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Today was very boring for the most part. I was so tired. I am still out of it from getting the differing amounts of sleep the last few days. I have had more fingers snapping in front of my face then I think I ever have. I was going into a zone every two seconds.

I was getting a little behind in ap biology becaus ei was late on tuesday for it, so i got all caught up for the most part and there isnt any way for me to get behind in imaging...its a computer...come on lol. Actually its because he is so repetitive that I didnt miss anything :P

In weight lifting we had to max on squats. I have never used the machine he wanted us girls to use..so i was clueless...it made for a pretty comical first few minutes. He made me try it at 205 and i had never done them before so i went down way too far lol. So they stripped off 65 pounds and I did it then fine. He told me that that was enough and i figured out why when i looked at the weight sheet...i was only supposed to start at 90 pounds according to my weight? and i actually did above what my max was supposed to be lol. I was like yay!

We had to work complete lower body so leg presses, curls, crunches, squats, leg extentions, running ect. My legs have felt like jello ever since lol. Its like they are very lightly asleep or something.its weird. So yeah now that they are jello feeling we are running the mile tomorrow lol i told Mr. Slack that that was dumb. None of us will do very well after today. But he said I already pushed it back once I cant do it again or I might. Oh well....

Anyways I found out in Macs class that Sam is sad :( At first she wouldnt tell me what was wrong and it made me sad and a little irked. I know I am nosey sometimes, but I have dumped on her so many times, especially about Mat and I, when I am feeling sad. I felt that she should feel that anytime she needs to talk i am right there for her. I did get out what was wrong, I felt a little bad becaus ei think i bugged it out of her, but I also felt better that i knew what was wrong and I could maybe help by taking her mind off everything going on. I know, everyone always tells me that i cant help eveyrone or that sometimes you do actually need to be alone...I just can't stand to see one of my best friend's sad...it tears at me.

Mat just got on and said he has to go again. He has to stop at his aunts parlor and pick up glasses his grnadma left there for her...awww isnt he sweet? He would tell me to shush right now :P Anyway, he should be back again in a few minutes so I am going to end this for now. I may come back later or tomorrow and do some editing, who knows?

*Note to self and every other person that reads though my journals*



I am going to start trying to keep a regular journal. I have been realizing more and more lately that none REALLY knows me. I guess thats unfair to say, let me rephrase that, for there are a select few that do know me very well, my Mat for one :D



~No one REALLY knows my moods and my thoughts that go along with them. They dont relaize either how quickly my moods can and do fluctuate.~ There that is a little better. The one person that does know how this works is Mat. I dont believe anyone else would ever be able to tell.



I have always been a sensitive creature, something I strive very hard to keep under wraps, for to me, that is a sign of weakness. I dont let anyone see how badly words can affect me, how a certain topic can change my mood and swiftly as a flip of a coin or how badly I may feel.



This happens especially around my friends. I love you all, but I dont want to burden you with my troubles. I don't want you to see that I am hurting day after day. I don't want you to see how with every day I feel like I am a step closer to having a mental break down.



I did have a very nice break from the hurt. My baby came up yesterday and stayed until this morning. I cannot even begin to say how much I have missed him. He has been my every thought and my every wish. Seeing him was almost a shock to my system. I had a hard time keeping the tears back as I was hugging him. Too much time had passed, it seemed like it had been an eternity since we have been together. Having the time and especially the alone time was very much needed. We just hung out with eachother all night and in the morning. It was way beyond nice. It was the best time I have had since I seen him last. I was so very happy, I can't even begin to explain how happy i was. I felt would burst with it. Knowing that I could lift my arm and be able to touch him whenever I wished. Knowing all I had to do was open my eyes to be able to see him. It was soooooo nice! I cannot wait until We can see eachother again! I wish we could 24/7! That would be the best! I love spending time with my Mat. He is the only person I feel completely at ease with. I feel I could tell him anything without him passing any judgement on me or without making him too uncomfortable. He knows all my secrets. I actually dont like keeping anything to myself anymore, little things like things that happen during the day. I tell him everything that goes on during my days hes not here with me. I enjoy telling him and having him know everything. I have never been that way with another. i always kept every little thing to myself. Now all i want to be is an open book. I enjoy being one :)



Now however, I am back where I started. I miss him again, so very much. I can still smell him on my skin and on my blanket. I can still taste him. This drives me crazy. I have a wood alergy now just thinking about it. Its so true. I am going to have a hard time getting to sleep tonight regardless of how tired I am. I am going to smell him on my bedclothes and I wont be able to just close my eyes and pass out. I'll start thinking of him and then every time we have been together, all our little funnies...I think of everything that has happened with us and I'll smile, I'll cry and I wont be able to go to sleep.



I have one pretty funny moment.

Terry came in here a little while ago when he first got here and I was on here talking to Mat. He comes in the room and says "Damn it smells like sex in here!!" when i looked at him and started to say no he looked at me and laughed. I didnt know how to take that...so right now it is one of my funnies. I got my words back and I said "what?" Then he said there is a smell in here i can explain. Then I was like well could it be stale cigarette smoke. I know the windows werent all open and mat smoked inside. he said no and when i asked if it was just the living roo he said no it was through the living room, the hallway, bathroom and my room. He said it smelled almost plant like...LOL. I had a nice smile over it when he left.



Over all Today has been alright. My favorite part of the day was when I was with Mat on the couch, just talking and cuddling. that was so comfy and nice. Then reality must always intrude. I made it to school just in time for third hour and my day kinda went downhill from there.

I have been in the weirdest of moods. One minute I am happy. Thinking of all that Mat and I did and how awesome it was that he was here. The next minute I am so depressed because he cant be with me any longer and hes at home. I am also over-tired so that probably plays a big role in why I am acting so bi-polar. I just miss my baby and I want him here again. I didnt get nearly enough time with him...dont get me wrong the time he was here was phenomenol. I was in heaven, though i wish we were able to spend lots and lots of time together. at least a week straight, just the two of us. That would be awesome!



Well I think I am going to go lay down. My eyes are buning from looking at this screen and from typing this long ass thing. I am going to try to go to sleep, I have been so tired all day. I thought I was going to pass out. Now I am going to go to bed super early this way i dont sleep through my alarm again :P hehehehe

Well yesterday was a very fun day. *Note the sarcasm* I almost drown in lake Michigan. We went there and it was fucking freezing, not the water but the air. That water was actually the only way to keep warm, out of the wind. The waves were huge for what i have seen for a lake, it looked like i was back at my unlcle kennys on the atlantic ocean. It was very pretty.

Anyway, I started to look for rocks (My aunt LOVES rock, so we go on little hunts for them) and there are about 3 feet worth of rock beds from the shore and all a medium size. so i tried to go in and just stand and grab them and that didnt work at all, the waves would hit you in the face and then you couldnt see shit. So I sat down closer to shore and grabbed them as the waves would pull them out of the sand before the it would crash. I did that for a while and then I got bored with my spot so i went down the beach a little bit until i found a rock bed closer to shore and the waves didnt look as bad or like they were coming as quick. So I went in and sat down. After about five minutes there was a huge wave and the undertow pulled me from my sitting position, dragged me on my side a little on the rocks and straight into the wave. I still had my glasses and earrings on so i was worried i would lose them and while checking i didnt realize a nice set had started and then i was getting battered by waves and trying to keep my head up. I panicked as i got further away from shore. Then I dont know I staretd calling myself an idiot cause i know exactly what to do in situations like that and I chose to panic and almost die instead. so i went limp and staopped fighting the waves and let them carry back into shore. I kinda went bak on my knees though so now my right knee is kinda sliced up too. My left one isnt too bad. So yeppers fun stuff! I got out of the water and just stared at it for a while. I understood then how someone could fear water and how easily it can take over and how people could die so easily.

I went up and changed into my other dry set of clothes for a little while. I helped brayden with some math problems in the truck and then breanna came and told me they were going wave diving. I'm not one to let fear run my life, especially when somehting liek this happened, time would only make it worse. so i actually found a place with a sand bar out about 4 feet past a rock bed and went out to about my waist and went wave diving :) I found out that by the shore is the worst of all. out in the water it didnt pull at all. That was probably the funnest time I had.

I have always loved wave diving and these were perfect. I loved doing it at uncle kennys before but i dont like the ocean. a.) For the salt b.)the things living it that i dont know is there lol. I can handle a lake that has pike rather then an ocean that has sharks and man of wars, stingrays etc. I have always had a fear of drowning, not so much drowning as suffercating. I find it almost funny now that I almost drown where I am most confident and thats in the water. I'm lucky Im a good swimmer...