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Christmas eve day was a disaster. I had a fit on Charles because of my family. Mom said ask Janie to sleep over, I said she wont say no, apparently she thought I would ruin Christmas and fight with Matt. My convict brother who was just released from Federal prison and is back with my sister. I got an early month alert an thought this is not a miscarriage, my roommates said you are pregnant. I am not, missing the pill made me alert early (timeofmonth girl) and we havent had sex since before i missed the pill. So I had some shots with Jacob and Ashley then took late bus 10:20 to Portsmouth. I called ahead and got an okay. Apparently Beverly Matts mom said I called her a slut (called stac) which I didnt. I woke up with my kids christams morn at 8 am and thats all I wanted for christmas. But Saturday I needed bud and stac came through smoked a fat game with me her fla fri amy visiting too adn ladybug. I think I smell like onions from cooking class right now. I dont care, but the kids next to me keep laughing and somone sprayed something that smells good. Samantha you are an adult. I didnt want onions on the quesadillas but the lot agreed to em. So I corrected my spanish exam 6. The others are at home in the spanish book. But i have to go home and fix sentences I translated. At least I am doing spanish again. Headaches are horrible. THey hit hard sometimes, why not yesturday when instead I had cramps and had the heat pad on for awhile. I came out to library yesturday it was closed adn saw Sam-charles' daughter in law-spent 2 hours with her and Jon-his son-was working, we all hung at Dunkin adn had a great time. We spoke of him and they proved again all his words are lies or his own delusions. So life is still depressing, im always stressed or tensed up. Nightmares again. More often, maybe because i gave jacob all my night adivan i started having nightmares again. They are all bad but not real. I want Kaitlyn back. Time will tell. New Years 2010 and all holidays without her. Thats all today.



HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE

Idont have a boyfriend anymore, we split up after a a dumb drunk him night, then he wanted to deal coke and hand with his ex heroin dealer, not good, later buddy.

M y chaos is in my brain. Got a roommate (charles)who is my ex in a 2 bedroom now we share a room. JacobandAshley moved in two nights ago and my goddaughter was taken from them last night at court. So chaos and mental distress has been weighing me down. Got to go shopping. Mentally shut down. Got a boyfriend who is not allowed at my apartment and doesnt know I sleep next to my ex. Though nothing goes on im sure hed be mad or walk. I also talk online to a married man. They all are no help to me and my mi nd. U would like to sleep in peace and warm. Gas off until Monday morning. Dec 15 trial (so I could also be going to jail in MASS for assault with a deadly weapon charge. Scum will show up that day adn I will be on my own-no stac or jord or their statements) Dec 12 my 23rd bday and Christmas is coming, gifts from me late this year. I miss my kids but Kaitlyn gone makes me worse. I have no control over anything as usual at home. Our rooms our rules our roommates I am a bug watchign it all and dbuzzing but being ignored and swatted at sometimes. Jerry is my boyfriend now, he works, and is nice but my hormones are out of control still adn we are not sleeping together until jan.26 his birthday or later respect factor for myself. Kaitlyn my goddaughter should be back Tuesday after day in court. I am in so much pain, and I want to enjoy the holidays. I get a $44 work check next Friday, actually every Friday starting DEC. 18. STRESSED OUT WIT HEADACHE AND NAUSEA!

UGH HELP POSITIVITY





HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME TOMO

S o I have been out thehospital a week now and having headaches nausea and confusion. The man I met in the hospital Jerry and I are seeing eachother. I do live with Charles in separate bedrooms. It still sucks living with him his talking and lectures and threats (he sayd "not threats the true outcome of the sitaution") I am about to date a married man tomorrow but dont believe he will come through, he just makes me laugh online and smile and make me feel good. I am seeing Jerry and about to cheat on him. WOW! I never cheated on Charles,I cut off all temptation. Michael was always tempting but we never met up. Now we are and he admitted to being married which was awesome, I love honesty. I know we can have lots of fun and no love or seriousness together about us he is happily married with out great sexual pleasures. He is going to take me shopping and I am so excited. We will see if it happens, no high hopes. I will be holding my phone at 4pm for his call too. I have been reading alot my v.c.andrewsnovels and series, also Charles is reading my "Stop walking on eggshells" book to help him and those around me understand and cooperate with my BPD (borderline personality disorder) I am out of control going to **** around with a married man and wait for Jerry to propose...Iamoutofmymind







LATER G2G work 1-3 clerical unit assistant at ncmhc

I was discharged from the hospital yesturday. It was a lonely experience after going to run errands with otu my headphones. I told Charles I was seeing someone. I know its not a positive move in his head I jsut cant explaion his emotions about the whole situation from the fight to the overdose to the visit and home. He says he is sorry and has regret but I dont believe him. (Jennifer I miss you and I am sending you out another letter once I write you this update) It was an odd experience from the hospital to our new apartment with charles when we are not together anymore. Jerry and I are reaaly happy right now and I am about to marry him. (He hasnt proposed I am just thinking irrationally) There is no food in the house and I am unhappy about it. The cat shit on my clothes last night-his cat lucky-because he did sometihng with the litter box he shouldnt have done. He gave me $100 today I bought cell minutes and got to go get litter litter box cat food and my cats can come to our new place. My snake is missing got out last night adn I had an early appoint ment so didnt find him yet. Newport County Mental Health is now giving me my meds weekly & I start a job there Monday. Its 3 days a week (Mon.-Wed. 1-3pm but this mon i start at 11) I am thrilled about it. Charles is broke already I dont need to care. I need to buy a new sheet and blanket set for my room. Because the others are missing (all dirty laundry is missing) and I dont like sleeping with just a blanket and pillow no sheets. Focusing on me. Jerry works as a painter everyday he is told usually 7-3pm. Good money and he likes his job. I went to the bank NewpFed and claimed fraudulent charges online services. They are giving me the money that these services has charged over and caused overdraft fees. SO after I fill out forms for these charges to my debit card I will receive a temporary amount of money until the investigation is over. So I will be able to celebrate christmas and buy gifts for others (the kids, jerry, uncle ray, mommy, and charles-giftcard) I am thrilled. I love the holidays, got to go winter shopping too boots jacket gloves hat scarf etc. I told the woman at operations at my bank I was just released from a psychiatric ward adn didnt want need or expect to have my money all gone with a negative charge of 1277.00 before my $640 and -$648 to pay with nothing to spend. I will buy my own magazines now and I can pay off all my stupid lil bills ive collected. G2G I am upand down. My sisters and jew acted caring today. And Jerry texted me good morning beautiful have a wonderful day which made my day, I also called him in the bank's office and hearing his voice made me feel better. I AM STRONG, I CAN GET STRONGER...IT all takes time