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HUrricane or tropical windstorm going to hit tomo

I have 7 cats out of cages and 1 dog in one for first time at nathans house with my mom and his daughters. i cant stand nathan or my mom right now. Natalie sleeping. mom and korrine be up late im sure but ill hit bed soon. damn stuck w/ lil milk for coffee adn one bottle of cream soda for us 5 tomo...mac & cheese, tuna, pb&j, hotdogs, turkey deli meat not much once electric goes out if it does, hope not. mom met mark on chatline mark is steven im pissed ands sad



talked to daddy jim tonight cry miss daddy security as a child never have that back...

but new hampshire is a big move possibilty for stacy sandra and i now. girls go i must follow...only if matt doesnt come along...God i hate men all of them thery are al fucked up

Nathan shaved his head, UGH is what i have to say. he says im UM from planet of UM makes me mad cuz um sounds and appears to be um nothing, like below dirt. and um like something to eat. i am here for a few months to survive damn its hard to get by



JENNIFER CALL ME 401-847-7048 MISSYOU

Living with Nathan is temporoary...got to keep reminding myself...we got bedbugs adn headlice, yeah, his friends live in a shelter and he has 3 kids at his mom's that can bring the bedbugs round&round&back around... he went to doctors, nathan did, he is a diabetic, and want taking any of his meds for diabetes for 3 months...he spread we have bedbugs too my job adn the shelter adn his "workers" i d k what kind of workers they are... im upset. i have been having nightmares, wild nightmares that have been draining me mentally& emotionally. He says "just dont leave me" all the time, this morning he said "becasue of his poverty" he is a moron. im not here for him. we fiught at uncle rays yesturday cuz of his health. im emotionally angry because nightmares, but he just made everything worse for himself...



im leaving now

Mocha moved into Nathans today. SHe is sick at mom's so i can watch her and take care of her now. Nathan says stupid things that get on my nerves "don't cheat on me" and now im your man right, you said that...his fits, he is really paranoid, but im stuck here til my apartment comes through. Section 8 opened up so monday ater work ill have to go get forms. YEAH SECTION 8 better than project housing. School done, now got to practive for sats to take them and start RIC by next winter or spring. English&writing. Math is a nightmare, one practice question on line presats i didnt understand. 8y+7x-something-3y??? RIDICULOLUS! you dont even use algebra in the real world. ANyway got to learn and get through college. at least i have cause in this damn state besides probation trap and all docs and medical and ssdi and a job etc but i still hate ri. i get minor headaches again. But see Kozel nexty week. great guy adn nuerologist...got 6months for my liscense woohoo...getting offline



Carmella

my head hurts

so nathan and I get tighter, ye i kow we will not be forever, i know i will hurt him, yet i remain here, ill hurt him leaving now anyway. We are okay, but Joshua owns my heart, I gave it to him when he first returned to RI to see me. How my heart calls&cries for him only. Iloveu Joshua. No mater what, he is my heart. I kno we wont be getting married or having children should they come in 10 years or not. I want him with me. I want him to return to my side. But I dont know our lives paths. Whether we connect in person again or not. God I miss him. So much. No other man matters. Calvin, my dear husband, screwed up when he allowed some ho he was fucking-maybe still texted me garbage. Now I wont have anything to do with him. I may have the money for a divorce this Sept. I might not. Should gym take double payments before i can clear my bills then i will be cut on money. I will live. I survive. always. I am alive not in prison, free, can walk talk, see touch taste smell speak not everyone can, these are everyday things people take for granted. I dont want too I want to start some kind of fundraising for children who are deathly ill, send them on a dream vacation instead of for research which will not save any of their lives, to give them a pure piece of happiness let them be a child one day before they leave this world. Home Edition extreme makeovers showed me too much sickness in children that dont need to be. Makes me sad sick inside. One child I can give a dream too will mtter to me. Nathan is at child support court. I have the house to myself but im not happy, suffocating. Got to walk somewhere like Cliff walk cuz its nearby and a nice long walk. Around the water and rocks and mansions. I have been having headaches. I got to take better care of myself. I should stop smoking weed for awhile, cigarettes altogether. It can save me monye. I am trying to clear my debts. I need to do SPanish mailout and be waiting fo rmy diploma. College, is my next step. I dont know how to start college papers or grants but im sure ill get help once i receive my diploma... headaches. confusion. ill be oaky. School, save, work towards liscense and apartmnetn...

Listening to rihanna on you tube. check out tangowire&eharmony not much luck with that tho. seem s everyone featured member wants to talk to featured members only im not featured, not paying for it.



ready to go



Carmellablack

Nightmares...come&go. Work...Bomb. I am done with SPANISH 2, I got to rewrite final exams 20&21 which would be easier if I didnt want to double check it all over &over. Got my monthly call today...And Calvin calls, but he is on mute, I dont hear his calls or call him back, I delete his stupid messages "we dont qualify for legal services, ita $500.00 so $250 a piece" which are lies. I decide to call him on the day I have my file papers when I have the $130 to file, and I will try to get him to come to court with me so we can both sign the papers and be legalyy divorced. NO kids, no remarriage, no nothing serious. Joshua the only serious thing in my heart. No one else touches my heart. No one drives me wild inside either, I havent had an orgasm in long time time, like over 6 months ago(maybe in last dec when my husband and I had tried working on us again). HOT GUYS-lol-Angel, Puerto Rican from work, wants to have sex with me...BUt he thinks its him moving in my new place with me now, how it came from friends, little kisses, to sex later, to moving in IDK but its there now, my own place got some months to come, dont know what can happen. He wants med papers, saying "CLEAN" he ll show me his too. HE said "home is clean why look for something that may be dirty adn make me dirty, no im good" I understand, he sayd he dont play that jealousy bullshit, he got 3 kids, with 3 different moms too. But him sexing me will wipe all jealousy and anger out of meLOL that was funny and cute, he can go al night long adn likes to eat and ill be grabbing him begging him to stop. I believe him. I know being Puerto Rican he is bigger than the white guys ive been with, my husband was huge too tho. Angel makes me melt with his looks, smile, etc, but im afraid he may be sleeping with other women at work??? Or maybe its just he is real sweet adn I misjudge it, but could be the other way around. One step at a time, HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA!



God I have made so many choices that turned my life in a negative direction but im working on my yellow brick road again, may I always follow it adn reach it end someday, find a rainbow.



CARMELLA

Dinner @ Stacys Tues night the first night I went home from Nathan's. I am at Nathans now watched bigbrother, going to complete my final exam final essay!!! 8 months seizure free, 4 months til my own place!!! I cant stand being here but getting my work done. Its part his fault being a man and stuff but im gone. GO to wo fix me up, not serve me out...l0l



Carmella



SO HIGH GETTING WORK DONE!



PS NIghtmares fighting adrenaline needing to be released mentally draining bodyaches sleeping on rotted mattress

I am leaving nathan today. The facts he said "I don't want to see my kids, I want to spend time with you, I have my kids all the time". and other stuff but those words are the reason I am leaving. Not the fact the family is already hating me...and the kids too. Wow...I am okay, ill live, got to finish spanish then one goal completed.



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CArmella

I am wearing a black t with sylvester the cat wearing a big black t and wearing chains. FUNNY! I like it. Anyway im still at nathan's. (my horoscope warned me playtime)-drink smoke sleep he makes me eat im going to get real fatt._(is there and its my choice to turn on what needs to be done or what your doing instead partying wasting time...) so i choose to walk up his three flights of exercise over&over. he is too clingy always saying "lets shower lets have sex dont leave me i cant stand with being without you" not good all going too fast. just instant messaged Joshua. My love my man my soldier my everything. i just wait and survive on my own waiting...i need to remain secure&sane when he returns strong&supported...

IloveJoshua

My Indiana Girl Jennifer



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Carmella

For awhile it was Uncle Rays every morning hangout have coffee smoke some weed when Jason rolled up. we went to the beach nightly with him, his girl dana, chris&his girl in chris' girl Sabrina's ex car they just had to return it and bought a small pickup truck.



Drama with someone called section 8 said a girl was staying there and mom jumped the gun saying a friend is there to watch the dog...I got to sit down&compromise with them, I dont want Jamal to leave, I know mom told us both before that we were paying Augusts rent adn she was paying the rest of July now she trying to flip that but I know too, I want Jamal to stay he is my friend, roommate an this could damage our friendship, he is with his family and they are all loud in the background get all your money back or you shouldnt have to so anything different you [aid half the rent, thats your house. BLAH but understand just DAMN IT! SO mad this situation happened at all...Hopefully meeting all at Dunkin Donuts and discuss all of it...UHHH headahe stess beer bud sleepy.

So since I have last day been here and my nieces&nephews, and twins things were at a stressful fall, and i keep myself busy with tv,weed,work,school,..funny how my horoscope says the choice is yours go through this temporary fun time or focus on what needs to be done. Now got a guy friend, we do a lot, ordered Chinese,watched some movies on demand,liq,bud,late night...its fun but a repeat of my fun short time relationship because he thinks we are in a relationship now because i slept here with him and had a great time. which leads to negative emotions and struggle later on. focus, watched latest big brother episodes and now going to nap before dinner and Spanish final exams. Damn Sam, But I Sam warned Nathan of who I am and what happens inside me. They've all the guys I warn get mad and then I remind them. They always get uneasy...I tell him take it slow he has # children. A 16yrold girl & 10 yr old twins boy&girl. I already control his moves for myself. he is doing my laundry I didn't ask him too either. He just took it and put it in. I don't know where the laundry mat is in the building. I got to get my own place then I don't need guys places for a sanctuary & break from all at moms house.

We also watched The Devils' Rejects& most of Strangeland two awesome screwed up movies.

I picked them & like them< Nathan kept saying how screwed up the movies were & Jeff came by & liked them too...Bed @12am this morning, showered and got to work...



CARMELLA







LATER AT NATHANS HOUSE NOW