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My head hurts, my mind is spinning. Bryan&I have a deep spiritual connection no one will ever comprehend unless they are willing to open their minds to certain beliefs...Jekyl&Hyde every day every time we are home alone at least once a day, but home often its every five minutes, leave, whatever its your choice, oh I will kill myself if you leave oh youll rip kids hearts out like their mothers' did if I leave...How do I stay if I do not love him? I have not ever been in love with Nathan, I have lied to myself sometimes but other times I know deep inside its the truth. I spent the night at Uncle Rays with Bryan, he did my cards. I asked show me the next six months, Change, Transformation, lovers, satisfaction, pleasure, universe, so much positive&negative, unity between male&female or masculine&feminine, I can reach my goals as long as I face & handle my situations (not give up in trial & tribulation) there will always be trials to go through but as long as I fight it I will survive it. I slept at Bryan's Sunday night, to make Nathan feel his medicine of trying to throw me out. He believes I slept at Cats. What a night. Bryan lied to me and his dad about his dad knowing I was sleeping there. Life goes on. He was planning on kicking Bryan out once off home confinement, supposed to be Dec. 26th but turned out Monday it was removed. I dont know if I already put that Nathan called police on me, so I called them too and then got back in to the building. He cracked. I did too but to survive. All day I called today (4x maybe) to say who do I love? he replies me, who's me? Nathan Aaron Sibya. I lie over and over to survive. How do I actually leave him? Leave our kids? Live anew? New year, new start, so many decisions that have to be made for better or for worse is the world, reality, not just marriage,for Life. LORD HELP ME! I NEED YOUR GUIDANCE! Does the Lord exist or does our faith in the Lord make HIM a reality to those who believe? Religious confusion used to make me suicidal now its just a headache. I havent spoke to Michael, I forgot to try calling him today due to Bryan's life struggles. He had Christina admitted to 8th floor today, she tried to walk into traffic to kill herself. Everyone saw how she treats him loud clear mean nasty drug addicted. He says he fell out of love with her a long time ago but stayed for Akasha their 18 month old daughter (I mistakenly thought she was 8 years old) I cant take his problems on. He lost his son only 2 years ago at 10, he died. I dont know how he survived it but he did, lost a 10 month old son too. I cant think of kids' deaths especially after the children killed at SandyHook Elementary school in Connecticut, A 6 year old lost her twin down the hallway. One lil girl survived playing dead laying in her friends blood around her. Anyway, I need strength LORD, I call to YOU, I believe in YOU, yes I sin, the same sins still but I BELIEVE so GUIDE ME, STRENGTHEN ME, SHOW ME YOUR LOVE LORD GOD, JESUS, I NEED YOU NOW

the twins asked where I was and I am sad becuz I love them so much, how do I walk away from them? they see how we treat eachother and fight, argue, how he gave me a black eye how I have hit him before, how nasty we can be and are right in front of them. LORD TAKE CARE OF KIT, HEAL HER WELL, WE LOVE HER & WANT HER BACK SAFE ASN HEALTHY.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR MY MOTHER, SISTERS, MY KIDS, NIECES, NEPHEWS, UNCLE RAY, UNCLE TOM, AUNTY JANE, ALL MY AUNTS, UNCLES, COUSINS, NATHAN and how he provides my home from his heart, how he feeds me every night, and takes care of me how I should take care of him. I made Nathan open his snoopy (both snoopy gifts but the big stuffy Natalie picked out for him first) so I could see him open them. I was thinking of packing everything tomorrow but no residence up I can go no where. I have such love for Nathan sometimes but we do not belong together. Its late, I have taken my meds and we both got be up for work in morn. He going to dentist tomo after med pick up after work. ER tooth pain. I need to save $$$ to repair my teeth. I need to exercise, I need to eat portions and go under 200lbs, maybe to 160-180lbs but under 200 to start, im 216 now if not a few less. GoodNight VR

So Friday Night, Jekyl&Hyde we did laundry all day Saturday at Uncle Rays then when we got home, he called "Bree in hospital, may have a blood clot in her arm" admitted again, and she has the blood clot plus lots more wrong with her. Missed Michael most weekend. I stayed with Chris all night, no sleep, 2 hours in morning, 2 hours at noon. Just got on to see mail from Michael. Nathan accuses me of cheating with chris' friends. I was so tight and closed when he tried to play with me with his fingers, he had no right. Then on the phone with my friend Bryan who will be doing my tattoos he got on top of me tried to suck my face and say give him pussy (Nathan dont talk to me like that and I dont like sex(with him) or making love worded that way.) He did it on purpose to show we were together and happy. He was trying to give his mind some persuasion we are together. Then he said he would kill himself if I left him. Only 12/11 the day before my birthday he told me move out on the third. Bryan asked if he changed that, yes of course. I am sleepy and must work tomo so Im thrilled Bryan will be starting my tattoo drawing tomo maybe but soon soon.

I THANK GOD for my mother, sisters, kids, nieces, nephews, uncle ray, uncle tom, aunty jane, my husband, the rest my aunts and uncles and all cousins. That we are all alive in good health and have eachother.

My Birthday went well, red velvet cake, delicious, 2 sister birthday cards, 2 aunt birthday cards, 1 daughter birthday (ecstatic bout the cards from them because I love them so much those cards are memories too) Yesteday Nathan bought me a shirt and boots and a birthday card late, but appreciated...wont say I told him too...but I did...and next Friday he will buy my Christmas present, I told him $20 giant huge stuffed squishy teddy bear at walgreens so he knows where to go and what to get for me. To get something under the tree means some thing to me. And I want that bear and will be happy to have it for Christmas. He is Jekyl and Hyde whenever he wants to be. But some ppl get me thru. Uncle Ray gets me thru. But I cried all the day with his misery being so mean to me and the night was better, all my nieces nephews and my twins together, the first time for like 5 minutes but they get along and connected so fast to each other.

Yesterday our country was devastated by an elementary school shooting 20 children between 5-10 years old were killed by a mental 20year old. 12 days before Christmas families were destroyed by the loss of their own child and 6 teachers/adults in school at time were also killed. the 20 year old responsible shot his own mother in the face home before heading to this school to cause this massacre. I can not call him a man or boy or guy, I dont know what to call him but I dont care how mentally ill he was I am damn mentally ill and work with those more mental than myself and none of us woke up and said to ourself let me go to this place today and start a massacre. This has devastated our country but worse Connecticut and worse the town in which it took place. So instead of whining about my miserable life, I cry for those who lost their child yesterday. So many. So many mourn with them and dont celebrate any holidays this year. I am grateful to the Lord today I have my mother, sisters(3), kids(3), nieces(2) & one on the way, nephews(2), aunts&uncles too many and cousins too many to number lol that we are all awake today. I love them all and am so grateful to have them today.

Lord be with those who mourn and lost be with them they need you more than ever more than any other right now

ON BRIGHT SIDE

The Womens Gift Exchange Christmas Party was amazing last night, fun and funny and a great Jesus love spirited through. Then went with a prego Kat to set up her Christmas tree and hung out a bit and came home read my email, and found the story behind the massacre. Michael emailed plenty which helped my ngiht but nothing from 7:58pm-now nothing. Saturday. I do not mourn for his no email in several hours I mourn for those who lost their precious treasures, their children. I cried all night woke up and called Uncle Ray and mommy and aunty jane and uncle tom I love them you dont know when you will get another chance too.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! Stacey might not make it, Nathan forgot now wont talk to me and I am sure for my birthday I will be locked out tonight...NICE GIFT FROM SOMEONE WHO SAID ILOVEU for 15&half months...I gave him a cake and persuaded his oldest daughter to come...Then a punch in the face before bed.. ACCUSATIONS HURT! Jacob of all ppl call last night after cell shutoff and he asked before Jacobs call if I was stealing our own stuff giving it to J&Ashley, I looked him in the eye and said I only stole a damn hairbrush from u and returned it. He is not even talking to me, HAPPY F***IN BDAY SAM! My Michael got the first email from HaPpY BiRtHdAy from spelt big then small letters. makes me want to cry he actually might give a damn but is not helping me at all. No computer, no phone, no Michael. Nathan's Michael has a lot to do with Nahtan throwing me out and provoking Nathan I am stealing everything funny I think its Michael his who else/ filters/ food such as oil & eggs dont make sense...doesnt matter, we are over. couch til 3rd. Im in cathouse lol instead doghouse. thou he a pussy and im ballsy. Pain, sadness, anger...LORD THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE GIVEN ME & YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WITH THE RIGHT TO TAKE IT BACK AND HELP ME MOVE ON!!! Give me light to guide my steps Lord. I am sad and lost, but I have you Jesus, guide me, I hurt...Wipe my tears please Oh GOd help me enjoy another year of my life and all YOU have granted me. Strength to let go and move on. ILOVEYOU LORD IN YOUR SON'S BLESSED NAME AMEN

We had sex today when he got home from work, & I brought him home a roach eh got real high off of before dinner. Talked to Michael as much as I could today. He probably just read that and thinking Michael who? WHATEVER Michael aint giving me a place to live. Then Jacob calls and says hey can call ashley for me? I said g2g wrong # then called her left voicemail call him dont call back here. And Nathan flipped. Told me I am a theif and giving them all our missing shit. He on speaker calling someone now. I am so sad and sick of being sad. He says sleep on couch and leave on the 3rd. Out. Gone. I hate you. Dont talk to me again thats it. Uh sick. He talking to someone he wants to talk too. Phone called back. I spent all my check on his family. Now I am holding back everything. I can not give him all my money for Christmas to be homeless next month. He said I dont give a f*** if you wind up in the shelter dont try & come backl here I will have another girl in here (Melissa twins mom hopping heights now) He talking to someone who will believe him. I dont know who. And eavesdropping only going to hurt me worse now. I am so sad. So sick of being scared of being homeless. January's check goes to court in Mass he knows that. WHAT THE HELL!!! Everytime things I thought are going good they go bad. REAL BAD! I am scared he on bus with trevor or vivien to come throw mw out. SICCCK SCARED of what tomorrow brings. But I am not giving them this stuff my money bought for his family and live at Janies or moms again. I looked him dead in the eye and sadi I havent been speaking to them and the only thing I stole from this house was a hair brush I brought back when I came back. He could be on the phone with his Michael or a family member. My Michael so far away would not help me anyway, can not even get a gift out of him but barely two weeks since we started talking. He wants to know now what I wanted in my plot(s) & im not telling him. OH LORD SO WEAK AND YOU ARE SO STRONG! I want to take all I can tomo. Where to? Moms now I got her keys for the night. She at Auntys for night until noon tomo. I would have to get up after he leaves tomo and take everything I can thats my own. Not much, just bags of junk. "I just cant do this. we should be friends we are like fire and water. We fight, I do too less you too much." sob sorry but still go. OMG! life goes on. I will sink. I will stand back up.

night VR

Michael LA told me the story of of the car ride coming home from camp. He said I was wearing blk jeans & orange t. He lied I was wearing coolattes. I know jeans were not allowed. We had AC driving in a white bmw. I know his&my own. I confronted him on the parts I remember. He knows what he did was wrong but does not see it as child molestation. His folder in email is haunted. To find him because I need to let go of the past which damages my present&future. Its sad an affair is planned in our minds. Im haunted by our past and the future between us. No one is aware of our connection. im haunted. I am not aware of his intentions, he is not aware of my own. Ashlee(Calvin' s) called me to question why Calvin called me 2min & 4secs she said I said Id been calling him bout Haylee and court. She said yeah did he tell u it is all my f***in fault too" she sounded sad. I said he told me only Haylee is visits and we dont really talk bout you. She asked me not to say he called. I said uh huh. If he don't ask. They get physically violent too I was on the phone. He said dont facebook his pics or him. I dont anymore. I had sent him alot of facebook posts and if he didnt want talk to me give me a divorce and she had fb back to call her number to talk to him.. And she has vented to me sadly before But I listened. I realized having a child mental health could claim I cant take care of it, id be devastated. Uncle Ray & mom called me this morning. Im glad but missed dentist and didnt go to work. I make less than ssi pays so i dont want to work but enjoy the ppl and having a reason to get out of bed. Church tonight. Michael haunts my mind. 24/7. into my dreams and in reality.

all I can think of. Cept my sisters and nieces nephews kids will be at my cake at Janies tomo for my bday. I want to get Michael to get me a present. But I made as clear as I thought approp- riate. He said I dont even have your address, I said you didnt as, and you can write Jessica Becker(girlfriend from aci) on envelope.

Nathan has no idea how much harder he is making it for me to stay here. I am not allowed to hop bus to LA. Mom, Kit, no one knows the internal mental trauma. He played in front of Lil Natalie he didnt deserve to be hit or abused and she had no idea what he was talking about. He asked "How's Jacob?" cuz he dont understand where $860 went. I got to go thru it but its on my accountnow where it went. Over $400 went to Christmas for his family & him. $200 to my family then bud, house stuff with last of his money. Michael has no idea how obsessed I am right now for light in this dark home. I need a firefly and SeanMax hasnt written and he got no money for minutes. Worse Mark's Christmas giftcard vanished. I went returned clothes I bought for myself, his clippers, monopoly millionare boardgame, memphis bopit, got $80 back, got get memphis, lil nate, korena taken care of, pics tomo pick up. im sick...depressed...he talked ()Nathan of needing 8th floor. selfish sob Ive been burning myself and scratched him with knife & he makes me a monster he wants to entrap here in this dark hole. I have thought prison was a life, routine, Jesus, and realize why others choose to stay in prison or just go back. I would rather not go back. I need a place to live. I can get a cage for myself at shelter upstairs. Estelle said go fill out apps everywhere so tomo I can ask my new case manager Jenn new girl at nccmhc to get apps for everywhere for me and have tyler help me fill them out... I wait simply wait for another message thru email from michael. He has a wife and I dont care, she humiliated my mother & I as a child in front of entire cbc. (church) I know now he ruined his career. He chose to touch me & take chances with kids BOYS IN BACKSEAT. When he asked is my daughter was cute, made me nauseas, she is 11. I want him to make my life better. But its not. Its going to be worse. I dont feel Jesus. But he is here. I know he is, faith. Nathan walked away from church and Kit has been in&out docs so we have to fit eachothers' schedule with nathan & I working now. I start tomo at 9, he started a double Friday but works tomo at 7. He is going to make my caged darker. even with work, its going to make him more miserable and tired then hell be attacking me more often. My money's gone now and got to pay double for court January cuz back to court January 16th. I am sick. Bug cold something. Cigarettes in bedroom make me nauseas but he wont stop smoking in there either. Wonders why I sleep on couch, last night cuz he hogged entire bed and all covers. I am broken... I will always be broken. Relationships should not be physically or mentally harmful and this one is. He doesnt care. I care. I want my own place of security. I am not secure. I have never been secure here.

My obsession with Michael is worse. I want him. A friggin fairytale hell be outside my door fighting for me. Its a fairytale. My Christmas shoppin is almost done. I got to exchange&return stuff. But my pic gifts coming out. Nathan is making me fall apart. I got to be on my way. but we getting thru new years 2013. I want something from Michael for my bday...fairytale.

I love my Christmas tree with my own family this year. im scared of my future. I need Jesus' guidance...

So are Michael&I playing each other? IDK. I didnt tell no one my real mind's plans, but they are fantasies.

I got Nathan by my side & I dont want it to be Nathan. Michael is a joke. I cant believe this is happening. Im crying thinking to the past. How what he did ended his Navy career. He told me when I asked him about the years, he told me it all happened in 2000 and he left the Navy in 1999. he said ma's court order affected his security clearance. I dont know what to say. He has no idea tears fall waiting for his next email. He got my cell # through his connections. Shockingly accepting his Louisiana call on my cell #ID. he says can you guess who this is laughing. It took a min to realize he called my cell with out giving him my # & I am sur eits not connected to my yahoo ID maybe so. He sleepy just made me turn off music videos so g2g bed soon. He not going back to sleep damn it. I want to see Michael's face. I saw him below the belt and he aint big or thick... Damn the sex fantasy...