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*while driving around listening to 80's pop music*



Me: "...I miss Milli Vanilli."



Billy: "Me too. Rob and Fab we're cool till that whole lip synching thing. You know one of them is dead now."



Me: "Yeah, I think its Rob."



Billy: "I think its Fab."



Me: "Well, it's a 50/50 shot."





Once again, for posterity.

This convo actually happed today between me and my work partner Billy.



Me: "I love Cosmo [magazine]. I love the issue where they have all the positions."



Billy: "Like Secretary of State?"



Me: "Yeah. Wait. What's Secretary of State?"



Billy: "Like in the Government...?"



Me: *Slaps hand to forhead* "OMG."



I just had to record that for posterity.

Experts say that scent is the most closely tied to memory, but I think for me its music. I can hear a song and it will take me back to the time and memory it most reminds me of. That being said, I was driving today near the house where I grew up, listening to this song (Mayonaise-Smashing Pumpkins) and it brought me back to the time that song was most pertinant in my life: as a 15 year old girl. I wont bore anyone with the details of that time but what struck me was the raw emotion that now, 12 years later, a simple song can bring. I remember laying on my bed, feeling so alone in the world, thinking that I was the only one who had ever felt that way. I wondered if it would ever get better, the pain, the emptyness, the sheer terror that i felt in trying to navigate my way thru the uneasy waters of my first real crush, which turned into my first love. Fast forward to a few months later, I had turned into an angsty 16 year old, hurting badly over her first breakup. The emptyness and alone-ness had returned, joined by rejection. What did i do? What didnt i do? Even today, I felt like my heart had been freshly broken; all of the pain returned in a wave of homesick-like nausea. Why? I was over that a LONG time ago. Does it still matter that some stupid boy broke my heart forever ago? No, not to the 27 year old me, but to the 16 year old me I'm still hurting, crying myself to sleep at night and wondering what was wrong with me, if I would ever feel "normal" again. I carried that with me for awhile, trying to regain a sense of myself, trying to find out who i was and where i belonged in the world (which, Ive come to realize, is an ongoing process).



I feel like my teenage years were a lifetime ago, and in reality they are, but there are the times that what happend to me then affect me now. It not often, and its not always bad, and usually i look back and laugh at me. At the time, the things i was going thru i always regarded as the end of the world; the worst possible problems ever. Now in many ways I wish I could go back and re-do things, but life is UFAIR and does not include do-overs.

Soulmate (or soul mate) is a term sometimes used to designate someone with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, or connection.



I used to believe so hard in soulmates. I believed that you had had one, possibly two persons in your life that understood you like no one else, someone who you could share anything and everything with, who knew you every which way and still loved you despite your flaws. Now im sure that its just bullshit and it tears me up to think that way. The 'soulmate' in question was someone i was friends with for a long time...in high school we became even closer, and at one point i thought he had a crush on me. We had people believeing we were brother and sister, even tho we are only about 4 months apart and look nothing alike. I loved him like i loved no other man (aside from my husband)...i loved him like the brother i never had. We lost touch after high school, like alot of friends do, and even when we would meet up it was like old times. I spent a long time being every depressed and even tho he wasnt around i knew he was with me like only a true soulmate would be. When we did talk i know i came off as different, strange...maybe a bit scarey. I feel so horrible for saying some of the things i did and pushing him away. When i tried to reach out to him, to explain my mind and words, i got no response. I feel really rejected and confused by his silence. I spent many nights talking him out of suicide, and for what? To be pushed away.



Words can hurt, but silence can hurt even more.





[From the Dawson's Creek Finale]



Dawson: Yeah. This writer has decided it doesn't matter how it ends... because fiction is fiction, and for the first time, in a long time... [Sighs] My life is real. It doesn't matter who ends up with who. Because in some unearthly way... it's always gonna be you and me.



Joey: Soul mates.



Dawson: What we have goes beyond friendship, beyond lovers. It's forever.