My weekend17:18 Feb 06 2007
Times Read: 755
So much has happened that is difficult to know how to start this. I suppose the begining would be the very best.
Well, mom and I got home from downstate and I had missed mat so much, I am used to talking to him every single day that after unpacking the car and talking to terry for a few minutes, i got right onto the computer.
Mom came in a little while later and asked who i was talking to and I told her heather, but then she wanted to actually see the screenname so i shut the computer off. Then, she knew.
Everything blew up then. She somehow knew that he was living in wyoming and what he was doing, workwise. She says she found out two months ago from his grandmother but I am not so sure. She has lied about that before, or his grandma lied...I dont know i am confused.
Anyway, She told me to have all of my shit packed and i was going to be living with my father and finishing up high school in fenton. My dad called her back after they called eachother a couple times before and finally told her that he has too much on his plate (his wife has cancer) and that he couldnt take me in.
So, mom told me that I will be living there until she finds a home in tc and if that happens before graduation then i need to be out of her house and she doesnt care where i go. There were alot of nasty things said.
She asked me where my head was at..if it was in my pants. She told me more times then i can count that i am ignorant. She says I wont finish high school and I wont get into college.
She sold my laptop for 50 dollars and cancelled the internet. Im not sure about the laptop yet unless i go home and its gone...if that the case then i am gone. She would have no right to sell a possession of mine. I heard her cancel the internet though. She told me that i cannot use the phone to call mat and that he cant call my house and i was to only use her phone for emergencies. she said i could use the phone at nates (party store) or the phone at the gas station.
She was talking to my uncle jeff last night about him calling mat and acting like the concerned uncle to verify my story that i AM going to college and me and mat were going to be paying for it. I decided to see if the party store did indeed have a payphone i could use to call him, i wanted to talk to him. They didnt have one and i came back home mom was still on the phone in her room. After she got off the phone, she came in to ask me what i had said to her while she was on the phone (I had told her i was checking for a payphone at nates) I told her again and she asked why i needed a payphone and i said to call mat
She flipped out again then saying that i was now rubbing it in her face and i said no, you asked a question and i answered. I told her I wasnt going to leave the house without telling her where I am going and i told her that i wasnt going to lie to her anymore.
I dont know what is going on anymore. A part of me really wants to take my aunt luannes suggestion and just go now, just enroll and finish high school in wyoming so i dont have to deal with the tension and all of the bullshit at home. I knew she was going to be upset and I ws prepared for that. I wasnt prepared for the childish antics. She wants me out and she wants me out of her life. Why dont i just go?
I want to graduate here with my friends. I know mom will bust a nut when i tell her I am going to visit mat in a couple weeks. She will probably just tell me not to come back then. To tell me to pack my shit and have him come and get me. i am not sure. Every day is horrible. It is complete silence or there is lots of screaming. It is so tense you can cut the air with a knife. I dont know what i should do.
I talked to the librarian here and she told me i should try to stay at home and if it doesnt work out to move in with sam (Sam said she would ask her dad tonight) She also said the laptop thing is bullshit and it was getting her angry because it is illegal.
I am going to talk to my school counsler today and get a couple copies of my transcripts just in case and i need to cancel my senior package order because mom said she wont pay for it.
I went and I got my state id yesterday...mom took me after i told her i needed my birth certificate and I told her terry would take me. It was two hours of complete silence. The drive there, back, and she she said she wanted to eat at jeris (The first sentence i got) which she gave me the choices of eat there, stay in the car or walk home. so i ate hoping for some conversation when everything i had said in the car was met with silence. Nope. There was no talking in there either. Oh well i guess.
So it was ten dollars to get my id and im surprised she didnt ask for the birth certificate back. So i have that. So i am all set for a plane right. i have $190 in my pocket right now..its 154.40 for a one way plane ticket
...We will see.
**Update**
a few more words to add on this journal that i didnt have the time to write earlier. I am not sure of my reaction to all of this happening. Everytime that mat and i have gotten caught in the past i felt horrible for lieing to mom and she tried to make me feel guiltier and guiltier...which worked. I would cry and cry and cry. That isnt the case this time.
I dont know what is different. maybe my will is stronger now then it was. maybe its because I am almost 18 and it doesnt matter now that she knows. That could very well be.
I only had one point when the tears were there and they were tears of anger. She called me Sue (My step-monster) Saying that i am just like her because i pretended to be moms friend and was lieing to her.
Yes, i am (was?) moms friend and I lied to her out of necessity...okay maybe i wont go that far but it would have been worse had she known the truth..I tried that route before and she threatened mat with jail and with screwing his job up. I wouldnt let him take that risk for me, so, I kept mom in the dark.
There is one big and bright point that was there that i STILL didnt bring up and would have been perfect. She calls me Sue...yet I am NOT the one who resembled her the most in fucking a married man. Mom is more like Sue then i could ever be. I guess she finds less a qualm in hurting me than i do her. Maybe i should just quit trying not to hurt and do as she says i am doing now and be completely self-serving. I am not that kind of a person though. I dont know. it is almost time to go, this hour is almost over and then i can go home and talk to mat when he gets out of work! YAY!
I have remained fairly calm through all of this. I dont know how when i think of everything that has been said or done. The only time I feel emotion is when mom calls yet another of my family members, and tells them Mat and i and makes me out to be a monster and her a martyr in all of this. it really, really pisses me off.
One other quick thing...mom was off on monday (yesterday) and i got the 1st fucking snow day our school has had on that day...go fucking figure :P
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