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I had the most wonderful block of time. From Chrstmas to New Year has got to be the happiest i have ever been in my life. I met an incredible guy, well I had met him once before, but this time we actually just hung out with eachother. We had a week together and it was pure bliss. We started dating, or so we came to call what our relationship was, and I came to love him more then life itself.



I never believed in love before now, I couldnt imagine trusting so completely, and handing yourself over on a silver platter, yet now I do so. I gave him my heart and I recieved his in return.



I had to come back home on the 2nd of January, so now i am 3 1/2 hours apart from him. We are both devastated by this. I cannot assure him enough that I will not stray, but I am devoted wholely, for me there will be no other.



Today however, everything went so completly downhill. My mother and my brother found out about our relationship. My mom has forbid me to go to my sister house (wow I just had a flash of deja vu) and she has told me to end everything, that I am just being toyed with by a man who considers me to be just another notch..she pissed me off horribly. My sister has yet to call as my mother predicted she would, and I have not heard from Mat, I have a feeling that something is wrong, yet I have no way to contact him or her.



I am a wreck, I cn't feel anything, I'm so numb. I feel like someone just ripped the heart from my chest and stomped on it over and over again until it bled dry. I dont want things to end and I see no reason for them to. I will overcome this, as i always do and hopefully it will make our relationship stronger.



He is in my mind twenty-four seven.There is no moment where i do not think about him. Whether it is just me thinking of the time we had, or something reminding me him. I can't even sleep without seeing him, he has invaded my dreams. This isnt a bad thing persay, just makes me miss him all the more.



I don't understand how things can go so wrong when they are right. This was all discovered because i was mopeing around as if I had lost my best friend, which is how i felt on my return home. I dont know when we will be able to see eachother again or when we will speak, and its breaking my heart.



I don't want anyone hurt, I wish i was older, then none of this would have been able to be thrown out of proportion. I wouldn't have to have my mother trying to dictate my life. I love her to pieces but enough is enough, she is just making me all the more miserable.



I've been listening to the cd that Mat and I made and it just makes me bitter. I've been wearing his shirt and it just makes me cry when i catch his scent. I'm so lost and alone. I don't know what I am going to do. I want to see him now, i would give anything I had to.



I miss you Mat, and I love you to pieces. I don't want to hurt you, I could never, ever do that. I'm hoping that you are alright, that your not in bad shape...i really need to talk to you...