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Drunk Fri & Sat night, Sandra & I are still not talking. I am strong becasue I know I have to take care of myself, and no one else with be there except myself. I am not going to Lie i am sad and angry about it but as long as I do it I will make it to the end. Happily satisfied one day. I am sad I have to fight for all now and others seem to have it so easy. Sandra got all these jeans, and I couldnt fit em anyway. I hate how I have money and no buds and almost $2494 is almost gone is 3 days. Paying all house bills, heat, rent, house needs, food, etc then $1300 to my lawyer I am broke again until OCt. 1 What is this? I make no money im broke, I make money and then its gone. I got to get a job and my own place so I can spend all my money on myself and not hlp anyone else. I help my mom whith everything and I am selfish and dont help cuz I wont give her more money for sandra etc. BS g@g sandra makes me mad...shes a spoiled lil bitch and shes not gettin nothn from me...LATER

Depressed Carmella



PS FLOS LATER SO MOOD HSOULD CHANGE

I am excited tonight tere is a double eviction on Big Bro. Michele is going home but Jerry or Ollie has to get HOH to keep themselves off the block and/or form going home. JERRY! HE will not put Ollie up and he can save himself from going up again. We will see. Dan needs to go home, asshole, liar, so Cathoic, when Ollie was raised, his father is a Pastor (im sure Southern Baptist) and he hasnt lied or betrayed anyone juststuck in back until April got sent to the jury now he's kicking ass. Joshua asked to send him nude pics of myself, it hurt my feelings, now he's showing he's a regular guy with guy instincts. I guess they all are. I said (true) I dont know where they develop them now, they dont at regular photo shops anymore, they dispose of nude or disruptive pics. Mom says get your makeover and send him nice pics. So that will be awhile, my make over is going to cost money, and time. We will see what happens. No phone, no nothing, Mom got her small check so that goes on dinner cat food cat litter and tp, I et paid tomo, long day, dentsit is tomo @ 2 court @ 9:30 am and a lot ofmoney gets spent (debs and bills) SAD but I will live, as long as the money I make lasts for the month. I applied (mailed resumes) to a few places. (newp animal hosp. for a vet tech/ vet receptionist, food and beverage dep of residentce inn hotel and maybe some other place) I swear I will walk to the hospital everyday if I get this job, it will be knowledge adn experience that will help my future, vet courses in college, becoming a vet, a receptionist job) I am happy but doubtful. One Record two no real animal experience or comp experience on my resme three I dont think they hired me before cuz I had my cats there and my uncles was just put to sleep, last name Baker, I was there with him. but they took excellent care of him and casper, very sad. Spent day with mom, library, uncles, she want to shaws (imnot allowed) have necessities and i came back to email resumes. Good Luck to me getting a job. I gave auntys number since she lives close by and they'll leave a message. My cell will be turned on tomo so my numbers on ther e too.

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Sinora
10:59 Aug 29 2008

Ahh the UK BB is also pretty exciting lol

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So I went to the bar last night, big mistake, first aunty cari mom adn I went to BJs for aunty to go shopping, I was so agurvated, Cari kept saying mom can we get this, mom, she's 27 and I was mad we were shopping with them for $187 worth of foood and we had nothing, then I didnt get one drink alst night, and aunty had 5 beers, cari had 4 vodka and tonics. I was pissed, Cari rolled her eyes at me when I was smoking aunty's stogs. Selfish Bitch. And we didnt even eat dinner there. Aunty bought us a gal of milk, loaf of bread, and packed bologna at 7-11. What the hell is that? Oh you are poor you can eat the shitty stuff. I want to steal om eof her food, I wan to rob Cari of her cashed check too, when if she gets it. ROBBED Bitch. Go cry to aunty for money now, my money's all gone, wawawa! I cant, I was so pissed, I was grateful for dinner (bolgna sandwich nd the 4 cans of catfood, half last night, half this morning) Mom adn I wanted egs for egg salad and 711 had none. mom was not happy, and aunty had maybe 36 or more in the back seat, couldnt offer a few. I have to think positive, we had bologna for dinner, negative, they had steaks and side dishes and shit. Am I supposed to be grateful??? Like the rich person crossing the poor and giving em a penny or a piece of change? I am, cuz im not im pissed, no money no nothing and struuggling all month. I am waiting for Friday, its coming, but im sick. G2G I willm make it.

Yesturday was a bad day, after arguing with my mom all morning, her callin gme a retard, I didnt talk to her, then Uncle Tom took me to BK and I got her and Sandra burgers, mom didnt eat half of hers, and Sandra was so rude. Then Sandra and I got in a fistfight after she called me a slut, shes my 16 sept 27 year old sister, Uncle Butch broke usup. We both cried, I cried cuz of what she said, I dont know why she cried and havent talked to her since, she has been staying at my aunts. Shes a spoiled lil bitch. I told mom im not paying rent, sandra can pay it shes your daughter, everyone said it was ok to call me a slut cuz I called her a bitch I DONT THINK SO ! Well I went to the bar with aunty, mom, cari, and uncle tom and had 3 drinks watched big brother savedm ytacos for breakfast and went to bed. the house is fine beside the kitchen (not trashed but not thoroug either) I got up at 9 took a shower, the kids came by at 10 and I was happy to see them, jord and mark, mark took back his shawn micheals and I said im not getti gn him a bday gift (nov23) and he said fine then your not coming to my party. Of course ill get him a gift bu t im mad he took the wrestler on my cuby that help up jords pic, one holds his up too. Then they came back for Janies flipflops, shes s greedy bitch and she cares nothng for her family. I talked to Ivan last night, and things dont look well. His family wants to meet me and me to spend christmas there, but we are not together at all. How do I let him know theres nothing between us without losing my chance to go to NC. He told his whoel family everywhere, he wants to marry me, but theres no way, not for us. And I think im going to hurt our friendship, Kerry and I stopped talking when i said we were not togerther, friend from middle school whos now in army alaska. No friends, fam got paid, im looking at caris purse as target, shes selfish too and olins but he has his money in his pocket or in his rm when hes in there. Mom haws to ask aunty for milk bread and eggs til Friday, anad then we may not be getting food stamps cuz book was late, thats fucking up my month, my bills and our house. I will not starve like this month, with pancakes over and over, and the cats having nasty uncle ray hard food or hamburger cooked. my poor babies suffered this month too. got to get a few cans off aunty too. I hate going without like this. No one cares. Uncle Ray cares, he pushes us to eat there and gives us stuff, aunt jane tells us eat there, but mom doesnt allow it when they are not rich, but have a business so lots of bills on top of there paychecks. G2G LATER CARMELLA

Mom went to church, I cleaned the house cept bathroom adn kitchen. Mom and I got in a fight on te way walking to Auntys. I hate cops thats what I said, she started freaking about bobby, the flyers, me being stupid and she called me retarded, so Im mad at her. I went with uncle tom to hess adn BK for olin adn mali, uncle offered me food too so I bought 2 burgers, and 2 spicy chicken off $1.00 menu, for me mom and sandra. Now im back here and bored with one stog left (took 3 from oln's pack.) Everyone is broke, the shop didnt get checks friday due to customers who havent paid. (they pay for the3 stuff customers order, customers pay when they pick up whatever they needed. So im waiting for the 2nd maybe even the sat. before ill get my check, the 1st being a holiday. LIFE SUCKS. Im waiting for North Carolina. SOON ENOUGH. LATER

Im not in jail, my crime was cause for a civil lawsuit not crimnal charges. I admitted it anyway, they had a dvd recording from the club. The detective was rude and threatened to have warrants over the phone for me and my mom. Sandra and I walked to the MPD. He was nice was warned filled out a statement and left. He said he will talk to Kevin Buck one owner of many of the board of the Newport Athletic CLub. He said he'd also talk to bobby, I asked hed state to bobby to not have contact with my uncle and there will no further anything towards bobby or the business. Keebler were to have plans but he was "sick" I belive him he had gone to the doctors earlier yesturday. He hasnt called me today either. I pray to go the bar. Jacob adn I saw eachother for a half hour just drove around and smoked a stog. I have dreams about school now, I guess I miss it. I still have lots of nightmares. I went to my 2nd cousins bday party (mali-turned 5) at third beach, nice, hermit crabs, schools of tiny fish, good sun. I go tburned on my shoulders but thats it. I gto really shaky and twitchy but just held my nephew Memphis, and relaxed under a sun umbrella. Now im fine. I completed my first spanish exam, it went well except one part you do will class or other spanish students. No luck so I guesed and stated if wrong please explain how to do it. My cousin is about to bet buds. LAter

So I am probably going back to jail Monday, I am hiding out for the weekend though I will not get by in court. I put up posters of Bobby's reputation over the club, mom's probably getting fired too because of it, apparently they got it on camera. The club may be pressing charges. Bobby cant its the truth of his reputation. I am sick and scared. ACI here I come magain. and I said I wasnt ever going back, didnt tihnk police could get involved. MOms pised and sick and so angry with me. I am the immature one, the luanatic, couldnt let it go, it was because he easedropped on moms talk with the boss I let it go then found out he was talking to uncle Ray. He did it and im paying for my reactions. consequences for actions and reactions. DAMN might not be writing for awhile. Got to hideout at uncle rays now. Hope he calls while im there. G2G

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Morrigon
22:10 Aug 23 2008

Uh yeah, file a suit against someone if they wronged you. Otherwise, putting up posters is called slander. It's obnoxious and a stupid way to get back at someone.

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So im upset find ing out Bobby calls uncle ray. And my tarot card was Justice and spoke of Karma. Damn I go tkarma coming, I was bad today but cant say it until I amn sure I dont get blamed or get aw ay with it...Keebler wants to hang out again, I thought of bringing Sandra cuz shed probably like hanging out with him , and thinking about it im scared of hanging out with him im scared he hasnt gotten over the robbery and something bad could happen. Wow im scared to hang with keebler. I am...I did it to myself, but also he used to pull my hair out and try to kiss me and I wasnt liking him like that, hes cool but not man or sex material. So tomorrow or Saturday night??? I want to drink but not with sandra and keebler or just keebler alone. I dont think I can hit the club again without a membership which I get on the first. Havent studied, walked to SSI office from cumbys and then to the middletown library (its a long walk) Im getting exercise I want to lose 35 lbs. I am getting this free green tea trial in the mail in 5 days for weight loss and then on the first, the water pil and total balance herb supplement. I cant wait until the first. I hate being broke but hey we got dinner tonight, and mom bought me minutes. COOL! I saw Nikki today told her I was stressed, the nightmares, bob talking to uncle ray (OWW IM MAD) But I told uncle ray im ok, I will get bob to stop talking to him. karma is a bitch. its comign back to metoo though. g2g hungry LATER

So I am nervous I am going to have a boring night. I got my Spanish in the mail and its so hard, I thought it would be a little more understanding, I cnat find the activities it says on certain pages (page # in English) its confusing, But i have this learnign Spanish for dummies I hope it helps, or my attention helps. I am going ot uncles again for soemthing to do. I got this email I won 10 million bucks and this info on the revenrend I won it from (some prize from afican bank to the world bank) I printed all its contents, always do for my own security not trying to have trouble with the law. I dont believe it, could my family possibly be handed $10,000,000.00 out the blue??? Could my mother's God and my God and Goddess actually bless us financially??? My mom could retire and do whatever she wants, Sandra ans I could get throuhg college, we'd have a house and cars, Id have a chaffuer, and wed all have our teeth fixed and be beautiful and debt free??? It cant be real, no one would believe it I dont I am just going to lay back and not think about it. Nothing new except Big Bro Jerry almost won POV, Dan did and couldnt use it cuz Renny said hed be a traitor and she didnt follow the alliances nominations so they didnt have to follow her POV rules either but he could have been nominated taking Jerry off the block. Uh nothing else...LATER

Well Big Brother Power of Veto is on tonight @ 9 something to look forward too. We got bologna or PB&J for dinner, something and Welch's juice so I am grate ful for that. I am sad and humiliated Janie found a few things I took from her house, I tole her I was too embaressed to ask. I told mom b4 anyone else could, she was mad knowing Janie told everyone. I am not going there for a long time. She has a lot of nerve to sauy she has nothing, we had nothing, water, no bread, milk, eggs, dinner, ate the last of pancakes only add water...She had all above plus juice, soda, snacks, milk, bread, eggs, took the lb of bologna, (kelsey dont eat pork so hope fully it will be unnoticed) they had ham lunchmeat, shepherds pie for dinner, I was so hungry I ate soem chicken from MArks cold left over lunch. and dinner. I am sad about it but I was mad too. Its ok...Baby Memphis is beautiful & big & fat, and I got a pic of him too, she gave me and Mark. theres a beautiful pic of MArk and Memphis too. Marky is jealous of memphis, I told him all about how I felt toward Sandra for years after she was born, now I want to knock her teeth out, that teenage bitch stage where she is rude and stay out of my life, its my life attutude. SO the hosue bobby and I robbed a few years ago was my friend's, and we knew that, thats why we did it, we knew about the safe, then boby went back and got busted and admitterd the whole thing including me. Big Coward. Anyway I said sorry a million times and blamed it all on bobby, shit hes married now so whatever, dont think he'll be bobbys friend again. But he wrote me, name Keebler, my nick name for him and he wrote me on myspace saying I forgive you its ok annd he wants to hangout and see Sandra. She will be happy. I am scared, I dont trust him not to do sometihng back to me. He is living with girl, nasty thing, nasty babys dad too. Whatever, hes happy. nothing new cept that and im alright in my books, ow walked to uncle rays after doc apt, and then to newport presc to pcick up meds then Janies and stayed there Stacey gave me a ride at 10:30-11 whenever sEan got off and walked to Janies. Stace is exhausted and looks like shit. Glad im not having no kids, be infertile for awhile after this shot anyway. I wonder if I will be abke to have kids. MAybe. Maybe I will marry Joshua. Theres a lot of maybes and ifs in my life. LATER

So I was ditched last night by my Aunt & Uncle who left me hoem and sad all night and bored. I had to go hang out with Ambry and talk about being bored and stuff for a few hours. IT sucked. I hit a roach when I got there and felt good for a while then it was judt uh sitting around watching cable, but I have to follow her around because I can only be there for her company or she will throw a fit. I was so sad ans ten angry and then bored. I had nightmares last night (mom told me not watch horror movies but they dont relate to my nightmares and are not the cause of them) I see my psychologist Monday to switch ambien to ambien cr and refill all my meds. I am almost out of celexa and trileptal and need to refill my lamictal so I dont fall behind on those. I feel so nausous cuz I only had a slimfast with my meds. I need to eat and we are so broke. I want to go rob some money off my neighbor or sister JAnie, but I have no way of getting to Janies and mom cant be around for me to go use the neighbors phone. (I dont need him knocking asking about his money you know) I need to corner my uncle for money but I owe my aunt $60 from bail so she wouldnt let me and I am sure she made an announce ment of it after we hung up the phone. I just foudn out through te Newport Daily News that Shantel Bailey, a girl everyone loved that was nice to all and had future goals would have turned 21 Tuesday, but a speeding car took her life while crossing West Main Road one night to go home. It affected the Aquidneck Island mostly Newport And Middletown, everyone knows everyone and everyone knew asnd liked her. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHANTEL!!!

Court again, again delayed for two weeks, Cort is trying to make it no restitution so he can get his money cuz if I got to pay half thats his money delayed for another 4 months. The case is being dismissed whether or not I pay restsitution. I dont want to have to pay that family nothing, I want his dad to rot in hell too, no good drunk bastard weho can live with out 3200 dollars. His son took it and he wants me to pay for it of course his son cant pay it back. At least I dont have a felony on my record, Cort knows im poor so he is making sure I dont hurt myself in the future from section 8 and stuff. I can only affordhim becasue he took my second case when he didnt have too cuz I hadnt payed him a penny since the first case, but my SSI retro goes to him, exactly 2000 and I am keeping like $600 of it and pay him the rest with my next check, no choice, I got to pay him, he will be happy and satisfied, I also need some extra money to clear my credit and get me out of debt. So I got up at 7:20, took a shower, fed the cats, mom got up too and went with me to Dunking DOnuts and decided to take the bus int own with me. Walked to court at 9:20 then left like 10 min later, hung out at Janies with the kids and Baby Memphis. Janie started bitching, mom did too, and then mom kidnapped Jordyn lol (took her without Janies' permission cuz shes mean to her and jord didnt want to stay. And Stace wasnt there adn didnt answer her phones. Now were at the library. I am so scared Aunty's going to dumop me and not take me to the club tonight, I will be so depresed and sick its not funny, I am so scared shes going to blow me off. I eed to borrow $50 off her or Uncle Tom for min, stogs, and to have some drinks tonite. LATER

So I got up late, so did mom, and we started our day showering, and going to get her check, cash it, lunch with Tacey at Wendys (really helps me lose weight and what chose do I have when I hadnt eaten at all?) So I looked up diuretic herbs and stuff for water retention, found some tihngs I will buy and take (but im so sick of taking all these damn pills, I hate lamictal still cuz its the pill that gets stuck and leaves that nasty chalky taste in your throat) But it will be easier when im off the antibiotics...So the Water Pill for water retention and total balance for the supply of herbs and natural supplements I need for my body and pure fish oil, and I have my daily vitamins I stopped taking adn started gaining weight. I read 3/15 women like and others have bad side effects to the depo, some love it but havent been on it long enough to receive bad effects, I have been on it 21 months and just gained 25 ibs in the last month, I am sick and have tummy pains, I look like im pregant and im nauseous all the time, I am sick of being on the depo but I hate pills and take enough, also I love not having my period but that is water sticking in your system is what makes us gain the weight. I also have to find a pill suitable for my body and that will not cut off my other meds. Came to the library after lunch and been here since. So a few hours. I have been looking up depo, what happens when you off it, how to lose depo weight...ETC...LATER



PS saw bob at moms job and he through his stuff away and ran to the other sideof the gym, loser...I am fine just smiled my big smile at him like you are a loser and im happy without you...He pouts, tries to look mad but its big pout. WHATEVER< I am so happy I have a life to myself, no spouse, no drugs, no stds, no kids, no responsibity except to myself...Jacob called im out not. maybe well hang out, maybe not.

I went out to the bar meting aunt Jane there and had a few drinks, smoked a lil bud, went to hili and we all hit the button repeat the bet taking turns. It was fun, had a piece of pizza and drank some more. I love hanging out with aunty, she was the one drunk last night, and Pam drove. SHe will not be goingout tinght, I dont think. I got news pics I took of the twins today. I got min, nothing else but im ok. I dont know whta to do today, and there was not a flea on me or I seen through the night and all day. YEA! Mellow, Melon and Mocha all sleep with me now. On my bed around my head or wrapped next to my shoulders. Poor Melon was terrified when the twins showed up. I am at the library now with mom had a grilled cheese and iced coffee and that was good. Spanish 1 is on its way to my house and I am happpy bout that, cuz i brought up needing 2 years of a launguage to go to college. I want to go to a real college with real people. But i want to change firsat, get my teeth done and lose weight and get my hair layered, and be hot to myself and not date just do school...Yeah cool, have a night a week with all girls, drinks, pizza and a good horror movie or movie we all agree on. Or maybe I will get my own place near a college. Yeah, right, college is a fortune plus rent and bills, not rich. Off again. LAter

So just disconnected and have to rewrite. Ok Ambry came back again with her lil sister, and I waslike cool, but dont stick with her or chill forever at her house, and her kittens all died, There were four, one was supposed to go to Uncle ray. Nope now. I am happy she comes to my house like im loved or wanted or needed for company and friendship, like I felt like towards her for so long. Now I want to be with my aunt or with her and my mom the time now. Jacob, the evil person came back around, uncle gave him the # (took awhile for him to givw it up) Jacob's wife left him. He is sad adn sick and suicidal. He is also a coward, but i was too towards suicide for a long time, until I realized I couldnt leave my kids behind (niecec&nephews) to grow up an dknow and not comprehend why I took my ownlife. No doubt it would be a secret, it would be known through all. No Craig, its cool. Matt calls almost everyday and writes more often, we keep it steady letters going back and forth. Joshua called too, and IO asked him if he really loved me, "Yeah, I really think I do" he said, I was so happy. I got drunk again with my aunt her bff Pam my uncle tomm sunday nite, and we went to hili, the club, flos, and IHop it was awesome. I had a great tiome. Bad news, Bobby mesed up big time, now, he upset my mom easedroppin gon her chat with boss, it upset her, adn I am not having that, so I have to put karma a lil into my own hands. I know his life, and his past rep. Child melestation charges working at the YMCA, criminal, theft, mental, domestic, violent, coookoo. Oh he's not working there much longer. NOT NOW! Damn him upsetting my mom she got enough shit not him. Oh g2g start plotting. LATER

I am alright, Ambry came last night, and was like Jen has bud and she's not mad at me anymore so I was like cool. I went to her house for a lil while smoked a joint and my last few stogs and went to bed. Big Brother Eviction is on at 11:30 on Fox tonight due to football, DAMNIT, Jesse is going home. He better. I am well, except I slept all day cuz I dont sleep at night, and Sandra got dentist at 1 tomo. Crystal emailed me, I was so worried about her. I stil am, dont know whats going on. I need to talk to her. Uncle Ray is ok hew ill be getting a white kitten with a gray spot between its ears in bout 5 weeks, and I am thrilled I found em. Ambry's mortimer had 4, one died, and Mama Kitty is PG again. Poor cats need to be spaded not good for their bodies to have more and more babies... Rain again, all moring then sun came out and now again. Ok I dont mind the rain cept I only have flipflops and have to go out in it. Spider bite is shrinking, more antibiotics, four times a day, the other for ear infections is 2x a day but huge pills. I am tired, overtired, slept til 6:45 off &on then walked to my aunts to get out and get some fresh air. Cool LAter

So I had no nightmares about Casper and can still eat. So thats good. I worry about Uncle Ray now, he will soon comeout of shock losing Casper and seeing him dead then he will over eat or not eat at all. He is worried about his other cat Midnigt going into depression and losing her too or her getting ill. I am happy I was with him to be there for him and cry with him. He needed somene and I was there, I am always there for him and he is always there for me. We are strong and we will make it through this. He will be getting another kitten or two to let Casper go. I told my only outsied cat to runaway if she is ill because I wish to not go throughthe experience of witnessing a dead animal or dead anything with cold empty eyes. I am ok today, tired, and my bite on my leg is still red, hot, swollen, and now the skin is wrinkly and rawlike. ER or docs today its been 4 days since Saturday pulling up my aunts rotting fence. I will live. G2G Craig's gone, Joshua and I van have been in close touch. I miss Joshua so much. How I would love his arm saround me, look me in my eyes and tell me im beautiful over and over. I am alone for now with onlly my mother to cling too and my aunt. Its lonely but y school will be back sooon, and I can read again. LATER

My Uncle's cat Casper was put to sleep today. He was almost 15 yrs old and diagnosed with cancer Saturday. I stayed with my uncle and we watched him go. But his eyes didnt stay closed, you could see in his eyes and there was nothing there, the worse feeling of seeing something/ some one you love just gone, there, but dead. I am so sad and so sick from watching this, but I had to be there for my uncle, his cats were like his children, and no one else (not his own kids) was there for him. SO I was.

Good bye Casper Baker you are missed greatly already...

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LadyKrystalynDarkstar
01:29 Aug 05 2008

I know this pain all too well. I hug you and your uncle. You will see Casper Baker again some day ... that is for sure!

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SO I have stuck to my mommy and my aunt jane We went to the bar last night, to dinner, and to hili...It was awesome even thoguh i spent money irresponsibly, school, heat, Janie, mom and JOrdyn's bday bks are paid for. I have 40 left, but mom is to give me 30 tomo lent her 30 at hili. I was so smashed last night, smoked a blunt on the way to the bar, then had 3 vodka and pineapple, 3 vodka and cranberyy at the bar, a pina colada, and mudslide at 99 and half an alabama slammer at hili. I was smashed. And I must get minutes and m/os mailed out first thing tomorrow. Things look up with school. The fleas are being handled. I have a bug bite on my leg (maybe spider, allergic reaction though) and tis hot and large and swollen and itches and burns and its obvious. So hosp for that. g2g Things go up and down, I will survive...

Carmella