The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Charles' house is still a mess, no food at all not even scraps to feed the live mosue in demetri's cage, no hot watr still and he stinks. I am still with him cuz no one is going to end us but one of us. Living with uncle is okay, coffee, food, bed early up early for therapy. nightmares all weekend. Jew' s dog was stolen adn he gave it back when he found out cool. he is nicer now with being in/out of hospital again. charles said someone walked in side door took brutus collar and noticed jew sleeping left went around house adn started whistling for brutus, he came out his room said i know ur not whistling for my dog, kids took off he grabbed sword and started running down woolsey after them. they left wiht his collar, brutus didnt respond to whistling noonewhistles for him, we call him grunt for him...so idk if hes nuts or it happened. we are so far from eachother now. im keeping busy though its cool. dinner where? got to pick up mom from work. no gas to her other older daughters to pick her up from down the street (im walking to meet her after work) shes tired after work. im tired, nightmares dont go away. no peace in sleep at night. may sleep at janies for bub but hes at his friends anyway. damnit. want to go to do spanish and take a nother shower... ugh...dont know what else to say, took hole is more annoynig than nething now cant eat hot stuff still later

I had my extra molar pulled yesturday, it was under adn in the back on bottom so the hole is annoying and pain is too when i have it. I go to day therapy though 9-2 mon-fri which makes my day. Here i can tell all my secrets and am not judged by the people around me. I met a young woman at bus stop robin 30 went to school with oldest sis 31 and we have a lot in common about sick people (males specific) but it was nice conversating with her. Charles and i are together, i am living with uncle ray though, and was up all night screaming in my nightmares (screamin to wake up but didnt kept waking up my uncle though) So im babysittin my pumpkin whos fast asleep now. I will be going home to uncles in morning. I am up and down moods now and am goin to try to sleep with vicodin and not restoril new sleep med. I was given adivan in the hosp so hoping i can get prescript for it cuz it healed anxiety quick. Moms house is a mess and so is my love's. thorugh it all he is my love right now. HE allowed jew to get a dog (less than yr old pit male unnuetered) when there is no animal food in the hosue now and simba and lucky are not happy bout (his cats) it poor things hungary new mouth to feed. charles wouldnt let me bring a kitten monkey who i would take care of but hes stupid... uncle thinks charles adn i split but cuz others around me wanted it i didnt do it, i dont want it to break it right now. its my choice. its all me now, im #1 with my responsibilities etc so im living in the real world and still alive....

So I am in the hospital psych ward again not surprised and leaving today after aweek annd i must face everyone and put me first well see how it goes...

S o I go to my cousin's to avoid my man's mouth I get their own mouths at eachother loud and whiney voiced. I come home to man's mouth, drunk neighbor tells him he took it all out on me. I am the only one who stands by his side to hear it and deal with it. Heat's off, but I can shower at my mom's house up the street, unfortunately, he wont shower at all unless I drag him up there. I have to sleep next to him and touch him and he's sweaty adn filthy didnt even brush his teeth today...UGH...last night I am yelling at my boy for calling my sister (matt is my sis' ex and we are like bro&sis, it came out in a jealous rage though and looked bad)he slept on the couch until 11am and woke up adn started in front of Jew the bullshit. THe kids left and I told his son Jon at Dunkin (where he works) dont go home, he said im not, i said he hasnt stopped yelling and he said he wants to know if you're buying car or paying gas, he said "dont know jew should pay it", I agree but keep our chats between us, jew doesnt. I told jew the truth bout the other night when Charles told him I bugged him to call jew to smoke his weed, i really told him he has no balls with jew. Hell to pay knowing jew will repeat it all. So all morning. I had to hear him and all morning I cried. Going to Uncle Ray's to discuss my options. I dont know where to go or what to do, but chicapee campus is an option if open im taking it asap. I wear Joshua's jewel now and he brought him up "soldier's pillow" I walked away from Joshua my heart is cuz Charles was there. I am not happy anymore, he's so mean to me makin gme feel like a **** and low, squishes me again and agiain a bug that feels pain but doesnt die. We all have so many lives.RAW WAS AWESOME LAST NIGHT WITH TRISH STRATUS GUEST HOST ANS KICKED BUTT! I watched it alone but didnt mind. SPANISH2 getting done it is. Excited too. G2G WHere I live and should live, I dont know, I am scared of the world and sometimes I just want to die, or runaway. We will see what happens.

Headache again too,

DREAM LASTNIGHT THT I RECALL::: odd dream like I had a seizure and someone died or 2 people disappeared and I might have killed em but dont know cuz the seizure...

Jobcorps is on delay, I must have 12 credits to go for my high school diploma and I have 7, it will be 8 when spanish 2 completed. So I have been working my butt off to complete it. Charles lies over adn over again. He told Jew I said to keep callin ghim so I could smoke his pot. I told him why you going to call him its not goin gto make him come home any faster. I told him he no balls when it came to jew. I was right, he has no pot or boges at all should jew leave here. That night he stayed on the couch, didnt sleep either. I did. Cezar saved my night. My emotions are out of control. I feel overwhelmed with everything. I may move back in with mommy. I can I help and clean and pay there. I cant live here. Its out of control, the trash(flowing-he moans about it but doesnt frigging pick it up, it will stay flowing til i do it) and dishes(i do and jew did and c will but not today) and gnats flies its disgusting. He will stay home and bitch at the dog or himslef waitn for boge or bud to appear but he wont pick up todya)I scrubbbed the kitchen floor white with scrubbing bubbles and dish rag one day everyone was gone. So Charles had a fit yelled at me then went and yelled at the kids who left for dunckin. I showered and went and joined them. Then I went to the library (here now) to do spanish-did and will keep doing it...4 more subjects for 12 credits. Jobcorps will wait and its my freeride out for my education and out of RI. WIth uncle Rays permission I will do it, having his permission to go means alot tome. Court comin up again another delay in my leaving. Lawyer apt thurs, nikkki wednesday, today is school adn copies and faxes. I am overwhelemed. Headache all ways. I am sick and tired but I am strong, noo one can tell me otherwise so I believe em. He tells me im not strong as i think. I cant even trust him to do my tarot cards. I dont believe him. on anything unless someone else like his son or sis confirm it. G2G SCHOOL



IAMSTRONG JENNIFERLOVEYOU

Also I believe when my love charles learns the truth of his son speaking to his biological mother Fey that is my chance to walk away but I said I'd stay by him to his death...All thisis so chaotic cuz the truth is charles lied about lots and the truth always comes out, is this truth going to take everything from him??? His son and soon to be grandchild? Me? His sanity? His Life? Idontknow. But with JobCorps Im going my own way now to live my life...LATER



LOVE&CONFUSION



PS Charles has stated I testify in court for the child not either parent. UGH its going to be ugly

I had a great interview with Mr.Wiboat the admissions counselor from exeter. I was real nervous but completed all his forms and must fax him other forms. Charles & I fought all night, first on sex stipulations then i told him he had no balls when it came to jeremy, he got so mad he said he couldnt look he closed the dorr on me when cezar called last night, he stayed on the couch and looked like crap this morning,no shower or shave adn looked like he hasnt slept. He came to dunkin while iwas in interview came over andkissed me when mr.wibaot left. he is doing business today up jews butt wondering if its for his stuff or hes bored or trying to looktough,he looks likehes up jews butt during business. whatever.kids slept out,imsad, iwant to tell sam asll about last night. so cezar myny called while we were arguing and made my night. I slept alione cat came in this morn.I slept though he didnt. Idont feel sad either. I got cezars bleep and i want to run badly.But Icant/ Jobcorps is my escape to safety peace motivation educational environment etc. I want jobcorps, but will my court situation and mental health issues decide otherwise??? Scared and Nervous. I decided on Chicopee Mass JobCorps, uncle ray decided maine mom decided exeter... COnfusing...making my decision on chicopee after i speakith that counselr...LATER

I 've had a long day. I spent the day with my mom in town and this is what happened. I have a goddaughter, Dolly, soon to be four and is in the middle of an ugly custody battle. Her parents are separated with lovers and are not nice or mature towards eachother ever. I saw both parents separately today (they had court) the father on recess and the mother afterward. I saw the mother's paperwork today on the child's mental health situation. So I am deeply confused on who the child should be with, who is the better parent behind closed doors, I dont know and I fear for the child's mental health through the chaos of the parents towards eachother. Recently the father accused the mothers bf of child molestation. I have chosen to stay out of the battle due to my own court complications and life complications. But I know these charges to be false and words planted in the child's mind. I am at a point in the battle where the child must endure a rape kit at a childrens hospital. UGH! Dolly is beautiful and smart with a speech defect. The parents are choosing separate paths for the child's schooling and health and everything and anything to fight about over the child they do. I have been friends with the father about 8 yrs now and the mother about 5 yrs. But they were not always my friends or nice to me. When I was a teenager they mentally abused me and I have not forgotten, NOW the child is being mentally abused by both parents on words and thoughts drilled in to her little brain. I don't know what to do now, I feel the child would be no better off in state custody than with either parnet without the other. THIS IS CHAOTIC and I am someone probably the only one that knows the truth to both sides from the past. I can not state the mother's behaviour or lifestyle in the present and the father I can say so much but the whole tihng has caused great confusion to me and I feel the child is in danger of her mental state. Wow what a day...



But last night Sam & I had the house to our selves for some hours and chatted. I have the truth, Charles my love is a pathological liar, and I can not be open about it cuz Sam and I said we'd keep it to ourselves that JOn his son has been in touch with his biological mother. He has a sister who contacted him first. So we are not real. My happiness with him is a lie like our relationship is lie. I have jobcorp as a way out...What will happen... CONFUSION FILLS ME AND MY MIND

The weekend at uncles was not bad. got back to his house bout 7:30 wit ma an jord. ma accused me of takin her $50 which was where she had it the whole time. then jord was baktalkin an i tapped her mouth. i finished my 2nd book black cat an started 3rd child of darkness. charles packed my belongings after a fight "degrading" him calling him stupid. reality check i got and see the others slide by and not get the lectures i get for hours. he knows all and what is going to happen and can read me blah blah blah. NO MORE STIPULATIONS! Why we are not having sex i put stipulations there too and cuz i want to orgasm im self centered and wont do nothing for him in bed. wow! Never been told im self centered, he makes me feel small like a bug u squish and comes too and squish me again. until i crack or leave or kill myself...what is the out come he sees or wants? I know not, I am a fool but am learning things. JOBCORP NEWS i meet mr.wiboat friday @ 11am to discuss everything. I might go to anotherone not theone i told every one i would. I stay wit him cuz i swore i will til he dies. I will keep to my word though he may not. I dont know what the future holds. one step at a time for me. jobcorp i hope holds a place for me. scared sick torn inside CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS GROWUP BE AN ADULT ring in my mind. babysitting again been here since after 12 now 7:30 my show on soon...later babies asleep

So I feel more and more suicidal all the time. I spent 5years writing matthew and I feel betrayed like i can't trust him now and i told him he better side with me over stacy. im stuck at uncles for the weekend but today agreed to babysit and moms with me, we got both babies pumpkin an lady. stacy said she was taken ladybug being stubborn but ended up leaving her here. They both got baths when they woke and then went in the wagon all the way down broadway to the store and park for 2 hours. they loved it. ladybug fell asleep in the wagon on way home and woke due to bump on sidewalk and fussed until we got in the house now they both playing on the floor. i went down the slide with pumpkin and think he likes me more and more...he has to get used to me everyone says, and i want him too, i love these kids...jordyn acts snobby and different towards me and mom now around jani and stacy, karma angel... "how to get by how to get through feeling alone completely wantin to take all the pills too get out of here...drown life itself", i wasnt ready to leave the hospital but i did to see matt...what a mistake that was i think now i am going to keep his money and use i on my house supplies. its coming in a money ordercheck thing in my loves name...so only he can cash it ...what to do ??? My tvshow is a break from reality too. I am lost in this world. So Jobcorps in Maine is a big decision and uncle ray agrees to it, SHOCKER! i must call them mon or tues (mon. holiday=labor day) I hope it works out...we shall see. I must meditate and here its not likely...my circle of power to show me the way...LATER

All night I had nightmares and this morning. I cant control them, in my dream state I feel completely helpless, confused, and frightened. I spent my day with my love and my mom. I slept with my love at my moms cuz she babysat overnight at my sisters (31 Janie) so I stayed with my dog Reme. She(Reme) has something wrong with her and she has her period too so I must get her medical assistance she cant heal herself and its not free. its very expensuive but mom longs to hold her until she has a better home in place and keep her happy and healthy along the way. I loved my cats moose mellow and mocha said hello to babygirl too. I got up at 6:40am out of bed and let reme out adn played wuith her and her shredded teddy bear. it was cool, i loved it, giving her attention seein g her happy and excited. I heard her cry last night when i went back to my loves house all the way down the road til I got around the bend in the street, it hurt my feelings leaving her by herself. in the house. The house is in shambles, my room is stuffed with all the clothes that were in my moms room before. My cubby is in shambles too but I cant remove it at this time. There is a child crying adn i cant handle noise at all especially a babay girl crying. I read on abused sister on google, "report him to the police and the baby is in life danger" adn health danger already at 11 months old yesturday, We have angel today mom and I and I am thrilled to see her and know she hasnt seen scumbag at all. Charles has been vvery helpful adn today I clung to him due to the nightmares. Thats my update...



CARMELLA

mommy had been very supportive and uncle ray and sandra came to visit me. we played blackjack with starr the first night and sorry last night...I have to puty me first they all say. So I hope to see all my kids today (niecesadnnephews) but im unaware of any plans made. I will not speak to my oldest sister janie eithe rfor allowing scum in her hosue. I ma happy for my loved ones to understand and have my back. Most of them do.

Friday night after a fight with Charles I packed up and went to the hospital behavioral health unit and was released this morning. I went home to his house showered and came to the library to watch sunday nights missed episode of big brother,. Uncle TOm picked me up at the hospital and told me he went to stacys in fall river to drop off bunkbeds ans scum and skye was there. I am sick and sad but I am reporting my sister to mass child and family services, I hope that the otucome the girls ladybug and angel go to my mothers and stac must have supervised visits. I hope. I must go see my lawyer Sept 15 @ 4pm. I will go early to go to mass dss to speak to someone about the situation. I hate my sister, no i dont but she disgusts me. I wish to lay her scum in a coffin but thats why i went to the hospital so i didnt go to jail for all my breathing days for killing him. I am sad, sick, disturbed, disgusted etc... I met a girl named Starr, awesome crazy chick who has bad drug addictions. She has been clean but in and out of the 8thflr due to 2 attempted over doses. We exchanged numbers. I met a few people but I wont put their lives onlien in here. I must buy a mouse and feed demetri today it is tues. I am broke but alive. I got food at hoem and got to go organize my belongings I packed alot going to the hospital in the pouring rain. Charles adn I embraced, he missed me and I was happy to hear it. and he went off to help his landlord (puts money in their pockets him adn Jews orlowers rent cool either way) he said to relax so tonight after organizing my things I will relax, I still have a nicotine patch on which I used daily in the hosptial abd hope to quit smoking cigarettes completetly. All is going to be alright, I hope. The social worker actually my oldest sister used to be her nanny and she is very nice and could be snobby but she is not to me or any patients I have noticed or gheard. I saw and spoke to the fatman doc upstairs and the nurses, I told them I know what must be done adn there is nothing more that can be done here. I actually need matts money to come in the mail todya to go to boston thursday i am thrilled about it. I missed his weekend calls but I will fiil him in when i speak top him...GSG

BEST OF LUCK TO MY FAM SITUATION



CARMELLA