I got my first letter from Sean (MAX) today and I was so happy even though it was short it was sweet, so I started writing him back and nathan(BIG) said something. Well I got distracted and had to call refills for my birth control so I had to make an appt. and I got one for 20 min later and doc down street. My lil Nathalie had a fit but we all went. Then Nathan(BIG) eyes started burning and watering, the doc saw him quickly and it was his allergies going crazy. We went to the closest park, I told him go home he said he'd be fine. Nathalie wanted to go & Nathan said some thing too so I sent them home. Lil Nate&I stayed an extra 35-45 min at the park. I called Nathan when we got outside of building he was fine sent Nathalie let us in. Then I go online and started writing lyrics of SOLDIER by Destinys Child and Nathan said out loud "why dont you f***ing go be with him? I know you heard me? SO I replied I know you're not talking sh** to me! He said yes I am I said Why? he said in front of our twins "Because you disgust me!" I was pissed and stopped writing my letter and lyrics out and laid on couch. (I dont know if I fell asleep or not when my phone rang I thought I was already awake) But he kept walking in out room talking sh** and I kept my head under a pillow on lil couch. I went to bathrm and phone rang, I said im in bathrn he told my sister call back i was in bathrm and she then called my cell I had on me. She was home laying down bored and tired. Kids were out, pumpkin at school and mark not home, not home often he getting older. She told me go down there I said I dont know if hell lock me out and she said you can sleep here and I said I know but you got a full house and your pg so I cant move in there and she said "yeah." So I got to get thru it here til I have a permanent residence. Ma called for her sneakers not long after and we talked at the bus stop. I told her bout church and God and I know I had to go to ACI to go back to God and do things for my self. Well with the Lord beside and inside me. I must follow HIS will for me. I unblocked Amy & Mrs. Stuebe and didnt confess to Amy that I bocked her cuz Michael Waters. Its getting easier to not want track him down and stuff. But I opened my face facebook again to see if I can connect with him and requested all these ppl to be my friends. And it said dont request if u dont know them and I stopped requesting everyone. I havent checked my face f/b or yahoo yet. Nathan and I meet with Kit our spiritual guide tomo morning. I watched HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES online for free at 1channel.something right before coming on here. Nathan almost set the house on fire cooking and the alarm you could here outside on the street when we live on 4th flr. I called fire department to let them know there is no fire just alarm from smoke in our aptmt. Mommy reminded me to call social services in prov to see if they'll help me get a place. I got to try, I am also going to check out this new place on our main street Broadway women&women for help. We took kids to lunch at church and it was great. Spaghetti & meatballs, we ate well. Dinner was some funny sausage I didnt eat & mac&cheese. Doc said diet&exercise, cut sweets(not much in sweets) also my white bread, pasta, rice all that heavy starch. Im down to 210 lbs from 226 to 216 to 210 im happy bout that. Well hopefully I can do a better healthier maybe (healthy is costly but im going to do coupons searching to save more now money so tight everything so pricey, bread over $2 now ridiculous.) but I need fruit fresh and my kids love fresh fruit and real healthy juices. Fresh veggies he has damn free vouchers for that he doesnt f***ing use. Tomorrow oh yes I will be fighting with him to do that. Common sense he a damn diabetic too and does not think bout health for anyone. Uncle Ray had flea infestation well got in to emergency visit with diamond which is good and Friday my cousins may be helping him bomb or I will. He wants kids for pizza party and im happy to help him with bombing house for fleas so he can do something with my kids this or next weekend. I may be pregnant. Lord HELP ME! I pray my stupidity and his ignorance doesn't change my life forever right now. I told the Lord if I be with child let it be YOUR WILL alone and please guide me thru every step. I want my teeth done, perfected, COSTLY tho but its something I want for me. $200 whitening at my dental center. Straightening even more, I found a plsce in Prov. next to KP, Prov bus station too but havent gone becuz my memory when I have $$$. I got bills and responsibilities first. I must go to Mass. next Tuesday to turn in Aug. & Sept. money orders bcuz im on default, called means warrant GREAT once out of ACI warrant cuz it was late once after my probation is over. My Superior court case is not starting for a bit, sept.6 the courts will go over evidence for my prosecution. I can fight this I got the neighbor as a witness and she will speak to my attorney when she calls or visits her. My attorney is a woman so that will make neighbor more comfortable, she says she would write a letter anyway, but concerned I went to jail for violation on assault. DAMN LIFE IS CRAZY! LORD I GIVE MY LIFE TO YOU! SHOW ME YOUR WILL ALONE! Friday I take a pg test, my own I wish to know first. I am terrified. This MothaF***** has done nothing for these kids. Oh he feeds them when they are here, NOW he makes Nathalie read and now I got Nathan to read too. Its very late. I am terrified to be pg with him. My oldest called me, she smoked fake weed (I told her not too its dangerous but she tried it) and her head was spinning and she didnt like it. I texted her til she felt better. I said u dont want ur dad to know? she said if u tell i will neva talk to u again, i said dont threaten me missy im not im just worried bout u. I keep her trust as long as her life is not on the line. Its not. I keep in touch with her everyday now to make sure she ok and safe. I love these kids. I asked Amy if you could fall in love not just be in love like love at first sight (I has that with Sean my first love-Raven, not Sean in MAX) And Nathan was in love with me at first sight, I know I him look at me and know he was ln love with me. Amy said she make herself fall in love. I said maybe I can. I wonder about my husband, do I belong with him? Does the Lord want me&Calvin back together to fix our marriage or let him go, start a family with Nathan, or grow up adn find my own life with HIM and no huMan right now. I wait and did not read today, I must read 3 Bible chapters tomo before Kit arrives. I pray to sleep well and follow my set schedule with the Lord first. GoodNight
I chose not go back to work when i got out of jail cuz 2 clients there have no contact orders on me & i figured wasn't ready...but im not ready to stay home suffocating. i need to leave him. but right now no other home that can accept me my oldest sister lives up road pregnant wit twins two sons 4&11 a man dog snake @ scorpions 2 bedrm aptmt so i love hangin there not for me in there space...i need get away if he would quit cigrets haha that never going happen get a 4 bedrm wit our 3 kids his i consider my own...im down right now. I want to get away...I lied to our 17 yr old daughter when she asked do i love her dad. but keep in touch wit her now cuz she going thru heartbreak with guy 4 months she been with and lost her virginity too...I remember the pain of my first love so well. I was 17 turned 17 the two weeks we were together two weeks I was in love with him when he walked thru the door. I will always have love for him as my first real love but im over him now. took him back a few times but the breaking was so much easier after the first time. that was 2003 the end I let go of the pain that new years in to 2004. I went to a new year party with my friend RJ and ate again after two weeks not eating. anyway had a great evening til i came home and he thru away a bowl of tuna casserole I told him DONT THROW AWAY so i could eat it later on and he threw it away saying i didnt know then said it was moldy. He lies to my face bout dumb stuff, and makes me look like the bad guy to his father. his dad leaves tomo hoping VA hospital & not anywhere else except maybe his halfway house he chooses not to and does not have to go either. We get our twins in morn. So I went to FOrt Adams with my pumpkin(nephew) Ant (Janies man) and King(pit scared of everything) swimming Ant went fishing and pumpkin & I had a great time. im tanned maybe feel burn tomo my feel forehead I shaved the top my eyebrows not all of them but forehead may burn in morn. Then came picked up noon/dinner meds had dinner at janies. I had bbq chicken rice and cornbread, I ate bbq and liked it so chances high im pg with nathan. i think i will jump bridge and state if im pg. my oldest daughter said with my baby sister or brother? I said I want all you guys in a 4bedrm living with us as afamily. He makes no moes for that, I must and hope he comes thru. I have one week before i take a pg test. I pray im not I pray the Lord be with me, inside me, that there is no child but my pms cycle comes late in month into ear;y next month as usual. Not pregnant I got to go, where idk. My husband and I had an agreement move in together in October. I texted him im finding my own yesturday cuz he not contacting me, that day @1am with no message. He called crying she thru him out got a restraining order and he lost all his stuff. He lied. He's at her house now. He says he sleeps in other room but I wonder. I went thru period where I slept on couch here no sex nothing for a month. Im closer to breaking down again. But the Lord will help me thru all. I am confused bout my life. I look for HIS guidance more now. I wanna be with no one, my God and my own apartment...LORD HELP ME!
Today was a good day. Odd dream of my cousin dying & my ex and I together & his ex wife was mental and everyone was crazy after a baby my sister gave birth too but I stayed with the baby WEIRD lil bother some.
Today I got up late and lounged around, tried fried eel for dinner. I tried some of it, it tasted so plain so I added salt then I got a scratch in my throat and realized it was bones. Then I tried some meat with hot sauce and that only made it taste like dried fish. I stopped eating it then & ate all my tatar tarts. Sean from Max hasnt called in a week now and I have not gotten one letter from him yet. I know he already wrote me and the first letter got lost in mail cuz I just changed my address from mom's to Nathan because mom got in trouble by landlord seeing my name in paper for Chris ASW charge under her address. Now Im sending Sean letters TO G.Baker c/o S,baker. I do not like he has not called me. I wait and always check the mail. Got my new debit card going to activate it in a minute. My evening, I smoked a lil bud with my & Nathan oldest daughter (17) she is beautiful and young and emotional hormonal and I understand her pain I just want her to learn from it and let it go by. She cheered up over her ex-dude she "loves". I remember that age & that pain with Raven. That pain. That betrayal and sadness and humiliation and rejection. Losing what I saw as my family. I understand it and got her thru this night of that pain. I told her come to twins party next weekend to Prov.Place Mall (I am going to make sure she has $50 to spend, my late b-day gift to her.) I love checking out Spencers & hot topic. It all comes back to I do not love Nathan but maybe I can learn to? I do not know but its been a year with 8 weeks missing. September, Autumn< change in season coming up. That means I will have an evil change of heart when the earth rotates so does my mind... I should learn to love him. I do, for holding me down and letting me in. He took me back. I have brutally beaten him twice. He looked me in the eye one day walking in to NCCMHC and knew he was in love. He always gave me his number,. I never saved it. Then I came to terms with smoking and eating and having a good time. Well we are still together, Should I be pregnant we will get a 4 bedrm and car and have all four our kids and be a real family. I thought the Lord was send ing me back to my husband, I will do my tarot with prayer for some insight. I have gotten on Bible studies have been about the building of the house of God, one had two cherubs on covered the inside of the ceiling through the His house. Another was King Solomon building one telling you its measuring (cubits) . BUT TODAY WAS HABAKKUK ch.1 Habakkuk thought the Lord left him to be tortured by these people and abandoned him alone suffering and miserable. I knew HE would never leave me, and I have known all along I left HIM. Being a trapped rat you do what you can to be free. So I prayed and prayed and read, open the Bible every morning sometimes twice and read wherever it turns. In jail I read from JUDGES to 1 Kings, skipped to Job and abandoned those for HIS TRUE GUIDANCE. Our oldest Korena asked me do I love her dad. I told her Yea. I do just not in forever kind of way. I dont see him as my happyeverafter. Never mind Joshua & I proved they dont exist. SO does my marriage to my beloved husband who calls me at 1 am and doesnt get answer or leave message. I texted him im getting my own place. I got a week to learn if I am pregnant. My digestive tract is screwing my up so I can not feel if I hold a child right now. Im going to cry if I am. But they have lots of cousins to play with their age. I pray I am not pregnant. THat only HIS WILL does not wish me a child at this time. The voices in my head are my own. Telling me things I believe the Lord is telling me. Its all good stuff. Its my voice. Believing in the Lord prayer and learning. Being LEGAL &SAFE.
Going to bed now.
I saw lots of ppl I missed at the center and denied going back to work right now. I was happy to see some ppl but got to watch for ppl with no contact orders on me. I got my meds, told them no seroquel, not taking it and no one likes em or wants em. Im just listening to Kelly Clarkson on youtube right now. Its was a good day we ate my sister Janie gave us some mac and cheese, skippy pb, corn flakes, ginger ale and a huge bucket of animal crackers. We had tuna casserole for dinner, it was good. I need new hobbies out side. I am pretty lazy, complete errands&docs appts, I miss work but I dont feel ready. Sometimes I sleep with nightmares, other times is up every few hours through 3am-7am (stayed in bed til 9 today.) Its an ugly mornin for me when these things happen. Before I went to jail I was staying at my moms wit friends cuz she got empty nest syndrome and been at my aunts for months now at my oldest sisters house (whose pg wit twins) Well when I moved out Nathans to moms I stopped having nightmares. For awhile, stressfree. stressed again? suffocating again. I got to get my own place I can afford somewhere. I can not stay here with anyone. well goodnight
So outside my insanity I believe that I am meant to be with my husband. But that is this second, this day. I have Borderline Personality Disorder so I married him after two months and left him after two weeks never officially divorced and now plans to move in Oct. My boyfriend has no idea and I feel I owe my boyfriend. He loves me and treats me well but I do not love him , not once did I fall in love with him and he has not given me an orgasm in one year. My husband did that every night. I still need help on what to do with myself. I love my boyfriends children as my own and care for them as my own. Now I have my beloved husband thinking we are going to fight for custody of his 6 month old baby angel and raise her together. I am in desperate need of help. MENTAL HELP! I believe in a psych ward. Mommy says I am better than the people I work with, But I believe I may have my senses but inside my brain is invisible to all others. I feel the spinning chaos. I hear the voices, see the pictures in my head. True and False Pictures.(things that have and have not happened, dreams and voices are hardest for me)
I am trying to get through a assault with a deadly weapon charge too, self defense term, some guy i've known for 2 years tried to kill me called me a spy & I smashed him on the head with beer bottles and a candlestick. I went to jail for two weeks for him when he is scary dangerous. He is scary psycho not cool funny crazy. He needs to be locked up somewhere he can not hurt anyone, any ladies.
the drugs they put me on dont help anymore, I am confused about the pills assistance to my brain and mental behavior.
I found a man I was searching for but he hurt me when I was a child. I dont know what makes me want to contact him ask him if he ever loved me. Am I insane? He has haunted my dreams and past. Over a year and a half ago his voice popped in my head, a song he sang to the kids (myself included) on church bus(picked up project kids) (When I told a chick around my age who was someone who was supposed to help me through life I heard his voice. She responded "you are not going to hurt anyone or yourself, get over it" I hated her after that and she left and was replaced by a dits but to the story)So a girl from my past hits me up on Facebook and I was happy about it and found a woman who was a great role model on this girl's f/b friends. Then I come across him on all the friends lists of the people at the church (all left adn moved found new churches) in fact other members did not get back to my messages (I saw him on others after messaged them) Does anyone have advice? I cant pop pills, get high, kill or cut the memory from my mind... I need a real therapist who can help me and gives a damn bout their patients/clients. Until then, I just got is number, im afraid hell know its me. im afraid he will ditch me like my father did. There is a reason. He was the greatest man to me until he hurt me. I called my dad Fathers Day and we spoke and never again did he answer my call or call me. This man has all I would love-camping, fishing, boat, home, family, vehicles. He was in an accident last month (found on facebook) I dont know if he completely recovered. I know he is strong. His family loves him and hates me and believes im a liar for money. (Gave my ma $5000 and I saw $500 of it and gave $50 to the kid who witnessed the incident and went forward fisrst. I didnt know if I was dreaming but when I woke up and tried to fidget he kept at what he was doing) I am insane I want to have an affair with this man an d his child to make sure I and our child has everything he had. I had nothing. But my family. Lord God HELP ME!
So the month has been alright, no more police, trouble, prison. I picked up meagan my past roomie in jail at the aci by bus cuz she got out and I told her I would. I walked the prison grounds lost. Get sunburned on face(forehead hurts) arms and back where the shirt had lines in it. I found her went to inmate accounts with her, waited outside there close to two hours. I was lost bout an hour before got to her and she was released minutes after I found the right builiding. We walk down a highway to garden city and she cashes her prison check at a bank and has lot of dough on her now. We went to Dunkin she treated me too both medium iced coffees then grab a bus to KP Prov bus center. WE get off and she grabs cigarettes at 7-11. She all over wanting pills or dope(heroin) Im thinking OM this girl is going to OD accidentally but still. I am sad and nervous for her. She lost her kids, her ma agreed take them (3) so DCYF didnt. She said she wants her kids back, see them, she misses and loves them, but she puts the drugs on the list too. She met these guys on bus and was whispering with them and discussing drugs and dough. I am sure she went and met up with them guys too. We get back to Newport, my purse is gone. Megan sees her mom and gets her purse cvs bag of some belongings. Well Meagan bounced on me leaving me by 7-11 in newport. She vanishes adn no call or nothing. I worry a little I know she stopped by my cousins that night they told me yesturday. So much helping others that just turn on you. (I think I had my purse and someone took it without my knowledge. the bus never had it turned in) no money just important stuff. SSi card, ebt card, debit card, library card, ID, my moms SSI card, my letter to Leah bout the night chris attack. I had my baby pic in there of Janie Ann holding me, and the larger pic of that too. I know to be safe bout stuff and let go of stuff. Material things, I ve lost all material things I loved & treaseured. More&more as days go by. Lord help me...im falling again. I believe the Lords Will for my husband and I to reconcile. I know I have to leave Nathan. But I do not know how to cause him this pain again. I love the kids and they love me and they would believe I abandoned them. I do not know what to do for myself. I do not know the true way for myself. Lord help me.
I beat up my cousins ex who was in Nathans house (Nathan & I werent together then tho) I beat her up cuz I said you need to leave, she ignored me, I said it again and she replied this aint your house I dont have to listen to you so she on computer and I grab her byher hair and said thern ill make you leave. She was on floor and said im calling police I said ill give you a reason too adn kicked her in the face, busted her lip and I made her suck on ice for swelling, she kept saying stupid shit so i kept banging her, her blood all over nathans couch and bathrm wall. I felt guilty, so guilty I slashed my arms with old fashioned razor stick that men used in past. I went to newport hospital who didnt look examine my wounds but told me (Dr. TIlman) she spoke to psychiatrist who never came to speak to me, She said theyre are no beds available at butler or there in newport. She sent me home told me go to sleep. So the next day I called my case manager from Newport County Community mental health center (NCMHC) and told her what happened, I was sent by universal ambulance to roger williams hospital in Providence. I stayed 3-4 days and got ripta back home. That Friday I was arrested by Middletown Police at eastmain rd bus stop acrross street from shaws supermarket. I went from middletown to newport police stations to court adn released on PR, ($1000.00) and the following tuesday morning I was arrested after I was attacked by this dangerous psycho I saw as a acquaintence/friend for 2&1/2 years. He called my cel adn I said id hang out bomb drink eat. He went frigging weird. He called me a spy for NCCMHC and was recording all going on. He told me he had 30 beers and tried bath salts that day after released from Newport hospital psych ward. He told me this later that night lil before he want psycho on me. We unfortunately had sexual relations not aginst my will and I admitted that. When I walked out the room bedroom in a blanket when he started talking crazy he followed me and grabbed me. He starting slamming my back and neck adn head in to floor. I begged him to stop and he wouldnt I grabbed a beer bottle and warned him before I broke it on his head, he slammed me harder and I did it again, then the candleholder there what I could reach. I got to the neighbors and she let me in and called police. My hand and foot dripping blood from bottles, my fingers were sliced open,, my thumb was nasty open. We were brought to newport hospital by separate ambulances and he pressed charges on assault w/deadly weapon. I was in summer outfit that I froze in for few hours at newport police station. The judge sent me to ACI for 2 weeks for violation of bail hearing. I got out two days ago. ACI in seg separate lonely cage with toilet and matt. 4 days there with no meds, had seizure thursday night & threw up the next night stomach bile which I only puked before when I was PG(miscarriage end of that) I am not PG. I met my sister Janies mans niece Estrada who helped me out in to general population. It was fine. This chick Mackenzie I went to Rogers with (she was a pathological liar then, think she still is) she saw me asked if i got caught in drug raids, no asw, I went ask her about using her pin phone call and she said it dont work that way. Her girl had walked away so I went to hit volleyball and she jumped in front of me and I knocked her in the head. She walked away whining and kenzie wasn't my friend no more. Ran her mouth but nothing to my face. I met woman I love dearly and wrote them all when I was released on ($1000 PR 1 year probation 1 year suspended sentence-any trouble imprisoned for a year, would serve 6 months not trying for anymore time. I fell in love with a woman, I did, she makes me laugh like my uncle ray my best friend and kept me happy at ease there. Her name is Jessica, she is tall blond beautiful crazier than me wild long curly think natural blond hair, light green eyes I wanted to stare into forever. I hugged her before I left and I already wrote her letters, mailing out today. My friend Megan was sent back for 20 days. I wrote her too, from Newport I grew up with her man and his family fir years. we got close. I told er if she went see judge before me I would not have taken deal nolo to danas assault. She went after me and I ran downstairs asked her bail, none 20 days serve. theres another woman Debbie crazy sweet old lady who will support megan thru this time. I wrote Deb too and a sweet woman everyone likes and tiny girl sandra, her ex they were together thhat night he set her up. another newport girl amanda i met who knows my cousin. she was friends with kenzie and the only night wwe moved to kenzies dorm bravo amanda ditched megan and myself. bitch left court not waiting for meg like I did. said hit me on facebook. forgot password so cant get on yet but cousin said watch her i said why she fake he said yes she proved it wit kenzie. not going tell there prison storues but some girls locked violating no contact orders stabbin boyfriend smashing him in head with jar of pennies all separate ppl. funny but got time. My love Jess had warrant&pills on her tried swallowing em all before cops rushed her to ground. she has seizures too. so i got out tuesday. sleepin in bed amazing&makin love nonstop to nathan made him special he held me down I could call him knowin he was home&would relay messages to my family which he did. he sent card and they said u git pick up papers and i said fuck that im not going back there. cant visit friends as felon. got out dismissed jacob now dont kno where he stayin. ash left thhreatenin messages tried say my uncle ray hit her he didnt get arrested said im going back jail she got mad shit on me. whatever saved messages they called nates landlord on ppl livin here. nope. lost job already friggin rob called let me kno he has my job now. uncle made me ziti butter&parmesaun ate that up. yummy. we tight again. chris bombed me up night i got out awesome stuff i was baked. so home sept 6 go back fir case wit chris freak. Im not going down for him he can go to jail for attacking me. jacob told uncle I robbed him uncle knows better. i was so happy to see my kids and memphis. nate brought natalie to court I cried if i didnt get out and she saw that i would have been devastated but i took nolo plea with dana assault. back to life. weird dream bout mom dad uncle ray and few others, sex dream too. so update on last 3 weeks. CRAZY. got to stay calm and no violence or police crime issues. at aci they switched my ativan to clonopin awesome so mellow at aci i knew if i freaked out in seg theyd keep me there longer. Some really cool COs some assholes. played uno adn regular cards adn had tv and outside and lil gym. INTAKE. I was fine. Was locked up for my Angels bday going send her $25 in birthday card. My sister Stacy moving to boston soon, sad cuz never ssee them farther away. Didnt see them much but miss them my sister adn nieces. jacob&ashley owe me $150 they can keep it and leave me alone. so not much else, cant stay at moms cux her address was used on ASW crime unfortunately. I got go with her get my other stuff. not much clothes and threw out green outfit I was arrested in,. debit card shutoff so jacob&ashley couldnt use it they took the regular card adn my 1943 half dollar assholes. I wounder if they stole my chain Gary gave mei n bingo. THey didnt steal my dad dogtag. Im going write my dad too ask for scrapbook of pics of my nana and him when he was younger. I am going send him a pic of me recent. I found the Lord again. I read the Bible and prayed to Him. I told the Lord You dont give us something we can not handle, That should His will be me go back ACCCI okay, and should he release me THank YOu and dont let me forget You Lord and stray, you let me out adn set me free YOur word helped me.
LTER
LOVE YOU JENNIFER HOPE YOU ARE WELL
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