive bit bull hes in his cage sleeping right now but i will have to let him out soon he is a good dog but really hypper but i tell you this i,m not scared with him here cause i know if need be he would protect me cause my aunt lives in the city so theres alot of bad shit going on around here yeah my uncles son is down stairs sleeping right now so i,m not completely alone thank god but i really dont mind being alone i kinda like it .

i walk along the beaten path looking for someone who cares about me and how i feel
my heart aches my soul burns my mind wonders i,m in complete darkness i cant see in front of me i try and i try to feel my way around i call out for help but no one hears me my voice is weaken by the darkness i feel someone grab me i try to fight whoever it is having ahold of me i,am draged upon the ground i,m trying to scream but nothing comes out i feel warm tears rolling down the face

written by
DreamEscape

well its time to relax my aunt is still sleeping so i,m sitting here drinking coffee and was playing gta for awhile and now i,m writing in my journal about nothing lol there has been some drama going on in my family between both of my aunts they even tried putting me in the middle of it like they always do..i will be going to my aunt roses to watch her dog well she goes away for a week and then on the weekend i,m going to my bestfriends house and i cant wait to see her

i have stuck by lanas side through out the years she has showed me how a true friend she really is she was there when my mom passed away and i thanked her so many times for being by my side during that rough time in my life ever since my mom passed i have been in a dark place in my life and lana helped me through it she has been my rock someone i could lean on when i needed someone the most she understood me when no one did.
she knew how close i was to my mom and what she ment to me when i stood there and watched as her heart stopped it was the worst time in my life i could feel my soul just dieing along with her.

its about my bed time just got my aunt down for the night...shes been really buzzed the whole day which been anoying me to the point of wanting to hurt her but i took a deep breath and walked away which made her mad ugh.i wish she would stop her bullshit and just let me sit down and relax and talk to my friends but no she keeps up her bullshit none stop calling my name.
i normally ignore her but it only makes her yell louder

i,m getting freaking annoyed with my aunts drinking everyday wish she would stop here fucking drinking shit no wonder why i yell at her about her drinking i just cant take it anymore i,m about to tell her if she dont stop drinking i,m fucking moving out and that i do promise i,m way to sore to have to pick her up off the floor everytime she drinks that shows how much drama i have to put up with in my life..

i cant beleive this night has been going pretty good so far
i talked to my bestfriend most of the day on skype and leveled my profile
and walked to the store for my aunt like 3 times today its been really hot outside
but i went outside a bit ago and it cooled down out there.thinking about going to bed soon i,m very tired been up since 8am