The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three members of a motorcycle gang walked in.



The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.



The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.



The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.



Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.



Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"



The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Wyoming State Police



In most of the northern states, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to the single digits or below.



About 3 a.m. one very cold morning in March 2004, a state police officer responded to a call: there was a car off the shoulder of the road on the outskirts of Casper. He located the car, stuck in deep snow and with the engine still running.



Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the officer walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.



The driver came awake when the officer tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the state policeman standing next to his car, the man panicked, jerked the gearshift into "drive" and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.



The policeman, having a sense of humour, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary, car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him!



This goes on for about 30 seconds when the patrolman yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over!" the man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.



Needless to say, the man from Casper was arrested and is probably still shaking his head over the state patrolman who could run 50 miles per hour.



Who says policeman don't have a sense of humour?

TECH:"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"



CUSTOMER:"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."



TECH:"What sort of trouble?"



CUSTOMER:"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."



TECH:"Went away?"



CUSTOMER:"They disappeared."



TECH:"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"



CUSTOMER:"Nothing."



TECH:"Nothing?"



CUSTOMER:"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."



TECH:"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"



CUSTOMER:"How do I tell?"



TECH:"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

CUSTOMER:"What's a sea-prompt?"



TECH:"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"



CUSTOMER:"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."



TECH:"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

CUSTOMER:"What's a monitor?"



TECH:"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"



CUSTOMER:"I don't know."



TECH:"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"



CUSTOMER:"Yes, I think so."



TECH:"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."



CUSTOMER:"Yes, it is."



TECH:"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"



CUSTOMER:"No."



TECH:"Well, there are. I need you to look back

there again and find the other cable."



CUSTOMER:"Okay, here it is."



TECH:"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."



CUSTOMER:"I can't reach."



TECH:"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"



CUSTOMER:"No."



TECH:"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"



CUSTOMER:"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."



TECH:"Dark?"



CUSTOMER:"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."



TECH:"Well, turn on the office light then."



CUSTOMER:"I can't."



TECH:"No? Why not?"



CUSTOMER:"Because there's a power outage."



TECH:"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"



CUSTOMER:"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."



TECH:"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."



CUSTOMER:"Really? Is it that bad?"



TECH:"Yes, I'm afraid it is."



CUSTOMER:"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"



TECH:"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"



Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:



#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.



#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her

the Government.



#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.



#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.



#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.



So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.



So, the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.



The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me what you think politics is all about."



The little boy replies,



The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.



15) "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

14) "Take your hands off the car, & I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13) "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12) "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

11) "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

10) "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh. Did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

9) "Warning! You want a warning? O. K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8) "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7) "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, & step in monkey DOO."

6) "Yeah, we have a quota. 2 more tickets & my wife gets a toaster oven."

5) "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

4) "Just how big WERE those 2 beers?"

3) "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

2) "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."



And... THE BEST ONE!!!



1) "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?... You're right, we don't. .. Sign here.

Hey this guy goes to see his wife who's in a coma and says "is there any hope"? The nurse says no but go ahead and visit. After a while the nurse comes in and says "hey, there was some brain wave activities, what happened"? The guy says well she's so beautiful I had to feel her up.



The nurse says well hell maybe you could try some oral sex, maybe that'll change something. Embarrassed the guy says sure but can you leave?



The nurse says fine. After a couple of minutes there's all kinds of bells and alarms. The nurse flies in the room and says "What happened" The guy says, I dunno she must've choked.

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.



Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00

==========================================================



Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.

Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.



Money spent:



Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $40.00

Total - - $4,165.00



But you know the job was done right!

One evening at story time, a little girl asked her father,"Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once Upon A Time?' "



"No, honey," her father replied, "there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with,

'If elected I promise . . .' "

Here's a win-win situation. Dig a deep moat the length of the Mexican border, take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans and put the Florida alligators in the moat. Food will be supplied by Mexico.

NEW - Different colour from previous design.



ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.



EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.



UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.



FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.



ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.



IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.



FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.



HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.



FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.



REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.



DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.



YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.



BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.



MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.



MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.



SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.



LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.



HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.



NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.



FAT FREE - You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car when she was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agiitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied "It's square and it has your picture on it.

"The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror,then handed it back saying, "Okay you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop....

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal.



The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.



The counsellor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "the rhythm method. "



"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record."



He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said. Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."



He then asked the farm girl what system sh e was planning on using. Her answer was, "The pail and saucer method." He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.



They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet. The counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.



He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.



He turns to the farm gal and told her that "I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer m ethod is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?"



She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him."

Do you know the difference between snowmen & snowwomen .......







Snowballs

http://www.chooseyouritem.com/jokes/1stHybridMotorcycle.html





Click on the link...

This virgin goes to a whore house to get laid and the hooker tells him that he needed to get ubbers. She tells him to go to the pharmacy around the corner right behind the whorehouse. He does so and asks the pharmacist if he could buy rubbers. The pharmacist says sure what size? Small medium or large? Being a virgin he doesn't know so the Dr tells him, go to the back of the store and look at the fence. There are 3 holes in it. Stick your pecker in and tell me which one fits the best. That'll tell me what size rubber you need.



So the guy goes outside puts his pecker in the 1st hole. Being that the fence is on the backside of the whorehouse a whore gives him a handjob. Surprised he pulls it out and puts it in hole #2. This time it's a blowjob. Even more surprised by this he puts it in hole #3 and is treated by a little pussy. Smiling he walks back inside and talks to the pharmacist. The Dr says "well? What size rubbers do you want"? The guy says "Screw the rubbers, give me 6 feet of that fence!"

What do you call a smart blonde?





A golden retriever.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball??



Nothing she gagged

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently,

Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......... smack his ass again.



If you didn't laugh on this one, there's no help for you..

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a damn checking account."



The astonished woman replies," I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"



"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"



"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."



The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,



"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"



"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."



"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

George was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.



As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.



Resuming the journey, George tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a white bag on the seat next to George.



"What's in the bag?" asked the old man. George looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my wife."



The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade."