Irritation...15:59 Aug 09 2014
Times Read: 400
The following is a very big rant I've typed up. As stated at the end, it isn't written for the intention of being read by anyone, it isn't written saying "Hey come look at my shitty problems", it's just a rant. I don't mind if people read it, that's why it's public and not private. So if you look at this and get pissy wondering why I feel anyone would care about it, don't bother. This isn't for you and no one is forcing you to read it. So....just had to put that in there.
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So my dearest girlfriend has made it pretty clear that she wants to FaceTime. She does not like to text so much. I understand and agree. I like FaceTime more than texting. But what she doesn't seem to get, is that I do still live with my parents, and I have a job.
Apparently, since I didn't have my parents try to get rid of me at 18 years old, since I don't have the same relationship with my parents as she does with her mom, it means I'm whipped by them. Which irritates me. Yes, I can make certain decisions on my own, but these people are letting me live here with no rent and they're paying for half my shit FOR ME, I REALLY don't have much room to complain if they ask me to do work around the house. And this isn't even touching my actual job.
She's bitching that she feels she needs to take initiative to ask to FaceTime or call me, and she says that even if she did ask shit comes up on my end so much it wouldn't matter. So what is she doing? Well let's take the day before yesterday as an example:
We're talking on FaceTime and my phone dies. So I let it charge and start texting her. She immediately goes off and does her own thing, won't hardly say a word to me. I'm trying to start conversation...and here's how the evening went. She told me she was turning on her computer, then vanished. So about 2 hours later, mind you I'm still sending texts through said 2 hours, I tell her that I'm gonna crash soon for work tomorrow, and I just wanna talk a little before I do. She acknowledges it with "Ohh sorry". And then vanishes again.
I don't hear from her till yesterday evening after sending messages consisting of "What the hell happened are you ok" and several other worried texts. She never just doesn't say something unless she's bothered by something. Her reason for not texting me was that she fell asleep. So...she turns on her computer, falls asleep, one of my texts wakes her up (and it must have been a loud one because she immediately responded to it), and then instantly crashes again. I mean really?
So pretty much it's like this now. Unless we FaceTime she's just not gonna talk to me. She's made it clear that once school starts for her talking will be difficult. So what, is it just over after that? Are we just not gonna talk if we can't make do with what we've got? Like seriously. I feel like I'm being treated like I'm just a friend unless she gets what she wants.
She'll get pissy when we arrange to FaceTime and shit comes up on my end. Which is understandable, but her reason for getting mad is that she tells her friends or mom that she's not going out with them or something, only to be stuck waiting on me. When we DO FaceTime? She fucking goes out immediately. She gets mad when we can't FaceTime, she gets mad that I don't fucking ask to do it more, yet she makes plans and heads out to dinner and everything else like she's ONLY doing it for me.
I'm honestly curious to see what would happen if I planned to FaceTime with her and I did it all day. Like kept my phone on the charger while I did it. I don't do that now because I'm worried the damn thing is gonna explode, but really. Would she just make an excuse to go out? Would things go to shit when I had to go?
I just feel like I'm absolutely not good enough no matter what I do. Like she's just gonna make excuses to leave, eventually. I text her constantly. Even if I have shit to do with my parents I still want to talk to her and I still try to text her. She is my priority even if shit gets in the way of it. But...seems like that's just not good enough. I mean...how are you going to sit there and get mad at me for not being able to FaceTime with you as much as we'd both like, and then not talk to me any other way we have. I understand one doesn't get as much out of texting as you do when you actually SEE each other, I get that, but if it's all I've got I'd rather text you than not talk to you at all.
And the people I've discussed this with? All they say is not to whine about it. If I'm not happy then I should just leave. But it's not that fucking easy for me. Even if she acts shitty? I'm still attached to her. Even if she's slowly losing interest in me? I'm not losing interest in her. I'm still saving up the cash to go see her for some reason, even though with the way she's acting I feel it isn't appreciated. That money could EASILY go into loans or whatever. But no...instead I'm working to go see her. And I guess because that doesn't help with the 'now', it doesn't matter at all.
I think...I've ranted it all out now. I went from irritated to...just bummed. I know this is kind of typed out like I'm talking to someone but really I'm just talking to myself I guess. This journal helps me get shit out of my head. I post it for everyone to see because I don't CARE if anyone reads it, but it's purpose isn't for people to read. I think that makes sense.
...well. Bye.
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