The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Had a restitution hearing today. Birdpoop was there with his slut of a sister. I smile at them always. I told Rene my attorney in Massachusetts of the attempted jumping. She wants to hear about it. I dont believe it can help since I attacked her the 2nd time. alone. With my people there. So no one could jump in adn protect her. I finished the fatal crown and anther book which was just as amazing. Sad I forgot the name and author already and finished and returned it today. So birdpoop wants myself to pay his hospital bills and cash for himself. I know he was fired from his job at hellyhansen or next door (can prove it, and was due to his second domestic which was the day I stabbed him for blackening my sisters eye size of a peach. Haha. I know where he works and the address he uses though i believe him to be hosuehopping. I must keep track of his hangouts workplace adn home. I want to put a knife in his throat and have his sister watch ihim bleed out. Then I would have to kill her so she couldnt testify it was myself. i am alrihgt, I got a damned good free attorney, might attractive adn persuasive. I am lonely. Hungary adn nedd a nap too. Need some weed. Yes I do. So I see that my $120 was $60 last night and now I think I spent it. Stupid me. Last night I got home and counted it cuz pulled $20 for uncle for gas. Took the rest adn bought boges, 3 lottery tickets(lost) dunkin donuts coffees muffin for uncle tom and bagel for myself. Then an orange juice. Its so early too. I missed both my alarms this morning woke up at my eat breakfast and take meds. So i made oat meal then uncle tommy beeped. waste of oatmeal. took meds with coffee at dunkin in mass next to court house. Back to work tomo, back to court Dec.20th and got to make appointment to meet with rene go over his medical bills and the jumping story. Calvin and i been hanging out. But I still love Joshua. We both agreed once divorce was filed if not done with we would be done. Not friends acquantances nothing. Wonder if he will still attend uncle rays on newprot schooldays. Well update. Work. Sleep. Read. walking, riding bus. want headphones. But now $240 rent Nov. broke. No contacts either. Got ebcap eye appt to hope they assist in paying for my glasses nov appt. I love going into the worlds of my books. Back in England with Earls and Dukes and Kings. The Fatal Crown by Ellen jones is amazing(for readers of another time) Well g2g now



Carmella

My husband wants me to delete his name from my other online journal. He gooogled his name and found it adn showed it to his friends adn sister. So he spent 80 on me today. Cool. Jen's party tonight. Uh work sleep read the fatal crown by ekken jones been giving me good dreams and i cant put it down ethough I read it before dont know how long ago. Got to clean up hpuse and room and meditate clear my mind of everything so i can do tarot readings at jen's party tonight. Got clothes cool. Still got to get boots for winter and halloween, the bugger the foot the more money. G2G



ILOVEYOUJENNIFER LETTER COMING

New News? Actually doing Spanish 2, writing Jennifer in Indiana one of few girlfriends. Ambrie and her sister Jen cure my anxiety so does the pot ben is bombing this second. Nice to be high and here. She letting me do the laundry free too, the rest of it and my pirates caribbean blanket from my husband. But Dre hated it. I kept his chess game, shorts, our portrait kissing from the arcade(safe in a plastic cover but wrinkled.) I miss Dre' s arms around me at night. Calvin and I are not meant to be. Maybe I belong with no one, my own place, pets, pot, alone. Maybe. I worry about Joshua every day. The necklace I wear from him keeps him alive in my mind every day. His simple texts put emotions in me I have felt nowhere with nothing else. Even better that a peaceofmind in mymind thecircle that brings ease and relaxation. Dre's arms around me made me crazy inside. Better than him & I being sexual. his arms and body size and warmth the security i felt i miss so much and holdin me through the night. I guess i've been sending my husband mixed signals i tried to take the necklace back he took from my treasure box i didnt give it to him he took it o his own going through the box when i wasnt there. I sleep with him and i cant handle his touch through the night. I cant handle seeing him really cuz im getting a divorce. So much negative and positive. Staying with mom to haelp her with rent. Big fight i told her id handle this months rent and cant cuz need a phone and maybe to buy jen's gift and pot and everglo for jen's party-we will all drink it so im not giving it to her im giving it to myself. i love what i got her. Positive I gave Rose at work a birthday card and she told my mom she loved it it put a smile on her face when we were both at work. that made me smile too. I enjoy the nurses courses at work and work altogether. The simple therapy classed with mary jane help relax me in the morning. we have them every tues and thurss but i dont work tues everyday. I saw crazy pill popping Pamela today. She changed her shirt in newport man, the man todl me "take her outside' take her outside." He dont want her in the store no more. She was high high on zantecs. so sad and angry bout what people do to themselves but they make their own choices. I want to enjoy my own life and do what i want as long its with in the law not against loyalty. Theres some positive and now im in a positive mood imin some guy i know he hittin on me im enjoyin it.LATER

Carmella

i saw Justin last night-good news out first-a yummy(SO HOT)looking man who works 20/7 (may sleep when not at work) I saw him at his other job the Newport Blues Cafe outside checking Ids an dI stopped at said hello. He told me to go to the police stations, i told him the police scared me, he said "you are an idiot" he is blunt but always holds that gorgeous smile (vampire canines and beautiful all white teeth, short thick black curly hair, white man, about 28 now, thick but gorgeous) He didnt approve of me when I told him I smoked pot or whne he caught me smoking cigarettes. We never asked eachother out or anything, and I can seee he wont be asking me out but his ex girlfriend was a gothic chic with septum balls and ugly(mom said, I never saw her) Well they broke up-dont know why, dont care. So I told my husbadn leave me alone. I went to Providence alone and went to Wickenden St over the a park on my right side of the India Park Bridge. I sat on the water very sad and had tears fall a few tiems last night-before I saw Justin-made my night- I miss Dre. Too bad for me. I called every number I had for him and went to his cousins' in Festimal Field. One his cousins I grew up with wasnt home but the sitter let me in to see the girls and they are huge and beautiful. So I walked last night in Prov from this park to Kennedy plaza bout 20 minute walk. I got a check paid my meds off got to order and pick up my birth control today. I got my $10 for a buspass, spent money on bus trips, a bag, lucies... I am sad and alone. I think I will nap today. Ambrie saved me last night from ym tears and loneliness-sitting nude after shower cuz all clothes and sheets stunk like cat pee and dog. I through on sweats and sweatshirt and she said grab a load well take it to jens I grabbed sheets some outfits-supposed to be warm today...So went to sleep at like 3am at home. made bed and wrote down schedule and stuff. NEWS- Period. So hated on my husband. I apologized. I told him he is great im mentally screwed up in a negative way. He knows, understands, deals with it all. He is screwed up mentally too. I know when my BPD started when my stepfather abandoned my father, I was like 11-12years old. I didnt take it well, I went suicidal and angry. But I am going to start a 5 subj notebook journal thing for "recovery Journal writing-ill be ok, im going to write a book and publish it. True or False be rich. G2G STAY POSITIVE-to myself

So Dre is gone, I threw him out, and he smashed my phone, broke 3 televisions, 2 cable boxes(brand-new-day we got boxes day he broke em) he let my dog loose, pioured pnuemonia and fantastic spray and murphy soap all ocer my bedroom floor then dumped big bag dog food in it. YEAH, 37 year old man did that, real grown and mature. If he didnt smash my phone we would be together and be fine. I didnt call police, police terrify me, give me anxiety. I didnt get upset i thought my check will come friday and i can buy a new phone and house stuff, well my check didnt come in, so im broke adn struggling. I spent days and nights with calvin, and he driving me nuts to "HAVE A BABY" what? Now I want to be blunt and honest, I left all the men in my past-majority of them, that were there, I left them, and hurt them and lost them. Now I speak on this becasue I have run in to them or have had dreams or nightmares with them in it all recently or they have crossed my mind(Memories) simply in town. It causes me great pain sadness misery but its my past and looking at it hurts. My Love Joshua is in Afghanistan and we made contact recently. Dre was aware of the text & got pretty peeved. I understand but dont acknowledge that I care. I love Joshua. But he is not here. And I am already married. Now this is my journal so I can let all my insides out on here. I will erase names cuz my husband didnt like he was namd online and written negative about. My husband is a nut but so am I. Now a reason I wish to not get back with him is he has lost control over his money, to the state. AH! And that doesnt sit well with me becasue he is a grown man. I would not give my money to mental health for an apartment-it wouldnt be my own anyway. RULES-no control over my money, no nights friends over, no drugs-ILOVEMARIJUANA! LOTS NEWS, LOTS NEW DRAMA! Well I rasn into Ambrie ther night before I left Dre, and we see eachother now. Her sister lives up road from me and she is there alot. I want to study Spanish, not easy for me. But life is not easy either. I found my girlfriend Jennifer and she wrote me and I called her and it is so nice to discuss everything with someone else who is notnegative or cricizing. My mother is negative bout everything except my husband. NO BABY though! I dont want one now, not another ten years. POSITIVE: ILOVEMYJOB! My boss just retired and im so sad but I love my job. I have abusy day tomo and today. G2G