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Hey Another Thursday, mom turned 50 yesturday, Craig 28 Monday, and Sandra 16 Saturday, Ambry's sister Michele is due any time now, 3 centi dialated yesturday, Woman and Infants said over 4 to stay in the hospital. So A lot of july babies now a lot Sept. Stacy is havning hers with in the next two weeks, before the 7th of OCt or they must take it out. Skye's havin her Cee section on Oct 21. Just found out my friend Jess who lives in VA right now is having a baby with her high school sweetie Spinny...I am not having no kids til im married. Scary thinkin I will never get married and have kids at all. I need to get another depo til Dec I should stay on it and find out how my body reacts (no moeny, no food again, no cat food, so im scared to get my period again now with no money so no feminine products) Mom playing with her money so we go without. I am so sick, it was her BDAY yesturday so I gave her a break now its the same thing. SANDRA thing Sandra theat, her party we need food and this and that. I am so sick of it. I am not spending a penny on Sandra's bday, I got Mom And Aunty red sox collages I made with newspaper articles. I need help. I havent gone with out since I stopped stealing. Lose weight? Starve and exercise...G2G depressed CARMELLA

Okay day, decided to try sleeping without ambien cr, did not go well, got up at 10:30 and started my day. I got a job interview tomo @ Pilgrim House Inn to apply and interview, COOL, its a start somewhere, try out, 2-3 days a week, 5-6 hrs day, about $120 week minus taxws (fine with me) any extar income, and $100 week is fine for needs we run out of in the month (cat fd, min, buds, shamp, soap, razors, cond, simple needs) but im excited. Its a long walk and its going to get cold, I said I got to start winter shopping, shoes, clothes, coat, scarf, gloves hat etc...Need a job, need sneakers and khakis for job, the rest to get there in cuz temp. are going down now and quick. We will see what happens. I am going to keep applying every where I can find, hoping for something close. That will forgive my shoplifting stupidity. Hey, I learned and need to make money so I can buy my needs and not steal, that's why I want the job. Any job I can get too works for extra money. We will see. So I called Craig two nites ago @ 11 lonely, STUPID ME! and he talked but was on his way to wrok. He called me yest, I called him back 1/2 hr later, and he was sleepy so I said go to sleep, he said I might call out, I willc all you when I wake up and decide what to do. He never called, stayed up til 11pm. I dressed sexy and comfy so I could sleep in what I was wearing if he didnt show, he didnt call. Its ok, I know he dont love me I just want him to hold me. I wish Joshua was here. He would be with me, but he's afar and I must wait for him for awhile. Patience, I am better leaving Craig behind and waiting for Joshua. Joshu would be the first man I waited for without seeing or sleeping with anyone else. We will see what happens. Spanish going okay except the school has not responded. DAMN THEM. I emailed em twice and ut Urgent. Nothing. I must call asap when I have min. I got to vac the house. Craig called me 45 min ago, nn mute again after 11 last night when he didnt call. I called him back now and he didnt answer, its fine with me. I dont sweat it at all. I dont want to sleep with him, and I hope for his own sake, he dnt have a condom in his wallet. Then he can leave, Who is this for? You are carrying it obviously for somebody. We dont use condoms, only once in 22 months. I am okay. I can make it without him. I will, we have for about 8 weeks. G2G

Been smoking with Jacob or Ambry, hang out with Jen H on occasion. Been bored, cleaned all day , up ealry, laundry all day, got to go home and switch it too. Cell home on charger, beneficial on min anyway. Broke, no got $10 bills and figure, bag, but stogs too. DAMN! I will be broke soon, Mom gets a nice check tomo, got like $200 or over for Sandras 16th bday. I gt a spinning sam that made candy in its belly that didnt work ever. Whatever, She got away with calling me a ho last night too. Lil spoiled brat, I took my bag she took for a back pack. I was mad at her and wanted that bag to carry school work in...Got to do exams online. LAter Being motivated with school, cleaning, job search, stretches adn exercises, breakfast. Im good.

Been smoking with Jacob or Ambry all weekend, no bar aftet thura nite. No money now either. I got 30+12+unknown debit leftovers=need min, house needs, hoping to have enough for bud, but have to save that for last. I need to lost weight now and trying to before it gets cold so I can fit in my original beginning of the summer size- 11/12 yeah. I dotn want to buy fat clothes for winter then lose the weight and not fit in anything warm. Joshu and I have texted, he doesnt understand my emotions about waiting for him to protect myself, my future and ours together should that be where it ends. I dont know. I need to mail him his letter and lil teddy but package for the lil teddy is $5 cant do it right now. Tell me where $2,494 went too since sept 1 til sept 9=every bill for home, home needs, debts, bullshit on drinking, buds, stogs, cds etc. .but and lawyer thats why its gone. Ok got it. I miss Joshua, its going to be a long time. Ambry's car is almost ready for driving again. I am sure all the other girls will be back around, but they got money they are good for gas and buds. WEll life is boring, got to motivate myself, lose weight, tone myself, eat healthy and light, exercises and stretches everyday. Cleaning like every other day now but it keeps my morning going. Got to buy fruits, veggies, cheap yogurt thats good for me, white meats, wheat breads, no pasta, nothing fried, but baked or boiled (not starchy foods though) I need to look good, eat good etc. HELP MYSELF! dreams and nighmares, rather not remember any or nightmares at all. I dont understadn how some people dont dream, do they all lie, or do not recall dreaming at all? I need buds. I hate not being high. I can have a clear mind and be happy & study too why smoking. COOL! I am getign OZ all 6 seasons and the book for $90 from Jacobs mom on OCt 1, got to give the money b4 receiving it, Jacob said, she handed it all to me, he said it can given at the same timewe get. You got it. money with it, not later. Its fine, im thrilled about it. My new $30 tv he gave me will finally got to use for myself. Big Bro @ 9 this POV will determine who goes home this week. STUDIES tonight, before BIG BRO like 6-9 or something. I am so scared I got a 0 on my first Spnaish exam, it said received 9-04 and then it said 0 0f 100 but it may be wrong right? not graded yet, received. Nervous, havent got below a 75 and now a 0... I need help with Spanish now. I am tired, my life needs to be uselful, like exercise, stretch, walk, jog, stair stepping, workout set, or mat. IDK. Money is gone til Oct & coin collecting is on the likst to use my money for a hobby I enjoy though it costs money, hey I am spending it on coins, not bar or drugs you know. LATER

I walked 2 the All Vets Club last night. I needed the exercise, had my headphones, stopped at Wendys for a frosty adn 2 chicken sandwiches, it was hot and I knew Id be hungry drinking later. So I had 1 vodka and pineapple, then 3 mojitas and pineapple and then we went to Big Dawgs and had two more mojitas and pineapple. I also smoked a joint. I was feeling good unti lI had back pains and was hurting adn not feeling any goodness then. I had a hangover this morning, and a tight aching back and legs. I need to stretch before walking or exercising. I slept in today. I have court tomo so I will up & out early tomo. Club tomo night, Friday nite, usually what happens. I need to break on drinking. But I probably wont. I tihnk I will stick to my vodka and pineapple though, no hangovers from that, and everything else does. Jacob is not my friend, he calls me to find him bud or buy buds to smoke with him. He burned me, I spent $50 on a quarter that rolled 3 blunts. good weed but dont think so. I will get a $35 quaarter that will last and weigh out and I can smoke with whoever I want. I got to go see Ambry, see how big the kittens are, smoke some weed with get, get some weed (buy from sum1 who will deal right) and I miss her, she is my only friend really here anyway. All my other real friends live far out of state. I MISS JOSHUA...I emailed him on my space song "Patience" by Guns&Roses. We can be together we just have to be patient. I need a man to marry and he is a man, young, sweet, mature, responsible, college graduate, army soldier etc... I met him after I turned 18 in h igh school. He said oh you justturned legal and we went from there, we made out in the foreign language dep. classroom that fits 2 kids and 2 big desks. Well i heard he was a virgin so I didint want to sleep with him but guys dont care. Well his mom called him and then Bob called me both outside. Bobby said he looked like a caveman, just a hater and now we may be getting married someday. Dont want to move too fast, he will be going to Iraq probably by next summer and i am still in high school though im 21 now 22 in dec.As long as I graduater college and have a career, we should be fine. But Iraq is my fear, everytime he walks out the door, I have tow airt fro every letter and call to make sure hes alrihgt and hope hwalkes in the door every dep from overseas and not other soldiers to tell me he died. Hard life to live. Do it for love mom always said. Well I will. And Ihope love keeps us alive for many years after our marriage. Big Bro on tonight and Rennny is going home. DAMN! I have to go shopping, we got food stamps. YEY!g2g

"What we've got here is failure to communicate.

Some men you just can't reach...

So, you get what we had here last week,

which is the way he wants it!

Well, he gets it!

N' I don't like it any more than you men." *





Look at your young men fighting

Look at your women crying

Look at your young men dying

The way they've always done before





Look at the hate we're breeding

Look at the fear we're feeding

Look at the lives we're leading

The way we've always done before





My hands are tied

The billions shift from side to side

And the wars go on with brainwashed pride

For the love of God and our human rights

And all these things are swept aside

By bloody hands time can't deny

And are washed away by your genocide

And history hides the lies of our civil wars





D'you wear a black armband

When they shot the man

Who said "Peace could last forever"

And in my first memories

They shot Kennedy

I went numb when I learned to see

So I never fell for Vietnam

We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all

That you can't trust freedom

When it's not in your hands

When everybody's fightin'

For their promised land





And

I don't need your civil war

It feeds the rich while it buries the poor

Your power hungry sellin' soldiers

In a human grocery store

Ain't that fresh

I don't need your civil war





Look at the shoes your filling

Look at the blood we're spilling

Look at the world we're killing

The way we've always done before

Look in the doubt we've wallowed

Look at the leaders we've followed

Look at the lies we've swallowed

And I don't want to hear no more





My hands are tied

For all I've seen has changed my mind

But still the wars go on as the years go by

With no love of God or human rights

'Cause all these dreams are swept aside

By bloody hands of the hypnotized

Who carry the cross of homicide

And history bears the scars of our civil wars





"We practice selective annihilation of mayors

And government officials

For example to create a vacuum

Then we fill that vacuum

As popular war advances

Peace is closer" **





I don't need your civil war

It feeds the rich while it buries the poor

Your power hungry sellin' soldiers

In a human grocery store

Ain't that fresh

And I don't need your civil war

I don't need your civil war

I don't need your civil war

Your power hungry sellin' soldiers

In a human grocery store

Ain't that fresh

I don't need your civil war

I don't need one more war





I don't need one more war

Whaz so civil 'bout war anyway

Well today school started adn so did my regular schedule (meds, clean, exercises & stretches, laundry, shower, meditate,errands, library, studies etc. IDK after studies) It went well for a start. I was up at 6:30, out of bed after 8, all things except laundry and exercises done today. I need to study today after I leave here and I got to corner Uncle Tom to take our trash to his dumpster. The landlord came yesturday, I was sleeping, had a nightmare ruined my day so I ignored the knock knowing it was not my mom's. I heard the landlord and her adult children, her and her daughter just running their mouths and talking about coming in the house and yelling hello in the windows. The son tried to call me from his nextel I didnt answer cuz it was on vibrate and i was slepping (it was before they camer to the door) so I saved it to the lanlord and now I know not to answer it. I got to get rid of the trash, mom is saying buy the yellow bags, I want the table gone too. I paid everything this month, food next since that lady "lost our folder" and is not calling us back. I spent $2,494 on bills, debts and almost $700 on junk, bar, buds, stogs, cds (not complaining on those) JUNK! FLos dinner and cat food and house stuff, electric, rent etc and she sayd I paid heat $50 last month (so i could pay off school) so next month its half and half nothing more nothing less. I cant believe my first retro is gone. Life goes on. Birthdays will come and go and then october will be here. Which is uncle mike's bday, stac and skye's babies here and halloween then November. 2008 will be over shortly. Thanksgiving and Ivan will be here then North Carolina until Christmas and New Years. Big chance Im moving to NC but big bugs and heat make me wonder if I can handle it or will run home. I hate home, RI but its home. I want to go somewhere and try to make it, try to start over for myself. I forgave myself for my past already, I let it go, now I work on making my present getting through school and taking care of my home with my mom and Sandra. War and the election is scaring me. I can only hope and vote. That's it. Big Brother is going opposite of what I wanted. But itsd a reality show, not much to care about. LATER CARMELLA



IMISSJOSHUA SO MUCH AND MATT but he will be home soon, I dont know when I will see Joshua again. sad...