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So I am miserable. And Craig is not there, no one is. The only thing comforting is Matt's letters from Allenwood Federal Prison in PA. 6 more months before he comes home, he is my best friend, more like my brother (and not available for me ever in a relationship) I love his letters, and we write like 2-12 page letters to each other (his are like 2-10 mine are 10-more) I dedicated Bon Jovi's song "I AM" to him and recently mailed it. I need someone, I feel alone and helpless and depressed and miserable. I got to see Nikki tomo, but tomo is payday and im going to an overnight party for the release of Breaking Dawn with Sandra so tomo shouls be good, and our house is being bombed to get rid of fleas (cats) and cats are getting medicine that finally works (paid for lots that didnt do any help, waste of money) But home should be better starting tomo, laundry getting all done, fod shopping, school being paid (all bills being paid) and minutes for my cell etc. But my brain is a mess and I cant stop beign depressed, I am so buying buds tomorrow. Definitely and my own stoges and a $3 bottle of Smirnoff and going to B&N for that party. LATER CARMELLA

So Thurday night I saw Craig from 12 to 3am and i was so happy. We had great sex, and talked about everything. WE talked about politics, jail, jail asylum, presidents, government, war, Afghanastan, Iraq, everything. He says he wants his own kids someday, I do too, I asked him if we are going to get married someday, I tihnk his response was I dont know shrug of shoulders. He was drunk and left two nasty hickies on my collar bone. But he laid on my lap for hours and I loved it. I wore a silky black thong and a black tank top with fish net in front so you could see my boobs and tummy. I love him. Crystal finally got hold of me and said sometihng about the kids with their dads but im confused cuz I know she couldnt have lost them. No more ambry, just sticking to stac and ske so im not alone. Im so scared to be alone again and hate being home cuz of a flea issue we are trying to get rid of. I need a friend. I told Crystal now IC na come out there, need to travel, she should need me or a friend and etc. G2G notihng else new LATER

So Ambry and I are not chilling cuz I gave her mom some vics to help her sleep so she blazed with me and Ambry threw a huge fit. Michele told me to leave (ambry started screaming cuz her folks wouldnt smoke with her cuz of how she was acting) I kept apologizing, I see her driving but she drives by, whatever. I mean she knows she was my only friend but that doesnt mean she can take advantage of it either. She's supposed to be my friend, obviously not if a blunt is a get the fuck out of my house and dont come back attitude. I am sad and angry. I mean I wouldnt care if I left and she was bombing with my sister ort something. She left, they bombed, I was invited, and I was wrong to say ok. She's 17 and I have to kepp reminding myself that because I am more mature and she loves bud. I can keep things in my head I need for later of importance, teens cant do that. I can do weird things with my thinking process (not magick, I wish, and try to learn) Ambry hangs out with her sister Andrea most of the time, ok. SHe has friends too and friends with money (I only got money on the first,second, and rarely the 3rd of the month, (so I look pretty incon-venient with gas money, bud money and stogs you know) I shared everything I ever got with her (money, stogs, buds, liq, cat food, pizza rolls, everything-and she says get lost when I hit a blunt without her present or permission) This is ridiculous. I am so fuckign lonely, she knows and shes happy and waiting fo rme to vome back ans suck up (with sometihng else of benefit for her, forgiveness isnt free, msut bring bribes) I went to Susans house Saturday night for dinner, Stac and Jord used the pool, I went on myspace, Raven had the nerve to message me asking when I got a computer, then ignored me after he asked. JERK! I am so sick of being broke and lonely. Aug first is in a week, YEAH! I get to get buds, stogs, liq, mail out money orders, $50-electric, $50-heating, cool! School-$130, coins-$22, immortal verses-$55(poetry book im published in with Joshua's dedication) SO Im looking good this month, as long as I got money in deposit and bills are paid, im good. Mom said Ambry will come by friday, but she wont, she could care less if she has my moeny to play with, she is happy anyway knowing im miserable and alone. I have to learn to be alone in this world, I can only depend on myself, but I have to do it ony my own in my own world, living alone, and thats not here yet (my own place) Its only Monday, next friday is payday. I need a job. I do. I need to call some numbers, visit a few places. That is my weekend. Hung with Stacey and bombed and chilled with her. LATER



ILOVECRAIG STILL-not seen since 7/04

not heard from since 7/11

So nothing new, just sticking to daily schedule, and hanging with Ambry. I studied last night, finished chapt 7 in Bio Psych and happy about that. I got to do chapt 8 vocabs tonite before Big Bro tonight. Its a reality show my mom and I watch together, and they gave us a special summer season. So Janie is a mess. Kelsey didnt come home last night, and she wenrt into the hosp with pains and he's gone, ans they just a had a baby Friday night, LOSER! It might not be his but he didn care for her or treat her right anyway. So I tihnk its ok if we cheat once when they go to jail when they cheated on us LOTS while they were out and disrespected her all the tiem. Cnt get int o that drama. No Craig for a lil while, no surprise, but lonely. matt has been keeping in touch (my sisters ex, and niece's fathers ex BFF ) but we got along great and are close friends since he went to jail. He gets out in FEB09. He wants me to look for an apt but it will be taken in 7 months anyway so it will wait til Dec Jan I will look at that. I miss Joshua so much, and Ernie, I want Ernie to come home (overseas) havent seen him since OCt 2005. AWHILE. So studies, housecleaning, clearing court, smoking with ambry, and thats about it. But it tkes all day to do everytihng. Court should be over tomo, all misdemeanors, alot of court fees and probation again with officer, got to pa yCOrt as soon as my retro is available. $1500 of $2000 goes to Cort, with first check, other 500 goes to bills of course (got to pay off credit cards) need my credit to be better. Need an apt asap. The heights is convenient, and inside is nice, washer/dryer/dishwasher/cheap rent etc but electric and heat need to be paid for along with cell phone, housephone, internet, cable etc I need to pay for food, dont get food stamps on SSI (itd be like $10 anyway) LOST IN MENTAL STATE! I talk to Uncle Ray everyday, and Casper has been sick, but he took him to the vet wednesday and is on meds, and had shots so he should get better. But I tihnk hes starving, and Midnight is eating all the food, snd uncle wont put them in separate places or separate dishes to eat.

Jail 4 nights 5 days shoplifting $341 in shaws supplies (lot of all stuff) NOT GUILTY but with violation of probation and personal recognznce I had to go to jail. I got $8000 surety but my fam didint have much luck with $825 I didnt get through to bailbonsmen til Thursday so friday nite about 8pm I went outside to my mommy and stacy. I was traumatized from isolation, firstnight and lastnight in a room all alone, a white room with a toilet and a mat, and a metal door. HORRIFIED! I am so claustrophobic now no bedroom closed, showers must be cool (jail onlty had hot water in showers) nasty lil necessities (toothbrush, comb, deodarent, shamp, soap, and one plastic spork that had to last your time there or eat with your hands, or dont eat at all. Craig doesnt know, and he should right? 21 months together and he has no idea what goes on when hes not around. We last saw eachother an the 4th of July, he didnt try to contact me through the week I was locked up, and I called him when I got out and it was "hi how are you, im working, off monday" I am not sure how to handle our relaionship anymore. I think the distance helps me not to want him all the time, but then he was not liking my distance after we had sex the 4th of july. His fault, or his jobs, but he doesnt want to hear me, its HUH when I want to talk about stuff, but I just listen to his job sucks, sisters sa cunt, dads doing this anmd that, moms not liking it, struggling with bills, HUH is me now, all alone, and where is my man of 21 months??? Not around, once every 2-3 weeks hes a parttime sex friend. Thats it. I think he says I love you cuz I want to hear it, it took him long enough to say it first but it made me so happy, he texted it and said it in person on the phone in bed, talked about going out again, I want too, to 99 for a few martinis tonight, you never know but I doubt we are going anywhere tonight, except maybe my bedroom. He doenst know what I do when hes not around, does he wonder, does he care? I wonder. So I had a seizure tuesday nite in jail too, banged my head on metal bunkbed bar and then the floor on the other side. Transported to RI hospital and woke up dizzy in the ambulance. I didint know what day it was or anything. I was in cuffs the whole time wrists&ankles. sucked. But I got the AC from the hospital, ice cold water, and a ice cold gingerale (disgusting coolaid in jail with disgusting food, and a milk carton in the morn with nasty juiceaid and coffee(didint drink) and coolaid aloe at lunch, one milk alone at dinner. Nothin to eat from 4:30pm to 7am next day. Clothes were horrible, ugly, large and sweaty. Last night in ISO I was nude with two rugs (called lead blackets) for pillow and one to wrap up in. .I was always hot cept middle of night freezing. I am not committing any other crime again. So I cant carry buds with me ever. for my own sanity and freedom. Ambry knows, and my family, and her family. I dont care what anyone says about me, they will not say it to my face. I miss craig, I want a martini and buds but you dont get what you want when you want it, I dont. I know should he come tonight it will be sex and bye, thats all. I dont freak all sexually now for him and he doesnt like it, TOO BAD I odnt like haveing a man who is there once in a moon phase, almost twice a month, or every month and a half. Jennifer knows too. I called her when I got out. I learned. I am barred from shaws, dont care either. So thats how ive been, I got my coin collection in today, I ordered awhile ago and forgot about it, im happy about it too. its money but I wont spend it, the state quarter collection, some different lookin nickels and a half dollar coin (rare) COOL! Stacy Janie and Aunt Jane helped bail me out with Frank Castelli, the bionsmen I love him, he's my hero. I also may have a lawsuit againgst the sherriffs dep for telling my uncle "I forgot to transfer her meds to the ACI" but Cort will decide on that onwe, and he snot happy he wants his money, ive not gotten my retro yet though and he probably thinks otherwise. WHATEVER. You get it when I get it DUH! I will pay him he deserves it, but he didnt call my mom back or care I had a seizure there, mom was not happy. so im home, focusing ion court tomo, school, and my homw, and my kids. MEMPHIS CASH KELSEY was born on July 11th @ 9:32pm by my sister Janie ann Baker, and her boyfriend, Ronald Kelsey. Beautiful baby boy, dramam there, he saying its too white and counting the days from his release from jail and her pg, but he signed the birth cert and holds it and says donmt kiss him and shit. LOSER! Stac threw out Steve for talking to some whore (her old frined) secretly trying to sleep together, she was mad he lied, she dont care she knows he is a whore anyway. Mom is her normal messy self, sleeps in living room, hewr room is disgusting and I ddont want to take it. Sandras attitude and $45 stolen from rent envelope (was 90) in my Wiccan book, sandra only suspect. OOOHHHH! I want to scream and I will jsut give myself a migraine. SO LATER IM GOOD IN OUT IN OUT BREATHING I am taking care of me now with no theft, or help, not easy man. LATER

I smoked, drank adn ate at Ambrys, it was fun, then Craig cam eover til 1am and we talked and relaxed and he talked about living me and dinner and being close again. I love him, but I done believe him. English 4 finished, got to pay $130 next month for my next shipment and then they will come without delay for now on. COOL! Life is the same, clean, meds, shower, meditate, smoke , etc. GREAT FOURTH OF JULY



GOD WATCH OUR SOLDIERS

So a lot has happened sincve that fight with Billy like 2 weeks ago. I started getting migraines and had to go the ER, and got meds, but vicodin does not work. I got a new doctor, very nice, and pretty. I received my latest depo there and migraine meds to try out. It was a long weekend. Friday night I went drinking at my family hang out (all vets club) with my mom(hawaian party) awesome martinis I had 5. Saturday morn, Stace mom and I went yardsaling, we got furniture and I got a water fountail (great when meditating) I did stuff with stace yesturdya, and studies last night. I am happy bout my english goin gby fast. I need to pay off the full $130 to get my next subject whicvh is ccol , from $889 to $130, awesome. Migraines are horrible. Billy never came back (only been a week) and I give him 3 weeks. Craig and I saw eachothe rlast thursday after billy told me to get lost, and came back friday day (i was so happy) I talked to Jennifer on my cell at the hawaian party too for like an hour. Life has been up and down. I had 5 differetn nightmares last night I remember. I woke up at 4am and was cold so wnet on the couch. I got this cool ortho pedic back pillow, its awesome. g2g caught up on what I can remember...

And John Cena lost his match at the Night of Champs, Tripl eH took the WWE belt to smackdown. CMPUNK took the world heavy weight to Raw and Mark Henry (loser) took the ECW belt. Hot changes,and sad drafts. thats it.

CARMELLA