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It has been a very long time since i have written here. I havn't wanted to for fear that someone I wouldn't want to see my words would read them and the shit would start to fly. I really don't give a shit anymore.



My relationship with Mat is still going strong as it always has been. For that, i am happy. The only thing I dont like is all the bullshit that has been going on from what seems to be the start of our relationship. I don't understand what anyones problem could be. We love eachother and its our lives. Everyone has their own paths and their own choices to make. Let us have ours.



The past few weeks have been so hard. The only contact that we have right now is the computer. We very rarely get to talk on the phone anymore. I'm not letting that wear me down any...but it fucking sucks! I did sneak a phone call to him from my dads house and that was found out by mom...oh well. I've been home from my fathers for five days now and she still hasn't bitched at me at all for that. Now dont get me wrong, i got the whole speal over the phone at dads. but not once has she brought it up to my face. Its as if it never happened.



We have been together now for eight months. Its seems like an eternity. i feel like I have known him my whole life. Like we grew up together or something. There are so many similarities between us. I have been saying that from day one. Hell, we've been finishing eachothers sentences and have known eachtohers thoughts since day one. I absolutley love that about us. Thats one of my favorite things is how alike we are. I never thought it possible to find anyone so much like myself.



In six more months I will be eighteen and all the shit will finally come to an end. Well, maybe not an end, but nothing can be done to put a hitch in our relationship. Like little petty things like taking the phone and computer cords away. Dammit i am not a child. I cannot wait until I am eighteen. We wont have to sneak around anymore and we wont have the paranoia that is always present when we are able to see eachother.



Now i am going to sound like a complete bitch, but I have to write how I feel. I can't hold anything in anymore. Lately, it seems almost as if he has gotten bored or doesnt want to talk I guess. Maybe it is all coincidental, the having to go places after talking for a little while. I don't know. It just feels like things arent the same and it breaks my heart to think about. I have questioned him about it and he denies it all, and i do trust him to be completely honest with me..so i have to believe him. I think I am just going crazy. Not being able to see him and talk to him has been tearing me up inside. All I do when I am alone is think and cry. This hurts so much. I need to see him soon...I need to be able to be in his arms and have my worries soothed.



That brings me to another topic. Me, Melissa, the little tough girl who never depended on anyone is completely dependable on her baby. Heh. He's turned me into mush. Not that i mind it at all, I just find it funny sometimes when i sit back and think. I never thought love existed. I never thjought I would depend on anyone for anything. I sure as hell never expected to find someone that is even remotely similar to myself. But here I am. I'm a softie now and it is all his fault hehehe. I actually give a shit about people in general now...what the hell happened to the girl who hated everything living? minus a select few of course. She is gone...almost completely. Its kind of nice actually. I dont have a shitty outlook on everything anymore. Well, not as shitty.



I'm having a hell of a time trying to figure out what we did to have all this bullshit thrown our way and I think now I understand. We found eachother. We have now what sooo many people search for their entire lives and never find. See? I'm a fucking softie. Hehehe but seriously, I think that may be it. With the good comes the bad right? Well our relationship is way beyond good so we have to have little annoyances right? That is my conclusion. I can't come up with any other reason we deserve to be set back so much.



To get back to talking about my softie side that Mat has created I wanted to write in here about my current thoughts. My biggest thought? The one that has been plagueing me for days is the doubt Mat has inside him. He even asked me once if i truly loved him or if i was just infatuated. He thinks I am growing bored of him and nothing could be further from the truth. He is my waking thought and he remains in mind until I sleep and when i sleep I dream of him. I am only truly happy when i am with him. Other then that I am on autopilot just waiting until i can either see him or talk to him. There is no way in hell i could ever tire of him. hehe we do like to keep eachother on our toes too! lol I love it.



Well I have been writing for a while i suppose I should stop. Mat just got on and I want to talk to him instead. I will probably add more later