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So I went to church and it was awesome, but skipped the barbeque for Cousin's 21st birthday party. And Stacey's oriental spaghetti beats any food at that bbq. We smoked, drank, mingled. Then Matt, Stacey's boyfriend, took off with Jordyn, Jayanna, ANd memphis and didnt tell anyone. Stacey just lit a blunt in the spare bedroom when the phone rang. Matt crashed the car, totaled it and the kids were rushed by ambulances to ER! Everyone is alright and injuries were not severe even though the blood made it look&feel worse. When we realized (Stacey took Janie's truck to accident scene.) Well Janie had to catch a ride to hospital too. Mom freaked out she was going, those are her grandkids. She went with Janie, Anthony and my cousin Melissa who drove them to scene. By that time, Stacey had called again to tell Janie go directly to hospital. What a disaster. I got stuck at my aunts. And listen to everyone say whatever they wanted to say bout Matt and mom and Janie. Cari and I cried but I stopped fast, shaky I was, called Cassandra who had no clothes 2g2 party but went to hospital. I didnt know until she called me for Uncle tom to take Stacey 2 her car for stuff in car. Uncle Tom said where is it? Stacey said Never F***in mind. Then Janie said shell go and Uncle Tom snuck off to do it. SO i waited with Stacey's blunt she threw at mom for phone calls. I wanted to smoke, my head was pounding and I was shaky and terrified. THOSE KIDS ARE MY ENTIRE LIFE! I THANK GOD EVERY SECOND FOR KEEPING THEM SAFE. JAYANNA HAD 2 STITCHES ABOVE HER EYE BUT THAT CUT CAUSED ALL THE BLOOD AND MADE EVERYONE FREAKOUT MORE SEEING THE BLOOD, MEMPHIS HAD AN EGG KNOT ON HIS HEAD, THEY TIED HIM DOWN AND GAVE HIM A NECKBRACE, JORDYN GOT HIT WITH THE AIRBAG AND HAD TO BE EXAMINED. MATT SHOULDVE BEEN EXAMINED, STACEY SAID HE WAY MRI AND STUFF I DONT THINK SO. BUT THE LOOK WAS WORSE THAN THE INJURIES. I WAITED FOR JANIE&ANT TO LEAVE. I WENT WITH THEM BACK TO JANIES AND CALLED NATHAN, SHE CALLED EVERY1 SHE COULD THINK OF (JANIE ANN DID) TO REPEAT IT OVER&OVER. CASEY WAS THE BEST SPORT AND IT WAS HER PARTY, SHE HAD EVERY REASON TO CRY&STRESS & DIDNT! SHE BEAUTIFUL CASEY IS! CASEY STUCK UP FOR MATT HE DIDNT NEED ANY MOUTHS WHEN HE CRASHED & WAS PROBABLY A WRECK HIMSELF. BLAME? HIS FAULT-SPEED, PLACE, SECOND ETC BUT ITS OK! EVERY1 SAFE THEY PROBABLY DEALING WITH CAR ISSUE NOW EVERY1 HOME SAFE! TODAY I CALLED OUT OF WORK DIDNT SLEEP WELL LAST NIGHT. MICHAEL LOUISIANA CALLED TODAY NICE TO HEAR HIS VOICE OF COMFORT! HE ASKING BOUT WEATHER CUZ HELL BE HERE THIS WEEKEND. ALIBI? STACEY? NOT NOW IDTHINKSO! HE MAY BE ABLE TO READ SO G2HURRY! I CALLED UNCLE RAY LAST NIGHT TOO AND TOLD HIM! JANIE ANN GOT STUPID DRUNK AND HAD TO START TALKING BOUT HER MOLESTATION LIKE OVER 20 YEARS AGO. AND BOUT WHO DID IT! DISASTER! MOM&AUNTY HAD ARGUMENT B4 THEY GOT 2 HER HOUSE! CASEY BROUGHT THE BUD! BUD DIDNT DO A DAMN THING FOR ME YESTERDAY FOR MY HEAD OR TRAUMA ANY WAY! TODAY WENT TO CHURCH FOR LUNCH AND FOOD BANK CUZ OUT OF EVERYTHING TIL WED. FOOD STAMPS! WELL FOOD BANK HELPED US GET THROUGH TODAY&TOMORROW! TEXTING AS MOM TO HER COWORKER TRADE SHIFTS TOMO. WENT TO OBGYN AGAIN FOR CHAT ON LEEP PROCEDURE TO REMOVE ABNORMAL CELLS & GROW NORMAL CELLS AND HAVE NORMAL CLEAN PAP SMEARS AND STOP CANCER CELLS BEFORE THEY START BASICALLY! SO THATS PLANNED FOR MAY 30TH! HOPING 2G2 NEW HAMPSHIRE STILL BUT DEPENDS REALLY ALL ON JIM! INDIANA SNEAKING INN FOR REAL! IM SO OUT OF RHODE ISLAND VACATION FOR AS LONG AS I CAN. BACK TO WORK 9-1 TOMORROW SO THINGS OKAY. DUTCH&I IN TOUCH NOW HE KNOWS BOUT ACCIDENT SO DOES MICHAEL. NATHANS MICHAEL PUT MUSIC ON MY CELL TODAY TOO COOL! NOW I CAN LISTEN TO MUSIC...THANK YOU LORD FOR KEEPING MY KIDS SAFE(THE CHILDREN OF MY HEART)

$93 check, $20 left to eat til Tuesday night. Wed. food stamps. He sleeps now. We were up late watching our tv series and the movie Lincoln. Then bed. I stayed in bed late. He was up early now im up & showered and awake and he sleeps. I could be a bitch and smoke the rest my bud but I am not, waiting til later to smoke with him. He went and got a sausage,egg&cheese on a crouissont and chocolate chip chocolate muffin. Our breakfast. Got to eat or throw up my meds, only done that twice. This is a battlefield, and I have no air. Its all his air. I talked to Uncle. How do I live this way? He needs to work on his issues but he won't. I can keep bringing it up and mention it. For us. Our future. Our together. Tomorrow my cousin turns 21, birthday party at my aunts house. Making a collage from my mom cuz I can pay for one right now. My last papsmear turned abnormally bad where I have to meet and discuss it with my obgyn, Dr.Rosenthal. Sick. I fear cervical cancer, any cancer really. But I would rather have it then my Uncles, mother, loved ones. so much but so little. I have all I need and more. Some have nothing at all. Nothing. I try to learn to be grateful now and more in control of myself my negative emotions. Today, plans to feed mom's cats and meet her and make a collage from her for my cousin (my idea lol) was going too for her and made it for Uncle Ray birthday. Uncle Ray said pay half hell pay half and not worry bout paying him back cuz I take care of him. That makes me cry but out of love for him. And what he does. for me. He is the man of my life. Forever. And he must be alive for my true marriage and child's life. My child must know my Uncle Ray. Who else would they have? Depends on father I guess. Maybe no birth children from me anyway. bored, waiting for him to wake up I guess, I think he waiting for me to leave. Odd. anyway back to youtube.

UP&DOWN, BLACK&WHITE, HIS WAY OR THE HIGHWAY. I AM SICK SAD WITH THE HEAD RUSH FROM THE STRESS AND FEAR. "YOU NEED TO GO ON, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE, WHY YOU STILL HERE? GO LIVE HERE OR THERE. YOUR MOTHERS UNCLES COUSINS JUST GO" ON AND ON AND IT HURTS AND I CRY AND IT DOESNT MATTER. I WENT WITH HIS PERMISSION TO TIMMYS LAST NIGHT AND DIDNT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM SO OBVIOUSLY I WAS SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE IF I DONT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. ITS PAINFUL, MENTALLY WHICH DRAINS ME PHYSICALLY, AND HE EMOTIONALLY CUTS ME DOWN. I DIDNT WANT TO GO TO HIS BROTHERS, JUST STAY HOME BUT WHEN I MENTION GOING OUT WITHOUT HIM ITS WAR. VERBAL SHUTDOWN. I STAYED HOME. OH 2 HOUSR I WAS GONE FROM LIKE 730-940 BUT HE SAYS I WAS OUT TIL 11 AND BLA...WAR. I TRY TO STAY OUT, BLOCK HIM OUT, AND I HAVE BEEN BUT HE ATTACKS STILL. IM TRASH. HE MAKING ME FAT SO OTHERS DONT WANT ME HE SAID. SO HELL ONLY WANT ME. MOMMY SAID OTHER GUYS LIKE US BIG WOMAN. IM BIGGER THAN HER NOW. GOT BUTT BOOBS AND BELLY AND WANT MY BELLY GONE. THE SENSA ONLINE DIET WILL NOT TAKE A PREPAID DEBIT FOR THEIR FREE TRIAL. I TRIED. IM GOING ON SLIMFAST WITH MY FOOD STAMPS NOW. TOLD HIM DINNER WILL BE EARLIER. SO I CAN WEAR A NICE TANKINI. MOVIES. WE WATCH A NEW TV SERIES, HORROR COMEDY GHOST, WEREWOLF&VAMPIRE LIVE TOGETHER IN A HOUSE. WE WATCHED A HORROR MOVIE TONIGHT JUST BEFORE HE LEFT CALLED JACOB. SCARY. GOOD SCENES. SAD. HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SOMETHING IM NOT. HOW CAN I MAKE HIM SEE? WE ARE BETTER THAN THE WAY WE ARE LIVING. HE IS A PARANOID SCHITZOPHRENIC. I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF I LOVE HIM THATS WHY IM STILL HERE...TRUE OR NOT...THIS IS HOME AT THIS TIME. COCKATIEL. OH HAVENT MENTIONED HE WANTS A COCKATIEL. MAX I NAMED HIM ALREADY YOUNG TERRITORIAL BEAUTIFUL BIRD. SO WE GOT ALL SET UP TO ORDER CAGE & ACCESSOR- IES BEFORE WE BUY HIM. AT RHODE ISLAND AQUARIUM&PET SHOP I THINK. IM SUPPOSED TO BE PAYING RENT THIS MONTH AND HE GOING TO PAY FOR MAX&MAX' NEEDS. IM STILL IN MISERY...

MICHAEL SUPPOSED TO BE HERE NEXT WEEKEND. BUT BEING PAYDAYS AND SHOULD HAVE OUR OLDEST DAUGHTER BLOCKS IT, MAKES IT HARDER TO GO ENJOY THE WEEKEND. HE CALLING NOW SEE IF IM HERE OR TELL ME LEAVE AGAIN. GOT TO SHOW TOUGH MEAN MAN IN FRONT OF HI9S BROTHER. RIGHT THE FIRST TIME, CHECKING IF IM NOT HOME. HAMSTER LOCK THE CAGE. ME. I SAW BRYAN TODAY. AND WHISPERED WITH HIM FOR A MINUTE BEFORE GOING BACK OUTSIDE TO NATHAN. NATHAN SAW BRYAN AND HIS EYES WENT GRR ANGRY SHOCK. SOMETHING. JEALOUSY, RAGE, HATE, NOT POSITIVE EMOTION BUT LIKE WANT HIM TO VANISH LIKE MY OTHER EXES VANISHED. I LOVE BRYAN. THE MAN I THOUGHT BRYAN WAS. I DONT KNOW WHO BRYAN IS IF THE MAN I LOVE IS INSIDE HIM OR A COVER. I DONT KNOW. I MAY NOT KNOW. NOT NEED TO KNOW. HAPPINESS? WHERE ARE YOU MY HAPPINESS? WAS BRYAN MY HAPPINESS? IF ITS TRUE & REAL IT WILL COME TOGETHER IN THE END. FOR NOW GOING TO EP THEN APARTMENT HUNTING...G2SAVE2GO...JUNE NEW HAMPSHIRE POSSIBILITY EXCITING BUT SCEPTICAL KNOWING IT MAY NOT HAPPEN AT ALL. BUT DUTCH IS ALREADY COVERING FOR ME TO COME THERE AND PLAY OFF NH OR JUST SWAP BETWEEN DUTCH AND JIM, THE ONE I CALL MY DADDY. STILL. ANYWAY...WHAT HAPPENS HAPPENS. JUST GOT TO BE STRONG STRAIGHT POSITIVE GOOD AND I HAVE BEEN AND STILL CAN BE. DAMN IM TRAPPED IN MY OWN MISERY...

HAPPY THOUGHTS-I LOVE WORK-THE PEOPLE I WORK WITH MAKE ME FEEL HAPY BEAUTIFUL CARED FOR, AND IM EXCITED 2G2 MY COUSINS 21ST BDAY PARTY SUNDAY. GOING 2 BUY SOME MIKE MARGHARITAS AND MAKE SOME PICS OUT FOR MY COUSIN...IM BRINGING HIM AND YOU CAN READ I DONT WANT TOO NOW WITH HOW HE ACTS. BUT I MOST LIKELY WILL STILL BE GOING WITH HIM. AFTER CHURCH WHICH I LOVE. GOODNIGHT VR

YES CAUGHT BOSTON MARATHON BOMBERS!!! Still worry who's going to do what next. Unfortunately. Church tomorrow, need the Lord in my life, heart, soul, body, mind, spirit, beside & inside me...Dutch called. "Kidneys failing, most likely I will be dead in year&half" Unfortunately I seen him as pathological liar as my dad too. Achey with tension in back muscles, shoulders and neck. UGH! LATE Baby Girl meds in morning too. By 9am latest. 8pm latest. He passed out cold. Long weekend. Back to work. This weekend coming up Michael will be here in Providence. Not as often emailing he did. Still need stacey as alibi. Or Megan. As long as I can trust her to keep to her word. He awake or coughing could be awake soon. NIGHT

Ditched Matt, cuz asking Nathan to visit him on his birthday went no, so I stuck with him today. Tomo is Matt's official birthday so I got see him tomo.

Texas had a fertilizer plant explode after the Boston Marathon Bombings...Lives torn apart. I must be grateful for the fact my family&loved ones are safe. And I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL! But still hurting. For the lives lost, taken, or torn in to pieces literally. School, what's that? I got to get exam 8 done. I got a book Shadow of Night in large print in the mail today which is the copy I needed to go back to the library since I lost the original library book. Grateful, need the library. Got to pay late fees though and a $158 VET bill. BILLS BILLS BILLS! Got 3 crabs&2 lobsters steaming, got from neighbor, cool. Had sex with him and 2 orgasms...Got to go to Mom's and give Baby Girl(cat) medicine tonight and tomo morning&every day til the medicine is all gone. Baby had an infected canine the vet pulled and said that was causing her all that pain and the antibiotics will heal her jaw. She needs a complete cat dental because she is 16 years old. (14) on vet sheet. The vet sheet was screwed up but settled now. Uncle Ray is going to pay the first $75 bill and I want to cry with joy that he did that. I know it took mom to bite off his head and cry but he gave in. I only needed it to be on his pay plan not him pay but he paying first bill and said pay him back $25 a month back to him and I am so happy he did it. I am very down & depressed, think its cuz period comi9ng. The surgery confused me whether I had my period or not cuz the blood and where it was coming from. Im tired but I napped today for a few hours. got long day tomorrow too. As long as his brother car done at shop then Warwick & new cell we go, come whatever...LATER



Michael supposed to be here in May well missed his only call and he is not emailing me as often...UHHH???

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ladykate
01:39 Apr 19 2013

I'll be the nice and tell you this is way to much information

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I have that lump still but have been digesting food fine and eating fine. BOSTON MARATHON BOMBINGS is a HUGE DEAL to me living in Newport RI, and my sister living in Fall RIver, MAss. not an hour from bombing site. Scares the hell out of me. I do not want my kids to go anywhere. But they are 11&17. I let my 11 yearolds go to park alone now, park across the street and they have keys and eachother. They all asleep now. SO late. But so much to write. I am miserable. Still. But the bombings sites were horrifyin pictures of people laid across the ground and blood and metal pieces everywhere with medical and police personnel everywhere too. Just the scenes can make someone cry or throw up or scream or something. $50,ooo reward for help leading to arrests. This was a terrorist attack. I am sure it is our own sick demented humans in the US who did this and learned from the online Taliban info guide how to make a bomb in your kitchen. I am sure the US government will blame terrorists outside the country. But with NO SUSPECTS AT ALL & NO ONE IN CUSTODY I AM SCARED FOR MY FAMILY IN MASS & HERE IN RI, Connecticut shootings, Mass bombs, closer and closer to Newport and I am scared. You don't know its safe outside or inside. It scary. I would like $50,000 and I would like those all responsible caught and taken off the streets and off the internet. WHO DID THIS? WHERE ARE THEY THAT ARE RESPONSIBLE? Are those responsible watching the chaos and laughing making jokes about it. Are they hiding scared of getting caught? Or out in the open enjoying their lives while our country and New England & BOSTON linger in misery chaos confusion fear and loss. Loss of loved ones, children, loss of the marathon happy emotions of success not terror...Well off to bed. Just want them caught and taken off the streets wherever they are, they can be causing more damage now...I am scared for my family, kids, sisters, nieces, nephews, mommy of course, uncle ray my family. Is my kids going to have a school shooting or bomb threat? FEAR. INSIDE.



Nathan&I up&down, but my insides fear for my children, all the children of my heart. Their safety. DAMN!!! LORD LIFT UP OUR NATION!

Recovery is a long, painful, time-consuming, process. I am enduring it now. Back to work tomorrow and I am happy but when i go poop I go in to pain where I can not cry but feel the burning. And if not home I can not take a sitz butt-bath and that makes more chance of infection. They gave me 3 days worth motrin 600mg which helps pain of inflammation and 40 vicodin. PROBLEM: I need something for inflammation. Tomorrow a week since surgery and lump is a swollen lump in my hole below my genital area. And it burns to laugh, cry, cough, move one way or another, sit down or stand up. This lump is something they had to remove. Polyps everyone keeps asking, I said No IDK but it began with f, think firmaments or something. Surgery went well, but recovery since no motrin has been horrible. I didnt sleep last night, neither did he. Nightmares off the wall, and he was up, down , here, there, here, where, everywhere. I was hott but trying to secure myself in covers. He shouldnt be sleeping, he g2g meds in morning when I go work. I saw Bryan&Christina today. We nodded acknowledgements to each other. Nathan watched my eyes the entire time we seen Bryan til we got off bus. And Bryan got off before us. My Pain, can he see? See how much I truly love&was happy then? Can he see where my heart lies? Either of them. I dont know. It dont matter I left for Nathan, a non house hopping, starving situation. Truth. I need to eat with meds, I need to sleep-but I slept, well, and was happy, and laughed so much I couldnt smoke cigarettes, Nathan got me over with pot. Yes he did. Every day. Then cheated, then went back. DAMN MYSELF! But I am here, alive, living, working towards goals in a slow lazy manner. I love Bryan. Always. He texted me for Brendon-my uncle's young lover's #-IDK it but was that why he texted? I miss him and he is miserable with her but he went back to her too. ANYWAY CONFESSION IN PAIN WHEN POOP UNFORTUNATELY EMBaReSSING & AGONIZING! TRUTH-Me amor mi oso.

And this second my husband is on the phone bout having a baby with me again. I know he wants a child and lost the one he had to the state, the baby will be one year old april 15-17(OMG this upcoming week) one those days, he sent me pics when she was born. We have been separated 3 years now and stayed in touch. Do we belong together, I dont know but we both said "I DO"

surgery went well, some pain, swollen but motrin&vicodin helps. I had to walk&down stairs today for my meds&check but im ok. 4/1 slapped him cuz he swung & scared me, he slapped me back, shocked I stopped. He slapped the high out of me & showed me no more hitting. 4/2 work was ok, terrified to go home thinking I didn't have a home to go back too. but I did & he didnt throw me out. Nathan was up most of tonight and the night before, kept waking alone. SCARED that night. 4/3 I ordered my new cell on ebay along with replacing shadows of night library book, and Georgy my gar a new in tank bubbler, also his tubes. I had court, probation extension 3 months to pay $5,505.oo but that wont be paid by then unless $7,000-$10,00o falls in my lap. We broke with all bills paid g2g pay school now. Then my next court date 7/7 which is Sunday & my attorney not set to appear then obviously. So got to call court in Mass. I was scared he's kick me that night in his sleep since he was diagonal across the bed snoring, wiped out. We had to be up at 4am and I only had a 45-1hour nap after surgery at 4 last night after 2 vicodin. We went to Staceys after surgery which was awsome saw Jordyn, Jayanna &Kamayah who told me no cabbage patch doll, call her sugar. SO CUTE! And Stacey chatted with Nathan normal conversating which was cool. Stacey&Skye know my oldest Korena's birth mother, Tammy. UGH! I like Matt Trippe but believe he may be a pathological liar. I don't know yet. I want to see Bryan, I miss him yes but we are over. When you say nothing at all, the song, speaks for us. g2g

I went out to get bud with his money and came home 2 hours later with it and a bowl pack. He called me really bad names I never even heard used before. We havent touched or kissed or said ILOVEYOU at all today. He swung out at me & I slapped him in the face, he slapped me back and I stopped. I gave him control I didnt react except shocked. Then he called his gay neighbor/friend and repeated everything in his words to me back to him. I had to listen. It was so ugly. He kept going, and I just sat there. He didnt sleep "cuz I dont have any pot" and he said I was high a kite but he killed my high, slapped it out of me actually. Then he told everyone he bought his white fubus that I bought. My Uncle Tom was actually with me too. So I tried to avoid him, looking or speaking to him. My left tonsils are sore and swollen. He might be asleep he aint answering the phone unlesshe calling me from overthere. IDK. Not checking. But he robbed his neighbor/friend (went to store with his debit card with permission) for 2 bottles of Alize cognac. He in bed just answered phone. I am on computer. He in bed. He up now g2g