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We got through season 3 of Oz and he has learned a few thinghs about me I feel he should know to understand me a lil better. It has been alright. Nothing old nothing new. My horoscopes say a lot though which helps. I had my kids last night but left them anyway they were distracted with my lil sis. My nephew was mad I left him but I told him to come and he said no. So I went at 6 and left a lil after 11. Put mark in my bed and went to sleep. I kept thinking I was beside Charles and wake up realizing I was in my own bed. We took a nap after oz this season was done only 2 episodes to watch last night. I am ok. Not happy, not sad, a lil down but dont know why. I will see him later. I have to clean my house and shower and would like to go to my uncles but dont see that today. It is so cold like 22 degrees out. Charles is giving me areal coat, I said no I got to wait a week and 1/2 to do my winter shopping, speaking of that got online search for christmas shopping to do. LAter

Carmella



Havent talked to anyone except uncle and Charles no phone no problems. its nice but i dont like not being able to call uncle in the morn.

So we have got through Oz season 2, cool. We discussed we are a courtship, he explained "the strengthening of a relationship without sex involved." OK! I can deal with that, that's fine with me. He is my magician, I realized my tarot card today. He is my teacher, and my other reading said dont speak of personal feelings now, because it is professional now and you dont want to cause issues while you are learning. My tarot is beautiful. I got 3 different ones online, but sometimes they are totally different but sometimes they all say something I need to understand. Like the personal and professional feelings, dont speak on personal feelings right now, one says escape today, escape it all and enjoy yourself. Its amazing. We are sexually active but with hands and lips thats all (like kissing and finger play) Thats it. He says he only has sex with woman he loves, so I have already told him, we are never having sex. ANd love doesnt just happen, I love alot of people but in the way I would protect them not want to live with them forever. My yahoo ? about me obsessing him had a response, he is not as perfect as you think he is now. And you may have to give up learning from him because of your emotions, but it is good you realize or recognize the obsession now. Good answer. I am scared of what my future holds, Taking day by day is not easy or satisfying. Joshua has not called me, havent had minutes now, and I havent sent hos letter of me kissing another man, but I wrote it, just not sent it. I dont like hurting others, but im selfish, I think about myself and emotions at that time instead of consequenses and others pain. I am not sleeping with anyone (and should I PROTECTION) not that stupid when it comes to pregnancy or disease. But kissing or enjoyment that is not longterm is it worth it? Yes to me, because learning can be amazing and then those you leanr from come and go... Nothing new, cept we had an Oz free nite last nite and hung out with fam most of the nite. O love his realtionship with his son, it is beautiful, and how his fam comes first, I accept and honor him for it as well... Thanksgiving coming soon so is my money. I want a good amount of buds...and I wan tto drink... I want to enjoy my December (winter coat, gloves, hat, scarf, shoes, sweats etc...LATER Carmella

I hung out with Charles and Jonathan last night at their place. We watched like 5 episodes of OZ. It was awesome. We also kissed and he was rubbing my legs. He found my tags and was like wow, not ok...I was like oh shit, then I was like I sort of liike to think we are together. Then it got to military chat and Sean and Billy lied about everything...They never got out of Basic Training. I just lost all my respect for them. And Sean has two girls pregnant. Christine is going to kill herself, I see it once the truth comes out. In awhile though, Charles is going with Sean and the other girl Shana to get the DNA testing. We ended up kissing by shotgun, cept it was no shot gun, theree was bud in his mouth and then his tongue went in to mine...OMG! I am so crazy. I have a lot of respect for Charles. He is so wise & full of knowledge. He says his family are protectors. I believe him. I know he raised Jonathan by himself while in the military (10 years) Jonathan is 17, still a kid. I watched Charles finish Jon's tattoo filling it in. I want Carmella on my stomach. I wanted. until Charles proved Billy wasnt ALUCARD, I knew that but for billy to poop himself in front of people saying he said it to make others scared of him, disgustss me and makes me wander if Raven is still alive, now the true Alucard, or Dillon would not have responded to a demonslayer that way at all. Charles showed me this beautiful wooden dagger he called a demonslayer. It has 3 heads on top of eachother, the heads appear as natives with pierced faces and red around the color of the eyes, green make up fingered across the cheeks, the last face or head on the sheath has a beard. I think it is beautiful. I havent spoke or heard from Charles. Very disappointed. he has no idea how crazy I am, and when its reality we are nothing together, it will destroy me . I look at his as a true man, older, with his knowledge and wisdom and strength. He has eyes I can sink in to so blue, like joshua years older. I dont see Joshua say-ing dirty jokes being serious or funny. Its just Iloveyou and I missyou and I wish we were together. Joshua texted me when I got home. No coincidence to me. or surprising. So I told him I was blank and selfish and he shouldnt wait for me, I am not a woman, or the type of woman he needs to stand by him in his future. Charles said "God took my rib to make me a soulmate, woman belong beside me not in front of or behind me, beside me." So beautiful his wordsof wisdom. He does tarot cards so he keeps himself straight. Uh, our lives crossing puts his life is offtrack. No it doesnt he can dismissm e from his life like a cockroach crawling on the fllor then smoosh trash. I am scared. I am used to the day you have a good time and the next like nothing happenned .It upsets me alot,. I am so scared and nervous the outcome of Charles and my friendship. We didnt have sex. No it will wait. Should it happen. I am sick today. I am real nausous and lightheaded and I got to go to Uncles for lunch since we have nothing much at home. I cant run out of juice, we are getting gingerale. It is going to be a dull night, I am going to end up at dunkins hanging out cuz Jonathan works tonight. I will hang there even if Charles isnt there to have something to do. Soup sounds good, nice hot, healthy chicken noodle with veggies and broth. Yeah... It has been a brain blank awhile now. Charles said he can read people and I am a blank wall. Its only cuz he doesnt know me and my depression is blank and empty inside me. He is the first to tell me that he cant read me but because of my brain and depression is why. He knew I was attracted to him. The other night he gave me his number at Dunkins, I was thrilled. I saw him there with Jonathan and walked home with groceries uncle ray bought. Then I walked back there "waiting for my mom" was my excuse which I did for an hour and a half, they were already gone. I mean we hung out they left and I waited. Mom has no idea we got sexually flirtatious, she doesnt need to know that, but doesnt need to think she can meet him for a friend either. He could teach her a lot common sense wise but she doesnt want to learn.. SO thats her. I dont know what to do. I am scared Im going to get hurt and it is going to be bad...But he will not hurt me purposely, he is a man a protector. Everytime he touched me I was on fire where his hands were, my whole face was on fire when we were kissing.I am Carmella it is ok, Even if Raven's dead, I am alive. I am afraid though of getting my nam eon my stomach. I fear it will be a bad omen or it will be known im insane and Carmella does not exist. It will tear me apart. We are one, we cant survive without the other. What is to become of myself?DAy by day will tell me, and show me. G2G Carmella

I saw Craig at 1am he called all night but I was a sleep by 9:30 and Joshua texting me @ 12:34 woke me up. so I called Craig back. I asked him to get me a milkshake and he did, we went to IHOP for milkshakes and cheese sticks. Then he bit me on my jugular which was not okay. But we hung out he got his card (birthday 9/23) just never saw him cept oct. 17 and forgot. Its ok. He says he didnt write Iloveyou on a piece of paper, very neat in cursive and small. So he doesnt love me...I thought he wrote it, no one else has been in myhouse or room cept him and mom and sandra...that I recall. Its fine. I am unhappy right now, exhausted today, must be this crappy weather. And Im sad cuz Ambry is going with Jen to her sisters Lisas in Prov. Not me, with Jen H. who snitched on ehr, but thats fine. She decided that. Jen is her friend too. I saw Charles today the older southern ex military man from Jessis election night. I like him a lot. Ambry and Jen were like "that's jon's dad" and Jen said "omg that's jons dad do you like him" I said no I just think hes really funny...(and maxculine, and sexy voice and so southern and tattoos OOOWWW! But thats no one elses business. Hes a lot older and real close to moms age like between 40-50 ...so off that topic, I am tired...and the weather sucks and I have no friends...The house is cleaned, sandras out, mom is home with jord (stae called for a sitter for twins ha nope) She said maybe mom will watch em hung up laughing mom cant stand to seee them. Reading...is all I can do, and writing, tv dvd is broke so no OZ whci I really want to start... OW maybe I can sell Oz to the fye place, I sold it for $90 how much would they buy it for? I will figure that out soon...G2G

BARACK OBAMA IS PRESIDENT 44 of the United States, our first blacvk president...AMEN! God help him lead our country to healing. Kaitlyn is doing good seeing her mother on 4 visits per week. Damn, dont like that...But she starts daycare and got her shots and is doing great with potty training. The kids are growing fast and all these new nieces and nephew is crazy. Election day was great, saw and smoked with JOn, voted, Raven and Billy showed up and we went had a drink smoked a blunt, Sean had to go to sleep. And I ended up with big Jessi at her place until 2am, meeting her roomies and bf. It was awesome, went to bed slept most of yesturday. BIlly invited me to the bar at 7 cuz he gets paid and stuff. I got Miles wake from 4-7 on spring st and I wish to not stay there the whole 3 hours. but I got to call Raven to tell him if Billy is still on tonite, give me til 7:30-8 so I can go to the wake and get back. I have been alright, weird dreams but no nightmares where im terrified and wake screaming or scared. I stopped taking ambien cr completely now. I smoked my quarter already with ambry, and 2 separate blunts, one with sean and billy and their friend jeremy I unvited and had him roll, then smoked one with jessis and her roomies, who are so cool. THere is this oldert guy Charlie, ex military, completely southern and funnny and nice and sexy voice, but mom's age not for m,e. He got a son around my age just real quiet and dont smoke buds. I got letter from Mattew and wrote him back(send out soon but will have a longer letter eventuallly writin him everyday like joshua. A text from Craig responsding to me working love u call u soon ok...Yeah nice. I want to gotout tonite and enjoy myself but looking back at billy and i hanging it doesnt seem likely he'll remember or end up with Sean. not sweatin it, probably end bombing with her afterwards anyway. Mom is going to Stacys for the dy, cool cuz I havent cleaned the house yet. At library...G2G bus later

Halloween was alright, mom and I looked fantastic like clowns involved with the trench coat mafia (wicked clowns in black and white face make up creme) I spoke with Joshua for 20 min that night too, I was at the club, boring, gret food, 2 drinks, one beer, and there til 1am. Then at 5am a call that stacey had her baby at 4:21 am and today she stillh as no name.HAHA

Also Ambry called that night for gas to go searching for miles whod been missing 5 hours at that time. Yesturday she called to come outside at a lil after 9am, they found Miles, he had hung himself and they found his body in the woods near the tower. She has been hiding everytihng in front of everyone else. I told her you need to cry and grieve, everyone is here to support you. She is only 17 and to lose a boyfrind through suicide is very difficult and will stick with her the rest of her life. I am her support but dont know how to support her. She asked me to do her tarot reading that morning and I did. She is lost in her mind with all her emotions, pain and tears and sadness and depression. It is ugly. The whole situation. I say im sorry and sory doesnt help or heal anytihng. I cried during the nite. I called Craig, he said hes fucking miserable and he doesnt know why. That's why he hasnt called me. And he hung up with me while on the highway not wanting to crach and never called back. Then I texted Joshua, and he called from work right away and I told him just hearing his voice and feeling his presence next to me made the night better. I clung to mom and cried. I am so sad, for AMbry, for Miles and being so ignorant and selfish always sayin I want to kill myself, he didnt say a word, just took off and hung himself. His death will be in the paper but will not say suicide. It never does. Im running late with al errands today but am taking it slow. I need to go to the hospital b4 Stacy leaves with the new baby who has a name now im sure got to find out. I am trying to get through everything one lil step and second at a time. Joshua called me during work and that made me so happy. Craig is miserable. What about when I was miserable and needed him...? I am breathing. I am goign to get by. Ambry's cards told her she wanted the truth about it all, when and where and what he was thinking, all the details. They also said she would be strong and get by but it will be a long time before the healing starts. He will never be forgotten but life goes on for those still aliver here. G2G