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So Billy blew me off to go with Sean to take a blood test in Mass, so we fought, becasue I was at Dunkin Donuts from 9:20 til 9:55 then Stop&Shop from 10-10:25 then back there at 11 til 1:20 which we argued that whole timw, then he split up with me and was mean about it too. So after I left him I called Craig to com edown (so I could release all my tension) and he came and I relaesed it all in great sex and so I am fine, screw Billy and I am happy with life. Um, g2g study and stuff, no friends, Craig is a great relief. Studying going good 85 on second exam... I am okay, I am strong, I am happy I am strong...

BLESSED BE

Well I saw craig two days ago and we had great sex and took a shower together then he left. Billy and I are dating I guess, so he told Cris and Sean. THen he tells me I am moving in with hall of them. I said no im not like 20 X and mom agreed, she sadi I am being smart and good at denying the request. I tihnk about it and I can lower their rent being on SSI and I would live with Billy, but we have known eachother a month and some days, thats too quick. Mom and I also agree living with Sean and Cris would be a bad idea for me, she said Billy doesnt know how I can react, and that is true, Billy also doesnt know how Sea really is. Sean and him are going to PA to pick up Cris' stuff together on July 12 and im sad about it. His bday is the 14 and I want to spend it with him, but doubting its going to happen. POSITIVE! Be Positive (telling my sel;f) WE are all at the library now. I got my english 4 and took my first exam today, Billy works nights and I made it 6-9 I do my studies, hoping to remain motivated. I got an 85 on my first exam, but its good, not good enough to me but better than a lower grade. Craig is so hot and irresistible, mom said it (the irresistible part) and I totally agree. and Billy and I havent had sex yet and im proud of myself. I am so scared of the world right now, it looks like we are hitting a depression and its going to be ugly especially for us lower income people...But good and bad news covered, G2G Carmella.

So another day has gone by, missed NCMHC apt late though and she left early for another apt, Craig emailed me twice (he wants to have sex) I do too but I want to marry Billy. Bob and Kayla were across the street laughing but didnt look at me, could care less I was singing and smiling walking my own way. I am happy with my life, he can be happy with his life too. I hace to go home, Sandra's locked out and I need min for my phone and my moms. Got a bank acct at Bankof Newport got to deposit $25 though which I dont have...I can be faithful but Craig and I are not oficially over and Billy and I are engaged... Bob An K are supposed to be but marriage never happened...IDC I am so happy. They went to Taco Bell, I am at the library. Um, early morn, 6:20 and did everything back to sleep at 9:40 up at 11:10 then to uncle rays to drop off fathers day stuff and to bank now here. G2G but I got to go see Billy at work on break and study...LATER

so I soent most of the day with billy or on the bus. We got engaged yesturday. Ok so he showed up last night about a warrant very upset. We got engaged, when I havent ended it with Craig. We havent slept together yet, I told him on our wedding day. HE is spending tomorrow night with me and maybe Saturday night. I told Cassandra we were engaged, made up with ambrry who got mad at me agian but shell get over it, no big deal (pot problem big deal for her) and I told her alla bout him showing up and the proposal but didnt takl about how we were engaged. I was on the bus with mom when I seen him then I figured he was oin break but he was waiting for the bank to opn so I stayed with him from 10-12 til he went to work then I went back at 4 for his break. i went to Janies looking for mom earlier who wants me to take her words and make a poem with them for her to win some prizew money. Not nice, when shes so selfish but also scared im going to do it and win,. Well I can make a poem for her and send my own too. I need to work on hers though, she wrote stuff I need to fix it and add to it. Well I got engaged, I think we re both crazy and its a joke. He is too much like Sean now, engaged after a month of knowing eachother, and I dont believe its going to happen. I tihnk I am good keeping my guard up and not being thrilled, but it could be dangerous for me if I believed him. He is waiting for me to trsut and belivev, but I cant, hes Seans best friend you know, it seems like a perfect setup by rthem for a heeartbreak. and Billy says he dont lie and who doesnt lie? He hasnt been caught lyin gto me. But he is honest and open and positive, no drama gossip or chaos, control, with his hands like dragging me around town (I love it though, I feel loved) and we are out in public Something Craig and I dont do never did out here. I just think im nuts thinking about marrying him but we will see, I also dont agree with how he wants to raise our kids and live life and get married...But he doesnt seem to take any of it seriopusly, G2G back to BArnes & Noble for Alexander's graduation gifts a few new thick books. LATER

So I got an offer for Best Poet of 2008 and 2 poems scheduled to be in Immortal Verses poetry book. I am thrilled, but I need to buy the book and plaque and that must wait until July. I hope I can wait that long, ans it goes through then. I am happy my poetry has been entitled for these awards (awards and treasures to me) Um, I went home after Uncle Rays for a few hours, started reading at 9 (the host by stephenie meyers) til 11 then I read things I prinnted offline yesturday. I am struck by confusion and thrill seeing in my mind Billy and I still being handfested with raven there and Im sure his love Lucreshia. My tarot has worried me also. New beginnings and tihn ending, losses, and the High Priestess and Tower in both reads. I must take it all day by day, be careful with all decisions for my own safety and my loved ones close by. What else to do? I wanted to apply for a part time job at a liq store in Portsmouth. Havnet done it yet. I need to open a new checkings acct at a new bank, hoping tomorrow. I will choose mom's bank cuz one's right down West Main not far from my house, and I need a new debit card from that bank. SUCKS. I loved Citizens, now I think its not nice they wouldnt look at the papers from online that it was a job fraud not my fault. Damn that fraud dep. it wasnt my fault. Yes it was, my stupidity to cash it, and not get rid of it when the other bank said somethings wrong with it. DAMN ME! I am okay though. Happy I got time with Uncle Ray (house is nasty hot, I believe Casper will die shortly from all wrong with him including suffocation or heat stroke. Fat Midnight sleeps on bathroom floor and goes in tub, poor Casper is so sick. I need to think positive. So I got an email from my psychic Sarah freder online that im in for a lot of money and carzy good stuff Friday 13th (the only Fri. 13 this year 08) and I didnt believe her. I can not read her personal clairvoyance reading cuz I must pay and at this time I cant. So I wait for Friday to see what happens.Think Positive. Jordyn said Billy is going to come back around. She wrote I love you Billy on the driveway in chalk I wrote I miss my lovebug. She tried to text Josjua from my old phone I love you Joshu. Im glad he didnt get it. no craig, no response online, you cant email me, asshole but can get mad I wont call you form a payphone. Whatever. Jordyn says leave Craig too. Shes almost 7 but she has some psychic abilities since she was little. Brilliant girl. She ges to VA next tues fro two weeks, Mom is not going to take it well, but im nervous bout her going so far away, but she;; be safe with her Aunt Allison. I know that. So I give it to Apollo adn Diana to watch over them as they travel. Thats all. I may go to Micheles today though im not trying to see Ambry or her with her "friends". LATER

So I hung out with Ambry's sister Michele and her baby girl Ali yesturday all day. Ambry just dissed me for Jen (girl who went to the ACI getting caught stealing perfume from Marshalls) I was sad but Michele and I chatted and it was cool. I offered Michele and Ali the pool but they weeren't home which is ok cuz now im at the library studying and bank and pick up my pills. I might go to Uncles too. I saw Billy and blew him a kiss, he bowed blowing one back which made me happy. Seans mom went to my house looking for Billy yesturday, and my mom was like shes nuts 90 degrees looking for him when hes not her son. Whatever. And then Sean drove by with him and he screamed BYEBYE. Split personality. I think they went to middletown s&s laundrymat to do laundry. I told him I missed him, didnt hear his reply with my headphones on and walked away. But I just emailed Craig I miss him too. I love Billy cuz though he wants me as a GF and in bed he respects making him wait (I believe) and Craig whispers ILY and then my clothes come off. Like I know he doesnt love me but Id rather just sleep with him and prove to myself im not 16 anymore I can be faithful and respect myself. I am proud of denying him. Billy had to wait for a lip kiss, the first was an accident by Jordyns distraction then that never stopped, not a bad french kisser either. I miss him, just want to watcha movie and laydown on his chest. Craig would put my head on his chest when we were driving, and put his head on my chest after we has had sex. I am alone again. Im not cool with ambry blowing me off for Jen. But she makes her own decisions so I must make mine to keep busy. Nightmares again but I forget them im happy about. I only owe $149 to school after $889 beginning. I am thrilled and ,y English will be here in 3-4 wks. I dont know what else to say. Oh, that job online screwed me and closed my bank accts, I got to argue with them showing Powells working papers and explaining im nieve and need this acct, its most beneficial and I had my first acct here since I was 16. Adn I got to go pick up my meds so I am going to study here b4 I do all that. LATER

Carmella

A hot weekend up tp 90 in RI got a nice family sized air pool $20 @ Stop&Shop here, last one too. I got the freezer full. Havent talked to Craig, got my check on the third, school, cell, electric took check. But happy school will return and book sin about 4 weeks. Um, Ambry hanging with her is it, with stacey now went shopping. OMG AMbry's friend got caught stealin at marshalls yesturday with us and ambry's older sisters, embaressing and humiliating and etc, she went to aci yesturday, SUX, she got a job and a kid too. That said stop or it will be you!!! O yeah so im stopping taking one step at a time not to steal. I drink sometimes smoke lots of bud and stogs when I smoke. Thats it. Going to pool...LATER CARMELLA

So Ambry got her liscense today. I did the same shit todya. I types and printed out my 4-5 new poems, 2 dedicated to Anthony and Topaz. Topaz overdosed suicide when her husband's (accidental drug overdose) family told her, his death was her fault, and she was not allowed at his funeral. I knew she was goingto do it, Anthony and her were husband and wife, best friends, and soulmates. How sad they are gone but they are resting in peace together. Uh, Cezar called me, I texted him my new number yesturday. Skye went to NY a few days ago with out me I was mad. but I got over it, whatever. I am getting my liscense and car soon, & I have money to take the bus up there. Got ot study here (psychology and wicca) LATER

So I got drunk off one drink of Bacardi gold and twister and Ambry walked me home. My good friend. I went and got Ali, Ambry's sister Michele's daughter, Pampers diapers and wipes, cat food and a Johnson and Johnson kit (2- one for Uncle Ray's house cleaner Sonya) Michele was happy & her and Ambry gave me hugs. I was so happy. Smoked mad weed at Ambry's its a compromising friendship (not compromising-we help eachother like Uncle Ray and I do) So I called Craig Saturday night I think-maybe friday night-but we chatted, I told her a little about Billy and Sean, not serious truth that could get me in trouble or heartbroken, but he was mad, like you couldnt find tmie to call me from a phone but time to hang out with another f**king dude- You know Craig, the whole lets get serious and cut off all your guy friends-haha-I didnt but hey he doesnt know that. No Billy I guess he is gone but I am over it and love Ambry. I just got done getting info for Cassandra's report and Im off. CARMELLA