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I am hoping to be able to pay off school asap, and be more in my studies than smoking weed. Its not easy. My depression has been getting worse, passing out early from exhaustion due to insomnia then being awake all hours of the early morning, up at 7-8am everyday. SSI should be here soon, which will make life a lot easier. Women&Infants can no longer see me. @ missing prescriptions, one ended up at walmart pharmacy for percocet, totally uncool. Court thursday, got to call and remind my lawyer to show up. Judge was mad he didnt show at my arraignment. I miss Cezar. Hes so faraway. I went to ny sunday and saw him for a few hours, we bombed and watched a movie. I was sad to leave him there. He acts like he loves me. Hes just broke right now ad doesnt want me to see him struggling at home. I understand that. I used to understand Craig working all the time, trying to help out his family etc. I dont anymore. I see him as a great man who doesnt have a lady on his priorities. Craig shows hes happy to have sex with me. Thats it. Though I love him and see him as the man of my future, he shows he doesnt feel that way, I see he feels that we can have sex while I wonder about his true feelings for me. I saw him saturday and gave him valentine gifts. it doesnt bother me I didnt get nething, used to it, since christmas 06 when he first left me the first time. I am angry he leaves me every year through the holidays, because I dont why and it hurts, to be alone through the holidays and my birthday. Well life goes on. He needs to decide to make me a part of his life, or leave me out of it. I cant handle the confusion and pain anymore. I let him go like he asked, who id he to come back and be like "I missed you, lets have sex." Its one way or the other. I have been compromising myself, my feelings, my life, this whole relationship. WHeres his part? I gave him space, let him go, stopped calling & showing up like he asked(or told me too) an now its sex when he can put it in his schedule. I am doing it one way or the other. Either he's my man or he's gone. I love him, but I sont believe he loves me. WHen he says he loves me I believe it, the way he says it. But now its like only when I tell him too during sex. He doesnt say anyother time. I am so sick mentally and physically with life right now. I need a shoulder to cry on. Craigs not there when I need him so now its be there when I need u or dont be there at all, dont expect me to sleep with you either. I miss my schoolwork so much. I cant have any friends, they get me in big trouble. I want to move to New YOrk when my SSI gets here. I know Cezar would help me find a place, job, and move in to help pay the bills. I need to move to Ohio to protect Crystal from creeps, and myself from myself. I love her, she is a woman, and I cant wait to meet her and the kids in person. I could see Jennifer too who lives not far from Crystal. cOOL? LIFE IS SO DEPRESSING RIGHT NOW. I just want some love, to be held, and kissed etc

So I am facing felony charges being set up by a "friend" to cash his parents stolen checks, $3200 check fraud, not good on differed sentence and same amount involved with friend... Doesnt look good, but got Chappelle to help again. Cezar is still my new york love, and Craig just came back last thursday nite, so relationships normal, alone, phone seconds or a night of love and sex til a week or two later. When I am lonely, I am alone, funny? So I am starting psychology study with school on hold ti lI can pay my bill. I am hoping to go to NY tomorr but Cezar has to work and make money and then send it to me, and I am doubting it, just sadi if you really miss me you can make it happen so try and make it happen. He said he will. I miss him a lot. I am lonely and depressed again. I have mentally and physically sick with the court problems, maybe emy lamictal is involved along with the flu going around again. I am also being removed from Women&Infants Clinic due to a forged percocet prescription brought to walmart with my name on it. I need to get medical and a new doctor who can handle my internal problems and shots and vaccines. I am sort of lost. I got Uncle Ray a cup the size of a bowl with a lil teddy inside, he loved it, mom a lil bear with a huge hersheys bar and a lil heart of my fav. ferraro choc. I got a huge bear with raspberry creme sticks, a lil heart of ferraros from mommy, and a lil teddy balloon, and bag of heart loolis from this guy mikey who I dont like at all and i wanted to torch all his gifts but just ave em to my lil sister. Bud makes me feel better as usual. Daw Dr. Klein today and now have a case manager who will be seeing me soon with mental health. Jordyn is getting huge, so is Sandra, Marky and the twins. I hang with Skye a lot and we help eachother out. So this is my February update not including my tarot readings for myself and others, starting to study tarot and back to my Wiccan studies. LATER



Happy Birthday Roberta Mcbride, my nana, and Johnny Buddlong my once best friend's stepfather...

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY