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I am about to go to testing, a camera somewhere I wish not to have one to be tested for colon and rectal diseases, I am not worried about it but I am very tired right now. Charles and I are doing great. Weird dream last night but it does not need to be recorded. Court next mon and teeth surgery the monday after. Cool? No, but my wisdom are being removed and court I get to see Lacey and I hope she acts stupid seeing my whole family there thinking we are all there to support Jacob and being there for our own family issues. She gets to see my court issues but I wish for Kaitlyns safety and happiness and health through all this, Sandra is going to make her decision and has been proven false with her report. I hate her father now hiow dare he do this to us during the holidays and such and hurt my mother dearly, Sandra acted in it, she is old enough to know better and signed the order too. DAMN BRAT! Thiings are okay except for my body and health. My ribs are sore I have dizziness and headaches and shakes a lot more often. I dont know what else to say. Goood luck to courts and surgeries is all. LATER

So Christmas was amazing @ JAnies fantastic turkey dinner with uncle ray and the kids. I got two bears from Mark and Jord, a pic of them holding the babies with Mali in the middle. Mom got a collage of all pics of us recetly beautiful. I got a $25 B&N card, 50% off holiday sale at B&N too COOL! Ferrero collection and big red pillow that says lil angel with a blond hair stick figure with blue shoes. The bears I get were one white bear in a green dress (named her Princess) from Jord and an unstuffed brown bear from Marky I named mister. Its just been Charles and I home at night and me doing the same s**t in the day. I also got a lil cocacola polarbear from mom before Christmas. I had a wonderful day then Charles came over a lil after 11 after I called him to come sleep next to me. I got newyear plans I need to start, like less coffee, make clear whos my man and whos not (to the guys not to myself) take care of myself, eat healthy, exercise, take my meds everyday with fiber calciuma nd vitamins, get enough rest, do the daily chores, follow doc apts and checkl my self regularly with tests for stds cancers internal problems. New year, newer me, make the maturer decisions now to follw at midnight new years day when the ball drops adn Iam toasted. I am spending the evening with uncle ray a blunt some liquor and the tv. We will enjoy ourselves together. Sandra still gone, court two mondays from now. The following monsya after my surgery. I will be sedated and need a ride home. NO BUS CAB OR WALKING! WE will see how it all goes. I met with NIkki before I came here and informed ehr on Sandra, Charles, the hoolidays and drama. My bday sucked, 3 cards mom signed (one from her , cats and kids) and $20 for min and stogs. No cake icecream liq or buds. horoscopes said today financailly situate agagin, go over budget be smart start saving. With bills I got to pay and play no saving now. But I am sure my next and last retro with be for California. I may like it, he confuses me with a beautiful mountain life and smuggling elsewhere. Whatever, I will see when I get there the truth and liess. I will also have money set aside for ER leave for home incase hes a nut I cant be with or family is in trouble. Other than holidays, daily chores shower reading and Charmed. Oh we got cable and a housephone finally and Charmed is on at 8&9am and 4&6 pm so I tryt o catch it though ive seen all episodes and they are repeats, eventually I will get all the seasons. SOmehow the last two seasons of OZ vanished from my drawer, and I dont get it, but I will need to find those and finish OZ. I might eventually sell them but maybe not, I even have the book of Oz. Nothing much else, g2g...

Carmella

I had a seixure recently and cant tell you when it was, maybe last tues or the week before. Its horrible, my headsaches come and go, my memory is shot. But I am doing alright. SSI is messing with my head and my money, I am bugginh out. Uncle Tom said shes going to end up in the nuthouse they keep playing games with my money. 8 different letters through nov and dec on amount receiving, last from today sayd $489, from $544 that was never received. I am not liking it and it hurts my head stresses me out. Charles hasbeen great, keepng me warm alwyas bringin a lil bud over at night, sleeping there almost evey night. But we keep our distance in the day to live our lives and then sleep next to eachother at night. We are not having sex yet. NO! And before we do we must both go through std testing which I have an appointment on Feb.3 its in my phone. I ran my errands today and made my important phone calls. Also Kayla was pulle dover, her car towed and might have been arrested COOL! Paper tomo to find out. We get out home phone turned on thurs and we will buy the phone in the morn. I am exhausted today going to docs at 8, up at 6:40am. Went home after cuz ma lockwed herself out forgetting her work pants, so I had to go around again then get bus to ncles 4 coffee and toast. My cousin Anne Marie (cousins gf but fam through yrs and love) had a seizure in the bath last night. uncle called me @ 9:15 past his bed time. I saw her today she feels like shit lightheaded and shaky. SHe said her last seizure was at six years old, shes 23 now. CRAZY! i ALSO saw Sarah BArtlett a friend from years back, she's graduation from URI tomo then going to colorado. I told her im goping to cali in June for vacation. With CHarles. People disagree, its my choice, I am free, and I wish to go. He lives in the mountains and its beaustiful by a lake with trees and animals, because of altitude not mch mosquitoes (GREAT HATE BUGS) I am going if we are together then. I am worried bout my tests, should I be? No condoms with Craig I still dont know. We will see. I am going to see charles when I get hoem. I completed exams 6&7 mailed out 6 got to review 7 tonight. I got my g rades for the other exams, very happy. 97, 96, 99, 81. Got 4 As and 2 Bs for the first subjects i have completed. I skipped engish 2&3 and am happy, Stressin math coming but we will see. Spanish sucks, listening they talk so fast I cant put the words together or tell words apart. But I am doing the escuchar (to listen) parts now cuz the discs work in the radio, and I listen lots and try to do it on my own. School must be completed. Joshua called me on my birthday, sent my gift and card out monday and saiid he loves me so much, he knows I kissed a man but nothing else. I told him no sex, if I was I wouldnt have brought sex up. I believe he treasures my honesty and character, I am mature, older, stronger, happier,. Charles told me im not crazy and my vampire princess part is not real, hurt my feelings. He did. I got over it wrapped my body around his warm naked body and fell asleep. We talked forever last night but I enjoy it (he talks alot) but I am happy and love to hear his stories of his past and military, just not the sames ones. I treasure our commun-ication trust and honesty with eachother. I want mom to be happy through the holidays but sandra will not be here and i think it is going to hurt. She drank the week the socail worker came and was a sad mess, but stopped and is facing the pain and music. It will be over soon.

So Cassandra's signed report her father wrote down says she's starved for a week, we didnt have heat for a month, I beat her up and mom allows it, mom is always out drinking, lack of supervision and she wants to live with her father, well he wants custody of her now. I am upset, mom told Jacob when he came to my house while I was at court and told her about custody papers and she told him bout Sandra. For her to talk t ohim she was a mess, and told the foodstamp lady @ DHS. She doesnt tell anyo ner her problems. She is a mess but said I have to get used to her not being here and its her choice, she's 16...Its not easy its a painful situation and I wish to not have to speak to her again. Mom said lets amake a computer and fitness room where her room is. HELL YEAH>she can think she is cut, we are happy, but mom is not. Mom went out with aunty and got wasted, I stayed home, and I was alright, smoked out the bong Charles left there. Still got bud and boges in the house. I have like $12 until the end of the month (probably newyear drinkin money.) Charles never showed and Craig called in the noon and I called him back at 8 then at nine ,once each, I am not sweating him. I love Charles sleeps next to me in his arms all night and keeps me warm. Its funny he seems like the attached one when he has nothing to do. I am more independant I taught myself how to be independent. I cut my wrists the other night, but I didnt want to die I just wanted to bleed. Its ok, nothing serious but it went noticed and not commented on. I am bored and occupied. Smoking or riding the bus or out. No standing around until around bed. I am okay, I will be okay. Yeah I am strong, I get stronger every day and learn as well. YOu can learn something new everyday, you do just it always recognizable. I saw Jacob, he came to my house when I was at court, he got me at 4 and I hung for a lil while. It has been going rough but we will make it through, mommmy and me. SAndra will be back. and chores adn school and nothing extra. She will regret what she has done the rest of her father and her lives. KARMA child. I have gotten karma still do. I am high, smoked the bong this morn (3 hits) saying I was meditating. I have a pumpkin muffin I will eat and go to uncles and in town and enjoy the nice nippy weather (not freezing yet just cold wind) I am living and I plan on relaxing and studying otday. At a table maybe my house maybe my aunts. I need to kepp up with those exams, and get through high school. G2G nothing much else to say cept I have had gas in burps bubbles and a lil boofering Ithink its the coffee all the time. I dont know. LATER

Carmella

Cassandra got a restraining order on mom, COMPLETE SETUP by her and her father and her elderly friends in NH. SHe is not home and mom will not have contact with her until Jan.5 in court. I am sick and pissed. She says she wants the yelling and screaming to stop, I always threaten t5o beat her up, and she thinks living with her dad will be heaven, but the grass isnt greener on the other side. She can learn the hard way. Jim har father is very ill, he has been dying for 13 years yet he still drives and breathes and walkes. But he has one kidney and never took care of himself. SHould he die< Sandra goes in to a group home til court. Teach her something. Mom is suffering and real sad. She is 16 she should know something, mom buys her clothes and presents and needs and wants for foood too. I wish to not speak to her again. I cant believe she did this to mymom. We will ccelebrate the holidays with out her just us 2 and she was there 4 thanksgiving. This is rough. I had a seizuer tues, arrest wednesday, sandra does this, paid uncle tom 50 back for bailing me out MPD and this has been a crzy month and a painsful adn stressful and chaotic month. Poor mom. I love her and this pain makes me mad Sandra did this to her. Charles doesnt know whats going on cept its a fam issue and I told all my friends but I dont trust him. I swear he is a fraud fake imposter something crazy. undercover or wacko. I guess I will see that sooner or later. Maybe hes a Craig set up. Wow I am so lost !!! Craig called today like wanted to say hi (message) hi bye back. C wants me to let him call and end it.NO !! I will do it. I was trying to do it nicely now im just going to say we cant have sex so you can stop calling me now. SHould he care now I already stopped and seeing someone else not having sex with any one I guess I can be me and do as I can to help me. To support and assist family. My responibilites, my self, extra...

Craig needs to see we are done, and C I am not ready for a relationship. I want you as a teacher now and maybe when we have stronger feelings for eachother, real relationship feelings, maybe we can try it again. I am confused and I will see how to address it all

Charles is intersting. We have slept beside each other 4 nightrs straight now, we have not had sex, but we have some fun and enjoy eachother's company. Oh but I dont trust him. He says I am not a threat, but my readings show I am and he is to me as well. But I am very fond of this man that has come into my life and stands by me. We will not have sex until he say he loves me. I am studying the Celtic background, for he is Celtic and he calls himself a warrior (one of 13 in 5 tribes) He calls himself a protector which is true. He protects all around him and those he cares for. I am learning and he is not. He is blind to me but it is for the best at this time. I am staying clear and being the mortal me. My cards last night have showed me to not trust him and that he is leading me astray. But i know not whether is was speaking of him, I had his face in my mind and asked Am I being led astray show me my path and my destiny. Our cortship is going well for now. Life is simple and simply boring. Cassandra comes home from NH today, the weather is beautiful and yesturday was nasty rain. I got libraby book son the Celtics today but I will not let him know I am studying it. Yet. G2G Uncles and calls. Oh I had a seizure Tues morn on the bus ended up in ER got a ride home from a stranger and he was not nice but I got a ride. Then Wedn nite got arrested for a warrant I had for 30 days I was unaware of. UNcle Tom bailed me out $280, thank God and him. He just moved too adn I broke him completely. Thanksgiving was dull btu Markys party was great, just seeing all my kids and the babies was awesome. Uncle Ray went to the party too. And Janie got uncle toms truck friday and we got all the garbage out the driveway. I went to my neighbors MIck's lsat night to use the phone and get a stog, he says he's moving he got mice. Landlord doesnt care. Well we dont cuz our cats thank goodness. So there is a follow up. I mailed out letters to Matthew and Joshua today too. I told Criag I was sick and couldnt have sex anymore, so he will not be calling for awhile. LATER