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Excuse me apparently nathan and the twins mother have custody of the twins but the parents choose not to have the kids. Our twins are here when nathan wants them or they call to come over (not all the time) Im not pregnant, thank God. I pray every night for sweet peaceful dreams and peace strength and motivation in this damn reality. I still have nightnmares every night. pot helps almost everything. My mind is not function ing normally. I dont know if its my seizures or depression and BPD(Borderline personality disorder.) My psychologist showed me a list in a book one time and I said thats my symptoms and that was the name on top of the list. We had Memphis last night and kids came later after memphis left. He wanted to go home last night and then didnt want to leave today. Handsome little brat he is. 4 yrs old in 2months and some days. Jordyn 11 in 3 months. They all grow so damn fast. I saw my friend Jesse on the bus, she is pregnant with her 3rrd child, they are married, her man is Shawn I knew from high school, met him at lunch, his ex and her friends caused some drama then. Raven I guess on his 2nd kid with this girl jess webler. He going to make her life hell. And hell try taking her baby too. He is a DICKHEAD I hate him because he was my first love and made me miserable when he split with me for the tramp. So Jesse is happily married and living in oxbow with her husband shawn. I think of Steven and Joshua alot. Joshua I believe still to be my true love. But I am still married and my husband and I are both low in cash, he left me a message last week if i could find him a place to stay. I never responded to that voicemail. I can not find him a place to stay, I cant find myself another place to go. My brain been in circles with nightmares, want ing to find my biological father-he has been in almost every nightmare for weeks, making me nuts. (got to pay for everything online with credit/debit card.) But Aunt Teresa said north carolina. im tired but took a nap today. Got to shower now and smoke before bed. I still pray every night to God, the Lord Jesus, and still ask him to take my nightmares and give me peace in my reality. Maybe someday. I need more help mentally not more pills. I need a real serious therapist who will see me often accept my medical and help direct me to peace inside myself.

GoodNight

Work good normal, school delay usual, reading again nice

Calvin did not file for divorce. My Easter Sunday was in the hospital I had double seizures late Sat.nite and one when I got home at bout 3am. So Sunday I was out of it, awake but unaware of my surroundings. The following weekend, the 16th (Sunday it was) Calvin's daughter was born, two days later, DCYF took her. The mother has none of her kids and I didn't k that so obviously we would have known the baby would get taken too. Its early, ready for work this morning. Living with Nathan and Mom's place should be completely fixed soon. I'm back in focusing on school and reading. Happy to be able to concentrate but sooo much BS going on around me. Calvin calls with mother screaming at him in the back he'll never get his daughter especially living with that bitch (me jealousy lol) He is in so much pain now and I cant help him at all. I cant take his pain. I swore he wants to be with her until last night and I realize he may be with her just for a place to live. He gave up his place to live with her and now IDK. I cant save him. I cant save myself. Reading the Bible and novels again is helpful.. My own world away from reality. I will always love Calvin. But I walked away now there is no fixing us, we are done. WOW I Dont Believe that writing it out. But my therapist says I cant save him and run to him and help him care for his baby etc. I think im pregnant now with Nathan (haven't had April period) I don't want Nathans kid or anyone's kids not now. And I don't want a child with a man with 3 that his mom got custody of either. Searching for campp to go this summer. Got save $$$$ and shop and plan and have fun. G2G catch bus to work



JENNIFER ILOVEYOU & IMISSYOU

CALL ME WHEN YOU CAN

Beginning of April leads into my husband filing for divorce before the coming his daughter's birth. Steven, this relationship is something else. Living with Nathan was well until our fight Thurs. night. A loud verbal ugly fight. (Chris & others at his house put him down so he took it out one me)He told me to leave and then told me to stay after i packed my stuff. I cut my arms up that night and an X on my left breast. Some know some dont. it didnt help. maybe at the time. lines across my throat and face. two lil lines on the upper shoulder right side of my neck. one on my chin that are noticeable. my arms bad I got to buy arm wraps and get scar gel until then long sleeve shirts. But id go anywhere anyway except work now. My head hurts went to sleep at 5am awake at 10am to meet with Calvin my husband. we had coffee at my mom's. he vented on all i hurt him with(word wise) im just struggling living with nathan. hell be foodshopping shortly and i get my check tuesday thank goodness cuz im broke and unhappy.

GOod tarot reading similiar to yesturday but not logged in for them to repeat it. moon tower justice devil and 2 others believe all major tarot. g2g this is my online journal not for nathan to read.