Declaration of Independence.23:16 Oct 05 2008
Times Read: 785
Okay. Maybe I was being unfair in my last journal post.
Im just aggrivated with my dad. My dad never really took an intrest in my life until I was around 16 or so. While most dad's love to see their little girls at thier school plays and dance recitals and such, my dad took every opportunity to make itr something he could turn against my mom. Not caring who he hurt in the process (i.e. ME), this went on for years. He paid child support....$40 a month from the time I was 6 til I was 18. When my mom would try to take him to court to raise it, he would berate me, telling me that he would not buy me clothes for school unless she left it alone. In turn, I would be my mom to drop the case and then SHE would start in on me about how she had no money, and that it was my fault that the rent was late or that she couldnt make her car payment because my father was a deadbeat and an asshole, and then a lecture on how Italians (my dad is italian) are terrible awful people who only care about themselves.
I did the whole "I'm sorry I was even born" speal in my teens and basically spent the biggest part of my teens and my early 20s being 'that difficult angsty kid,' until I decided to get a real career and job and get the hell out of my mom's house. I think the real breaking point came the night my mom had a stroke, and while she was in the emergency room she look dead in my face and said, "This is all your fault." And my father told me that if I hadnt been "Such a burden all of your life," then my mother would be fine. I left home that night. I havent been back to live since, even in my worst times. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I swore that she would never know the crap I'd been through. I wanted her. She was part of my plan, part of what I wanted out of my life. Not a mistake due to a forgotten pill.
It took me a lot of years...A LOT OF YEARS...to figure out that shit isint my fault. It wasnt until I was talking with a friend about how bad my parents make me feel, that he turned to me and said "Why do you let them do that? You are a parent, a wife, you have a job and a house and all of that...they cant make you feel guilty unless you let them."
Unless I let them.
And that is just what I'd done. I'd let them bully me in every aspect of my life, from the books I'd read to the music I listened to, to my Faith, to the way I dressed. I didnt want that any more....I wanted to be, well, Me. And thats an ongoing learning process. And I make no excuses for who I am. For once, I LIKE MYSELF. I find my flaws attractive, what makes me tangable and real. I see beauty in my self, a unique art to my soul, that makes me the kind of person I want to get to know. Sure. Im insecure at times; I'm moody and crabby and things on that bent. But I'm human. I'm allowed to make those mistakes. And as long I as I keep striving for normality in my own mind and stop giving a fuck what others think, I'm okay. Its when I give in, and hear what 'those voices' say is when I fail. And to that, I say NO. This is my freedom, my peace, my own Declaration of Independence.
COMMENTS
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EnVoiD
21:26 Oct 26 2008
you....you didn't pour out all that coffee did you??
*licks the cup*
Angelus
00:31 Oct 29 2008
Respect, to you Lass.
LadyChordewa
05:06 Oct 31 2008