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NO VACATION. ANGRY BOUT I DONT HAVE MY SNACKSHOP ANYMORE HOURS GIVEN AWAY. MISERY LAST 2 WEEKS HIT WALLS TODAY W/HIS NASTINESS BEFORE MY SURGERY. I CRIED. HE DIDNT CARE KEPT TAUNTING ME HARASSING MY ONLY REAL FRIEND BESIDES AMBRIE. APT HUNT TAKING TIME BUT 2 BEAUTIFUL PLACES 780/800 MONTH 3 BEDROOMS ONE OLD FASHION BIG BATH AND OTHER BEAUTIFUL PLACE. SENT JAMAL #S CALL APPOINTMENTS TO SEE TRY SATURDAY VIEWING AND ILL GO TOO. BEDREST TOMO&FRI IS ENOUGH FOR ME BEDSTUCK W/HIM&HIS CRUELTY. GOT BEAUTIFUL STATIONARY I THINK ILL WRITE TO HIM ON WHEN ITS MOVING TIME. HE WHISPERS TO ME WATCH THIS AND SAYS TO MY MOM "MA WHEN YOU LEAVE CAN YOU TAKE HER WITH YOU?" WOW!!! PLAYING NICE MAKES ME LOOK WEAK TO HIM I GUESS IM NOT BULLETPROOF JUST LEARNING ANGERMANAGEMENT. LORD THIS IS UP TO YOU. LORD THIS IS ALL IN YOUR HANDS. PLEASE ALLOW ME PEACE AND WHAT I SEEK.

So Nathan ripped the hair out of my head hitting it from the back saying "sorry forgot about your head" I have migraines and neck spinal pain and he did that. I viewed 2 apartments today. I got more already to make appointments to view. Im happy adn excited about getting my own place with Jamal. I cant let my emotions mess with my housing. So I talked with Bryan today. And Christina, Megan, Joel and others at work. But I asked Bryan if he loves me he ssaid what do you think? I said I would like a yes or a no with your sunglasses off. He said yes. He is a beautiful man but miserable with her. He made his choice to go back just like I did. He is waiting on orange ink and then he will do my tiger head on the front of my lower left arm. Its there to showoff adn cover scars from the cigarette burns I inflicted on mysel late last year. I want a house cat to represent my mommy on the right arm that too for mommy and cover scars for the lower front of right arm. I dont know what can happen. I want my own place so fast. My dad Jim called left a message he may have cancer and wants me to know he loves me. I am sure that means im not going to New Hampshire. I will live just sad and upset I have no job for a month but Nathan says dont worry Tyler will give you hours. Yea IM SO LEAVING, NO IM NOT! I said bye to Jackie today too. Told her tell everyone I love them and I will miss them and being there. Time will tell what will happen. Yes I love Bryan and we were happy but I made nathan and the kids and family illusion my choice. getting ready forr bed. Hopefully apartments come in handy this month...

NIGHT VR

So his friend Jeff stole my phone because he was "drunk trashed" his excuse. I got my phone back but MAD! He Jeff's friend, he can see me whenever he wants. WHATEVER! He knows Jim is most unlikely coming to pick me up. But he does not know I am moving out asap. YEA! He can throw me out now to hurt me and it would but temporarily. ALL ASLEEP NOW we have our beautiful twins here. I am up WAY TOO EARLY! But plans, got things to do, to getout of here in July/August. Lets me save money for security and still be able to pay regular bills like school, court & cellphone. I am good on hygiene except razors have enough bras/panties/dresses now, got my flipflops. Need girl jogging sneakers. But $$$ TIGHT because regular bills and saving for 1stmonth &security deposit. June NOT WORKING supposed to go away June 3rd & my hours already given away. Maybe if I tell Tyler Tuesday im not leaving but surgery ill be out until next Tues. DAMN DAMN DAMN! LORD give me shelter. PLEASE, a peaceful place to lay my head at night and wake in morning with my own home. I WILL BE AT PEACE WITH MY OWN HOME! I will not smoke cigarettes, I will find a non denominational church that believes the KJV and supports and preaches it and shows only LOVE to its people and our LORD GOD & JESUS CHRIST! Please Lord help me find my own home. I don't want to be here, I want to be happy. I been spending time at Janie's with baby Lena, memphis, mark(grounded pulled fire alarm, cops came to house)Janie&Ant. Ant.UGH! He gives me free weed and is a good dad. BUT doesnt account for trying to fuck with your girls sister EEWW! g2run b2bed SAD but true

The Oklahoma tornado storms hit me hard this morning, details bout 2 elementary schools collapsing and people digging others out of the rubble. HARD to inhale regardless of circumstances. Then a ww2 book review had to type got to my emotions too. thats all.

FRIDAY-I believe he turned on the cold sink h20 on purpose to burn me with hot h2o when I was in the shower cuz I believe he knew I was trying to orgasm with jet spray. I dont know but he always turns hot h20 on when he smokes in there that time he didnt. So him&Uncle Ray trash talked my mom&I when we were at a disagreement & I plugged in my headphones. FALSE ACCUSATIONS was the argument. DEJAVU! I was at Jen's with Ambrie & he says "just say your going to your cousins' whose not your cousin cuz uncle ray and your family dont know about him." Thats where it started. I didnt go out Friday night. That's what he does, his disorder, dysfunction. So he tries to pull "I wasn't telling you to leave I was giving you an ultimatum" now he probably can't define the word, he can not spell it anyway. So Im sure Uncle Ray gave him the idea but unknowingly "ultimatums" only Uncle Ray can use against me still does but because I love him so much Uncle Ray gets his way. BUT I was good and sad and played my music. Computer was shot but today MIchael fixed it (our neighbor&gay friend) Saturday I went to Ambries from 1:20-4:30 and watched most of the movie, hilarious comedy "Turning 40." Came home. Sunday got high, had bud, skipped church, stayed in & slept most of the day. Monday work, nightmares through the night last night too. Killing me to get up in morning Today 9-1 dragged. Home now computer works g2save this mom coming. Now broke no boges, bud and he whispering about something on phone with Jeff. Whatever. Today is Tuesday. LOng slow day.

MEMORIES HAUNT ME WITH PLEASURE AND PAIN! I MISS MICHAEL! MICHAEL IS NOT AND WILL NOT BE MY OWN EVER!!! I WILL SURVIVE! NEW HAMPSHIRE IN PLAN NOW WITH WORK AND PROBATION! BUT MAINE MOUNTAINS ARE IN THE VISIT WITH SIDE TRIPS TO INDIANA! IM BEING BAD BUT GOING TO BE SAFE AND HAVE FUN!!! WORK GREAT! LIFE LAME! I CAN NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH MICHAEL! WHATS WORSE IS HE IS THE MAN THAT MOLESTED ME 14 YEARS AGO AND NOW I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH HIM! I AM SICK! SO IS HE! BUT NOW MY BODY CALLS TO HIM AND MY HEART IS OPENING FOR HIM AND THAT CAN NOT BE SO! I MISS MY KIDS WHEN THEY ARE NOt HERE! HARDLY!!! VACATION IM GOING SOMEWHERE IN JUNE BEAUTIFUL PEACEFUL PLACE!

GOODNIGHT VR

Friday, worked and had plans with all the kids. But my plans were different. Friday I went with Michael and had an amazing time. He leaves tomorrow, flight at 3pm. We went to hotel smoked and had amazing sex, he went down on me for awhile and I had so many orgasms. It was amazing. We ate at the Olive Garden for lunch and went shopping at walmart in fall river. I got shoes, bras, panties, dresses, top, capri pants, leggings, a purse, hygiene travel size. W e didnt eat dinner we didnt leave the bed again. We were up all Friday night and Saturday morning. Then breakfast my house shopping with my money and Friendlys for lunch then came home...I also got luggage bags and case. g2g]

Janies cookout today was great had all my kids twins oldest and youngest nieces and nephews and lil cousins. and sisters mom uncle tom aunt jane older cousins together. cant have him reading this



MEMORIES FOREVER

I am supposed to meet with my Michael Friday for the weekend. PROBLEM: NO ALIBI WITH HOME DUDE AND MY OLDEST DAUGHTER MAYBE ALL MY KIDS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE THIS WEEKEND TOO! Michael & I have had this planned since we got notice of his New England Meeting. DAMN!!! My sister, the oldest, Janie, is now back to being a complete dumb drunk & it makes it easier for her man to try and sleep with me VOMIT! And they just had a baby Feb.12th. Sad he started it when she was already late in her pregnancy. He said at one time dont tell your sister, I said sad thing is even if I did tell her I would lose my nephews &baby niece she wouldnt leave him. I alwaysjust leave cuz she wouldnt be there at the hosue obviously when he would make passes. GROSS!!! So only my love Gary at work knows outside of here. SAD SICK TRUE! Michael sad sick truth is the man who molested me at 11/12 and tries to tell me his own story, and how his wife was jealous of me, a child...I had dark plots against him now I dont got a F***in Clue what im doing. Worked all day but not feeling well. Allergy attacks, nausea- close to vomit but not, eyes, nose, throat etc. WHAT THE HELL~SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP! Bryan where is he? Back ground dust even though the heart beats at sight of him, he is a lie, a joke, a love that was one sided. Oh let's get down too, Indiana is being planned for June when im supposed to go to New Hampshire, side Dutch trip. I got a 21yearold that clears my emotional pain by holding me and comforting me. God knows what my homedude Nathan would do with this info. Kill me or himself or us both or tell any1 who will listen whats here but would have to prove any of it. CRAZY! I told em all I was a looney. And how looney am I? How damaged dirty do things have to get to wake me up>??? LORD ALL IS IN YOUR HANDS!!! I LOVE YOU LORD I AM A MESS!