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Nightmares get worse for me...I must smoke bud before I go to sleep is the only way I have found to sleep peacefully or weird dreams...4 days without Craig but finally got through to him and we are fine...I am really paranoid about Craig & I especially since some nightmares revolve around him...I talked to Bobby today for a few hours, and I am happy about it. Hoping to watch RAW tomorrow night with him at uncle ray's but am sleeping at Craigs. He told me call him at 6 tonite then said tomorrow at 1pm. I am hoping tomorrow. I want to have sex all day like in the beginning. But the beginning is over, things will never be the same. I will live. I am alive now. I can make it. I hope I will make it. I want to see Bobby one more time. Then I want to spend the rest of my life with Craig. Whatever happens, happens. I am lonely, depressed, anxiety is building very high and very fast. I feel I am losing control over my own mind. But how can that be??? I am myself, I control me, RIGHT? I mean sometimes pot and nicotine controls me, but just sometimes... What is wrong with me???

G2G

Its been a while. A lot has gone on. Bobby just got out of jail and wrote me on myspace once. Craig and I almost split, I cursed him out, but it put all our cards on the table, we are together, and last Wednesday nite I was in Heaven. He gave me a back rub for hours and we talked about everything. Cursing at him made him open and communicate with me, and then he yelled at me to communicate back. I just need him sometimes. I quit smoking cigarettes & want a baby now more, but have to give it time to give our baby everything we never had. I love him so much, and Ihave been going crazy. My nightmares have been getting worse like stabbing myself in the stomach after choking this bitch sleeping with Craig in my nightmare. Awful. School has been slow, no more friends, big decison on moving to fall river with stace or not. Craig said itd be good just make good friends not loser friends. He doesnt call me back & his cells off again. I need him now. I need him tonite. The nightmares make me want him badly. ANd I brought a new shirt & thong for him, stace gave me a nice pair of black pants to wear too. SO itd be nice. Uncle Ray thinks we broke up, I lied to him. His bday is this week, the 22nd, so bday shopping. Pat is still paying my bills, and still scares me. Happy St.Patrick's Day, though im sober today. G2G get milk. JENNIFER & CRYSTAL CALL ME ASAP!!! Saw Jesse , her baby due next week, baby girl. It kills me, because I want a child. I will make it. In TIme. ILOVECRAIG though. I know he loves me too but my nightmares tell me other wise...SCARY! Matt & I have been in tight touch too, 2009 is getting closer, his release. LIFE SUCKS!!!