The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

*Adult themed....Don't try this at home PLEASE! Its a mental illness, one that can destroy your life without proper help. It's not glamorous, its not fun, and all it does is leave you with ugly scars and hurts the people you love...and they DO love you!!*







Calmly I take the thin razor in my hand and slide it over my flesh. The blade sings as it seperates my skin; a small red line appears and relief, sweet unemcumberment, comes flooding in, dousing the swirl of ugly emotions in my soul. Every day i deal with the rise of anger, hurt, pain...some from myself, some from others. Such is the life of an empath i guess. I don't cut to try to kill myself, i do so to alliveate whats inside, with a physical release. The calming effect takes hold and my mind clears, i am able to deal with life. I know its not healthy, its not pretty...my arms and legs bear the scars, i keep them hidden even from the ones i hold so dear to my heart. I cant bear to cause them pain, when its me they depend on to help them with theirs. I hate the control it has over me, the drug-like answer i crave when my world becomes too much to bear. I don't recommend it...i dont want anyone to face the pain i face. It kills me to see the young girls do it, knowing that they think it is thier only answer to the pressures they face. I started for the same reason: because im not perfect. Im not skinny or beautiful, im different in every way and not anyone's idea of a "dream girl." The incidents escliated as i found that it was the "ideal" release from all of my tourment. It was awhile before i could control it, before i could do other things to combat the ache before i would have to resort to the most desperate action of scarring myself. I hate the fact that i do it...i hate that im not "normal" and that i started doing it in the first place. I'm slowly learning to love myself and learning that i dont need to hurt myself to deal with my pain. Its taken time...and will take more time. But my patience is rewarded when i look in the mirror and am able to smile, not turn away in disgust at what i see.

im tired of self important fucks who think that the internet is like real life and therefore act tough and bully others to make themselves more than they are, so that maybe, just maybe, someone will say "Oh! you are so cool!." GROW THE FUCK UP. ITS THE INTERNET. SHUT THE GOD DAMN MODEM OFF AND TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. No one is what they seem online. NO ONE. People will lie to you every chance they get, even if they have no reason to, online and in real life. Its all in the matter of how you deal with it. But most people never realize it. Gods. Grow up. Its the fucking internet.

*going into a nursing facility to get a patient*



Me: "Okay, the patient is in room D2."



Billy: "D2?"



Me: "Yeah. D as in Dog, in front of the number 2. Like R2D2."



Billy: "Yatzee!"



Me: "Bingo!"



Billy: "There is no D in Bingo."



Me: "In Australian Rules Bingo there is. It's called Dingo. And when you win, a dingo eats your baby."



Billy: "I hate you."

a wise friend had this to say....i dont really wanna discuss it further but i had to get it down.



"Empaths tend to draw them in...as we beat our heads against a brick wall trying to save them."



Ugh. How true, and sad to realize that we can't save em all.

where do i start? do i dare ask for the truth knowing that it will destroy me? do i keep trusting blindly and let that destroy me?



and that, dear reader, is the torture in my heart. this is not for anyone in particular...this is the conflict i face always. my life is based on a series of trust/mistrust issues, and while i struggle to get by with them i always seem to skirt destruction of my life, barely escaping with my sanity. i long to free myself of the pain and anger, to be whole and confident and know that *I* am the only one to hold power over me. Maybe that day will come...maybe ill live another lifetime without that release. I think these answers are not for me to know, but to keep me going for eternity. A purpose, a drive, a goal. A way for me to reach Eternal Grace with my job done, and done well.