The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Its been a long painful weekend. I stuck with these ultraset painkillers and 600mg motrin, motrin I only took for headaches. I am in lots of pain today, but happily got checked on and my life is not in danger. I have tests I have to go through next Friday...I called Craig, cell off, not home, I cried at uncle ray's for a minute. I need him for a ride next thurs.(depo shot)&fri.(testing) I may not be able to depend on him & may be drowsy after the testing...SUCKS! My mom said hed better call me today to check on me, and he didn't made me want to cry more, but instead I get nauseas. I have had lots of pop up calls from Sean, Kerry & Ivan which has boosted my spirits. Sean called me once, nothing out of theordinary, Kerry called a few days in a row. Ivan calls like everyday just at bad timing. Kerry wants me to move to Alaska. CRAZY! I don't want to move to Alaska, but I need the long ass warm vacation with lots of attention...from a really nice guy(kerry DUH)... Kerry and I have known eachother and have been friends since Junior High, 5th grade. I switched schools in 7th grade. Then we collided at a church & christian school, that turned my life and his for the worst. One day at Walmart he attacked me telling me he loved me trying to kiss me and hold me...I WAS SPOOKED THEN! YEAH! But we split when his family suddenly moved, except his older brother Jordan who went & got married had a few girls (beautiful little girls) So Kerry found me on myspace, we decided to let our pasts remain in our pasts, or have a few laughs bout some funny, crazy stuff we did back then. I love talking with him, and I am excited bout going to Alaska during the warm season. I am afaid he may fall in love with me and propose. May be I am crazy and am thinking tooo farr ahead! As much as I love Craig, I thought I was meant to be with Bobby, and Ernie is always in my heart, there are so many guys right now I am meant to be single. I need to breathe...I need to try to get my Vicodin prescription...and call Craig...and go to sleep... so later Weekend in bed, laying down or sleeping or at Janies smoking...Need to try smoking too but need money more than bud... LATER

Today was up at 6:50am to get to Prov, to W&I hosp. to apt. and then uncle Ray's, store, and home...LONG DAY FOR ME!!!

Hey, I was with Bobby last night in the ER! I am so happy about it still. I had to go get my new prescriptions today, and sign a hospital release so Woman&Infants can receive my ER medical records. I got an emergency apt for this mon-day, at 9:45. I called Craig left a message and sent him an email, let me know if you can do it or not ASAP. It would be nice but he is so lost thinking we are having sex with all the pain im in and the internal problems Im having right now. He has no idea, called him from ER Saturday nite, call me tomorrow, im driving right now. He never answered him phone Sunday. Then Monday got a hold of him and he says "Im waiting for Keith to call so we can go workout." What an asshole. I am dying, he goes to workout, he's not my man, so he doesnt seem to care at all. VERY NICE! It was a pleasure to spend an hour with Bobby and him hold me and kiss me and show he missed me and still loves me without trying to have sex with me. (Bobby & I havent had sex since June 06. Almost a year. It was last June. WOW! I believe he had sex with Kayla because he sleot at her house for like a week or two. YYUCK! Now we can never have sex again. But sex is not on my mind right now. Not for a long time til Im all better and the doc says its safe for you to have it now. Awhile. I want to know whats wrong with me. SOON. I want to get better. I am always in pain. The pain doesnt stop neither does the dizziness, but I dont let mom know that. Shed never let me get online. I need to take a shower, I smell right now. And I need to remain seizure free for another 4 months, for my liscense. THATD BE COOL! I CAN DRIVE! I could get a car and start driving Bobby around and stalking him, and Craig, and going away, whenever & wherever I wanted too. FREEDOM BY CAR! I am nauseas again. I felt last night like an alien was growing inside my abdomen. I could feel it shiver in my left side, under my ribs and in thelower part of my abdomen. It was weird. I am so lost. I need help. Help is on its way. I will be strong until it arrives. LATER. SHOWER, I will keep posted on my syptoms and pain. BYE FOR NOW

I was in the hospital again and guess who came to see me? Bobby. I cried, I was so happy. We had about an hour. He said he's got two jobs, not doing drugs, Kayla(whore) doesnt do any drugs any more, she got sick. And we held each other, kissed eachother, and actually got to see eachother. And Craig called while I was at the hospital. TOO BAD FOR HIM! then he didnt answer his phone, asshole. I am good, im high, tired, got two vicodin to take at ER, so im good. And I got to spend time with Bobby. I am so happy. I got stood up at 4pm by Shane,left an IM saying "sorry Emergency himself" so I went in ER at 5:30 til 10 pm. I had my uncle Ray call Bobby cuz I was crying in pain, and wanted someone there. He came. We went to Uncles for a few min to smoke my roach, he didnt uncle & I did. I am so happy, things worked out so well and my horoscope fits in well too.(prior journal entry) LATER G2G to bed, bout too pass out on computer. what a day.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)



You can try to be as patient as possible, but you really don't want to be waiting any longer. You want to be out living your adventure and creating your future. Still, there is something stopping you. Perhaps you have unresolved feelings that need just a little more time. Be gentle with yourself; you'll get there soon enough.



Today's makes lots of sense...cool...

I will be over all the pain soon enough...

I am about to go meet Shane but I am starting to cry bout Craig. I dont want too. I want to move on or just be with him. I thought wrong about everything when it came to him. I want to throw up again. I wrote Bobby on myspace, stupid me cuz i wont get a reply. I want to be with Craig, but I just got to sit back and let him go, I cant stop him from dissing me or leaving me behind,I just got to let him go, but I am torn up about him. I dont want to live without him. But I got to go and cheer up. Got to go smoke a roach and let him go for the night. I am sad. Now I can only enjoy myself tonite. I cry for him still and beg God for him to come back, but he is not. Maybe a ride to Prov. and/or sex once every few weeks, I cant deal with that. I love him but he has to know I am not his HOE, I love him. I must let him go. HOW DO I DO IT? Sean was hard as hell, I didnt eat or sleep and slashed my wrists, then we formed a truce and became friends. Craig is different. He is not like Sean at all or live in the same neighborhood. I cant breathe sometimes. I cant eat or sleep some times, I want to throw up a lot is all. I am nauseas and hurting again. I am not going to the ER cuz I am going out with Shane. Could Shane be my angel to help me let go of Craig? But I want a relationship not a rebound... I am lost. I need some painkillers.I am hurtoing but ignoring. I am going to take my after sex pain pills, they should help. Stomach pains for after sex. (or real bad period pains) I got from Trish my doc at Woman & infants. The best place for woman and kids period. I got a few more minutes. But time has ben hectic to let go. I can do it, I made it through Sean, I can make it through Craig, WHY? I wish I never met him to go through all this pain. I want to throw up again, the pain is bad. I will make it though. I have physical & emotionsla pains that dont mix well but make me dizzy too. I ate more than usual today, thoguht that was good, but I just want to throw it all up. I feel so pregnant, but I know I am not. It would be Craigs. But now its not time cuz he's just through with me. I cant handle it. I got to go. I will have a good night, I will. So LATER>DETAILS TOMORROW

I am sleeping out tonite at this man Shane's house in Warwick. I met him online a while back and stopped talking to him thinking he was this hideous black guy. MY MISTAKE! He dont know that though. He's a man, own place, job on base at war college. I must let Craig & BObby go now. I must get o my own two feet. I must be stronger than I have been to get my life and priorities in order again. I woke up late, ER all day yesturday 2:30-6pm (SUCKED) and no meds or painkillers, assholes. Then doc said stay another 2 hours for a catscan, said no thanks, got to go home and eat, everyone should be home before I leave. got clothes & meds packed, got to switch cell battery and grab toothbrush before I leave. I cry still from time to time, now I just want to be happy again and I can do it, got to do it by myself first before I can do it in another relationship. And I can. I am strong, I must believe in myself, first, then I can do it. I am going to be good. No sex with him, I am thinking we could get serious later. And sex would not be good after all my tummy issues lately. I always thought Craig & I were meant to be, apartment, kid, marriage, etc. stupid me to be happy and in love again. He wants to be Keith, he acts like Keiths's bitch now, like Bobby was to me. Funny how people criticize others when they do the same for others. He left me rigth after Keith & Heather split, now he's washing his dishes, going to the liquor store for him, waiting for Keith to call and go to work out together. I was wrong, and that hurts still. I thought we were meant to be, but he's to wrapped up with a man with no teeth who's a drunk to see where he wants his life to be. I wanted his child co badly, I swore forever I was pregnant, and didnt want the test results to show me otherwise. I want to throw up again. I got to let him go. TIme, it takes time, space too, he wants space to forget, i want time to move on, LIFE SUCKS! SO DOES LOVE! I got to move on, I will, I am strong, I can make it through. I made it through Sean leaving, I can make it through Craig leaving. I am too vulnerable, Uncle Ray says so and hes right. I doint want to be vulnerable anymore. LIfe Goes ON. Mine will. I can go have fun tonite, no drama, no pain, no past, no exes, etc. FUN!!! ENJOYMENT!!! No Bobby, Cocaine,Craig,Kayla, drama, etc. I will have fun tonite, got to shower. I got dizzy earlier, didnt do anytihng today. got clothes and meds together to sleep out and dress when i get out the shower. So I will kick in details tomorrow. LATER

ILOVEYOU JENNIFER (STAY STRONG)

ILOVEYOU TO~MY~BEAUTIFUL~CRYSTAL

I didnt go out last night. I said " call me should you get out of hanging with Keith early" didnt happen...I was more agurvated than anything. I ran some errands today. I went to the store with uncle Ray, we met on the bus, I picked up refilled meds and Cipro. I had called in "lost Cipro & vicodin" to the ER and they only filled the antibiotic. DAMN! I need to go back for pain killers. I am in pain, my left side completely, arm, back & abdomen. It hurts. I sold my Vicodin for $40 which I guess I appreciate haivng some money. Chris didnt come through for me either last night. BOOHOO! I just want some affection, & no one wants to give me any. Its okay, I think. I went to walmart for my cd yesturday, and two girls comeout, one starts laughing, I ignored them, I knew from the laughing (wasnt sure, had a feeling) they were kayla's friends. I didnt know her though. I am not supposed to care, ignore it, the best thing to do, they look ridiculous and on drugs just laughing at me for no reason. They had nothing to say, so I had my kids and walked in to the store. They laughed when I had BObby, now they laugh I dont, they look dumb, got to remember they do drugs which is why they act like that. I am glad to keep my kids with me, keeps me out of chaos & jail. I want it all to end, but its ok, I am getting a job, and moving to Brooklyn or NY with Stacy. I have too, Uncle Ray said NO, but its the best for me. I believe. I saw sexy Stop&shop Justin today, chatted for awhile, he too asked where my puppy was today. I want to vomit again. I am always nauseous, but some tihngs automatically trigger my nausea. I told him the truth, going to jail, then cocaine addict with his ex so we're not friends anymore. I also saw Justin form blockbuster at Bridge's, just wanted to say HI, he said hey, then walked away. I guess im alright as usual. I cant call Craig any more. Though it causes more pain to have no contact then just left in the dust until needed for sex, I dont want to be left in the dust anymore. I want to be loved, and shown affection by a man. So Bobby doesnt count. I was his second mom the whole time we were together, now his parents dont care he does drugs at all, he's away from me. GREAT! Die son, at least your not in jail or dying because of Samantha. Assholes too. I need to go smoke some of my roaches and calm down. Good news, got some money, stoges, bud, conditioner. I am okay, I am not crying or miserable, just dead inside, and a lil depressed. I am alright. I am not suicidal, want Kayla to come over my house though so I can tie her up and tell her my feelings before giving her a choice, I can stab you, or let you go, just leave me alone, tell your friends leave me alone, because they are annoying and bad for my homicidal phase. (danger to themselves, and my freedom) But I dont see that happening. I can make her believe what I say, make her respect me at least or stay out of my life. Thatd be cool, no more laughing, or scared of getting jumped, or eaten by fat chicks (scary thoughts) For now, I act like I am fine, but inside I am dying to kill all one by one, blow up their cars with them laughing inside not know ing whats going to happen when they turn on the car, then im the last one laughing, I want to blow up her home, screw bObby, I can just make sure he is alone then he will come back and I can make him suffer for leaving me, we will not be togethe again as we once were. He has asked for so much damage to be done, now he will regret his every word. I dont care you slash all our tires, or kill kayla or blow up her house, etc...WE will see baby...when you are alive and left standing alone.Wewillsee...G2G Karma is a bitch. i should allow Karma to take its turn, karma is slow, but does work well. I am tortured everyday by fate & karma together. Cursed by fate before birth, and karma attacks me for being the woman I am inside. What will become of me??? Can I make it through this world? YES! I can prove every one wrong. They will be hookers, druggies in jail or rehab or homeless, I will have an apt, car, job, ood, animals, husband kids etc. They will hate on me more then they do now but I will laugh at them then. Going to smoke to calm down...BYE

I got a hold of Craig, I was too souped. Its not good. My horoscope says "its too different between you 2 now" he's all sex, im all apartment, kid, marriage etc. Maybe sex is good for just now. LOL I need him to hold me, love me, squeeze me, kiss me, look at me etc. I am supposed to go with CHris so diss Chris to wait for Craig, or catch Chris after Caig doesnt call, Matt wrote me today. He's mad. He wants us to get married, stupid myself again, I suggested it, but couldnt, he was with Stacy, YUCK! I love him so much though, & regardless we will be closest friends. Brother/sister should we never have a relationship. I havent sent his letter but hoping today, yeah I got money. Got to go. I have tp call hospital because I lost Cipro & vicodin prescriptions, LIE! sold vikes for $40 so triyng to get more for more money. I need it. I will write later.SHould go with Chris. But im stupid. I love Craig to much to have brains agianst him. I will sleep alone tonite most likely. Craig is the only one I should stay sleeping with...I need another bubble bath, bus to uncle rays or something. Find out in the morning. I will write later.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)



Although love may be in the air, it might be difficult for you make it real. You are eager to engage your heart in interactions with others, yet it's hard to separate your fantasies from what's truly going on. Talking about it can help, but don't expect too much as there could be very real differences of opinion between you and another person now.



This is today...Monday...and I understand it completely. He may not feel the same way bout me as I do bout him, so to chill. I am sad but handling it alright outside. I slept in today, not really, brought Jord to school to have her sent home again. Then I took a nap til 11am. (b4 picked Jord back up) now Im at my sister's Janies bout to smoke. I got to call Craig again. I blew up his cell, off all night & now, smart never left a message, but bout to wake his ass up and be open and a little mean. LATER

House is a disaster, Sandra home from school(pms) and she will be cleaning when she wakes up, no school, no play, but you can pay...LOL later

I went to church, it was fine, I went to lunch with Suzanna, & Jordyn went to her sis/bro's house. I went to uncle's house, took a hot, bubble bath, and smoked. Now I am home, Sandra is too from New Hampshire. She has lots of pics of her & Roland on her new cell. She's so happy. I called Craig's cell, it rang twice then machine, I was declined, called again, 3 rings, ignored, then turned off, still turned off now. I called his house, no answer at all, all calls un-blocked. Now I want to cry, that was harsh, like I dont notice, He doesnt know his phone is how I keep tabs on him, now he hurt my feelings, cuz he blew me off, its 4:30-5pm I called, he wasnt asleep. Is he with another girl? That stabs me & knowing im not pregnant anymore...I dont know how to react. All the good& bad at once. He is there then not. What the fuck? I am not suppos- ed to put up with these games/tests he calls them/ from anyone. I love him. WHY? Why would he come sleep with me, hold me, touch me, squeeze me, look in my eyes, then turn off his phone...UHH What am I supposed to do? I can only cry. I cant even smoke cuz I am home with mom. But I will just wait til 7-8 pm to call or him and see what happens then. He couldve been driving home, but then not answer his house phone...yeah doesnt make sense...I am lost & in pain again. UP&DOWN my life is like a roller coaster, chillls & thrills, good& bad all happening in seconds. I love him, I can only wait, time will tell what is too become of us...LATER

I told Suzana the news update on Bob,Craig, life, school, work, home etc. She listened and caught everything. GOing to NewHampshire next weekend with her and other girls from the church next weekend (HIGH POSSIBILITY) I need another vacation or my focus back on my priorities. Guys, cloud 9 etc. will hurt or draw back your daily life. I want him to come back. I want him to come through. Is it someone else? I couldnt handle it, I couldnt, I cant handle the loneliness now mineaswell him taken. OMG, HELP! I need strength LATER



PS I will not ever know unless he should tell me. I could be paranoid, or could be blind & stupid because I love him. STUPID ME!

I never took a nap from Johnston, Kat came for her $20 bugged saying it was a $10, it wasnt but I didnt care. I came home, went to Emergency Room for stomach & back spasms. Was there from 8-11pm. I got vicodin an cipro. Bladder infection again, but caught it early. I called Craig, he said call him today. I am not pregnant, the mixed emotions of not being pregnant with Craig and having Craig here is harsh. I want to get Pregant but I must be mature about it and responsible. I am, I am on the depo shot for a reason DUH! I am just sad and impatient. But I am responsoble, not going off the shot and trying to trick him or nothing. Great Idea but ZI love him too much and love myself too much to be a vindictive bitch towards hiim. I am hurting about it but happy to have him near now so I can not hurt that much. I don't recall what else happened except that I got 2 500mg vicodin at the ER so I crashed when I got home. I called uncle ray and mom when I was there too. I had a real cute nurse (guy) who gave me warm blankies, took the light out my eyes, put my bed up comfy, told me ASAP you are not pregnant, hearing Uncle Ray & I arguing bout it. I started crying when he left the room, I hung up and started crying. All alone, and im ok. I have Craig, that is good enough. I got a lot of growing up to do, school, job, place etc before I have a baby with anyone. LATER Church (Jordyn is going to see her half bro/sis there...so I promised I would take her.

YEAH its a deleted profile today so Its a myspace hoax. And I told everyone he wrote bad stuff about me on theexbook.com what if he doesnt even know what that is. OOPS! But I realized yesturday, Bobby's parents don't care what he does, who's he with, where he goes, because I am gone. WOW! They hate me that much, Bobby's going to go back to jail or end in the hospital for drugs. I got to STOP and not think about it, he's my responsibity, he's not even my friend, so I dont want to care, I wdont want to worry, but I want to protect him stilll. That's what I did, protected him, though I was mean I loved him, I wasn't that mean, he loved me, and somethings hurt, but we got over all of it, until now. I got to sTOP! I saw Craig and im happy again. That came unexpected, him coming to see me, hold me, squeeze me, strip me, seduce me, love me, kiss me, touckh me, stare in to my eyes, pull my hair, have me play with him, let me tickle him, and laugh like he enjoyed it. He said bye and kissed me first. He stripped me slowly in the car, ate me out, had just my sweater on, show me he missed me, though we are not meant to be, at least there was a great goodbye, but he loves having sex with me, always says how tight and I am and makes noise and faces, gets sexually angry, he wore a condom, he said make him last, it did, so I am ok, then he took it off (before he was done, pulled out of me b4 he squrted all over the car) and didnt care. I said you probably cant even feel me, He grabbed me by my hair and put himself in me with me on top in the drivers seat of the car. He said "Yes I can feel you fine" in sexually angry way that makes me melt. And he had to take off the condom, he loves when he feels my cum on the tip of his dick. He said it all the time when wed have sex before. Now my moods back to where it belongs. G2G got to call the Marriot Motel for Jordyn to see if stac's friend Annie works there so we can use the pool for free. Did it alll last summer. Its a block-or two from our home too. LATER

What a horrible day! But im high right now so im fine, just exhausted. It was beautiful weather, PLUS that! I went to Johnston, got lost, the street was a parking lot with the street name inside the pole so we didnt see it. Mom and Jord went with me. And we walked around Johnston-Prov. border for an hour. I gave up, missed interview, come back at 2pm, ok, nope came home. Then this elderly man fell on the bus coming home from Prov. to Newport, he fell cuz the driver said" he didnt sit fast enough" the man was in his mid-late 60's, had a cane, and 2 short fingers, so I was pissed. Another woman got on with him, got off at the next stop to call on the driver. Mom and I were told to call MOnday and we are going to. The man said he fell on his hand with the injured fingers and bruised his back. He said thanks for asking, or caring, somwthing like that. I watched him pray fast saying forgive the driver for what hes said. He drove off before the man actually sat down. I sat next him until he got off. I was worried and showed compassion towarrds him. Feelings I wish to not have sometimes, any emotions, they just cause you bad emotions and mental inside pain. Mom freaked bout the whole incident. Stacy went to NY last nite, tonite to Boston, so she's gone. She was here when I got here, we went to Jeremy's, got 30, I smoked there, we matched an blunt, and I got 20 for Kat for later. I need money so I am going to try to split the bag 30 so I can get some money for stoges. Taking a nap today. YES I AM! I smoked there, they went play Basketball. They play videogames all the time too (hate videogames, yes) I came home. I am exhausted, high ,and nothing could kill my happiness from everything with Craig yesturday. And I am thinking maybe Bobby didnt put that on myspace but it was a hoax from myspace to look at that website. Dont know but may be able to figure it out looking at that "Wendy's profile"LATER

BAD DAY BUT IM STILL GOOD!

GOOD EVENING! I got to go to bed, but the good and bad conflicts all hitting me one after the other is a lot of stress on the mental capacity of the brain(NOT GOOD) Today too much happened but I got my job interview tomo-rrow and got to see & have sex with Craig today. Nothing not even bobby talking shit bout me now put me down just tell the whole story should you tell one, not just the chapters that make me look bad. ANYWAY good night to all. And this is my journal I can put anything&everything but the worst that could be here is I gave Craig head, as gross as I find it, I love him, and I did it to show him I loved him & I liked seein happy in all ways...I still want his baby badly. OMG, he cam a lil in me and then it shot out all over the car, my legs, his arm, GROSS! He said "Its mine right, I dont care" LOL But got an early morning, got to go.

Bobby did put that crap on theexbook.com because he is on coke and wants to blame everything on me, that's what his parents and cokewhore taught him, everything in his past was my fault. He believes what he's told by his owners(mom,dad,whore), they own him now & again. I was mad too, yeah but you got to pay for the website which I why I dont have the exact words from it. I went with Craig today!!! We are talking about things, nothing big, just at least friends for now. It was nice to have him hold me, his actions, touches, kisses etc said he missed me, but something felt off. I was so happy to be with him too, he was happy to hear from me, and he doesnt know its me stalking his cell. Thats good though. And i didnt slash all four tires, maybe in a few more weeks, or after my may 10 birth control shot appoint ment. LOL I hope you are good. Bobb was the bad news, it pissed me off. So I called his dad, and told him " I am letting you know people keep calling me, saying my man(bobby) is driving crackdealers around" He was mad at me for calling. Well when bob goes back to jail for drugs, At least I did my job to protect him. RIGHT? Karma is when you do something, usually bad, its to come back to you times 3. Like fate taking control making people suffer who deserve it. I know I do, just not sure how much of it or for how long. I believe Fate cursed me at birth and I am not attacked by karma, but it gets worse maybe when im wrong or mean to others. I hope this explains it, like you jump someone with 4 people, karma would be you getting jumped by 15 and hospitalized. As an example: my ex fiance hurt me & a lot of other girls, let them fall in love with him then leave them for some one else, well he just got married, within two-three weeks, they were divorced because she never came home, cheated, slept out, partied all night, broke his heart, That was his karma from fate. It always comes to you. It hits me, not sure when its karma or my curse though. Bob has his karma from being a child at 21, his trainers(owners, mom,dad,whore) is to be killing himself right now, an ruinin his life. And it hurts me because how much I taught him, and helped him grow up, he through it all away.But im good with that, I care, but he's not my problem anymore. I would fight any dude with a baseball bat to protect him, but now he's expecting to fuck with some big bad people out here with no protection. His whore will not help him. U got to let him go. No more bobby. That myspace might have been from him or his whore on a fake myspace account too. But then they are real pathetic and have no life bothering me. I moved on fdrom bob, just wished he was near sometimes, to talk too, cry on, smoke with, wake up with in the morning. That is what I miss. That is all gone. Craig I miss holding me, kissing me, talking at the beach. But we have friend ship and thats something. I had sex with Craig today too. It was great to have him, see him, hold him, touch & kiss him. Sex was a bonus. I love him still. Its over but at least we can be friends. I can be satisfied with that. I will kill a bitch that tries talking to him, at Keith's whenever/whereever. I do not want to force him to stay with a child, But I love him and want to keep him near, called Tom, at a wake, most likely not going to call. I got an early morning any way, unless he will give me an early morning ride to my job interview in Johnston. 11am tomorrow. I am tired & bored today. Its almost 7pm but bright out, & I got to go to bed early for 8:30am bus to Prov. then 10:10 bus to Johnston. uncle Ray has no idea about me seeing or calling Craig today. LATER

House is dirty again already, but it will get cleaned out Monday again. LATER

Everything changing, good & bad hitting me left & right, my brain isnt handling all the different emotions at once, thats why im tired.

OMG! So much news! My nephew busted his head open lst night at his father's house in the garage and got stitches but he's okay, screamed when he got the stitches though. Janie, my oldest sister, his mom was a mess about it. I also went out on a date last nite with CHris Dubster, we went out b4 ages ago, be4 Craig, and we went out again last night. We watched Ice Age 2 & got pizza. I just wanted affection which is what I got, ANd I had sex with him, had sex with im b4, he moves to Booston at the end of the month, but we are going to keep in touch. I dont want to add anyone else to my list, he was already on it. SO he can stay on it, make it worth it. He is cool, might have feelings for me, but is always packed with work.I am happy we may get together again MOnday nite, he has Tuesday off so we can sleep in no going home. It was awesome, sex was too. I need a hot bubble bath though, to tighten my vaginal muscles (makes sex better 4 u both & makes you tighter) & clean myself out. I am happy to go out with him. Said should tell everyone I got a new boyfriend who lives in boston, but itd be a lie, he thought it was funny. We get along. I like him, he looks like an elf but is really nice and laidback. Molly went his parents house in S.C. because he's moving, he misses Molly(she's his dog) Jacob gave me a ride to dentist office for job, but dentist is very picky and complicated to get job there. I got to keep looking, will be after here. That's about it. OHH! Bobby wrote some shit at theexbook.com about me so I am going to just write about him, the bad stufff, I thought he loved me, he's a child still, doing coc with a whore makes his more childish. I am going to be sick. ANyway and uncle ray had cops search his house for gun last nite because of a hoax phone call, I am pissed, he doesnt need that drama, at 11-12 pm. OMG! So a lot of bad news, Chris has been a lifesaver, just holding me last night, I need it again. I am crazy for attention. I am so lonely, but I can suck it up wil Monday nite, today's Friday, YEAH!!! LATER

Hoping for things to get better...

OMG! Dr.Kehew's Dentistry called me back today, come fill out an application, and then I can get an interview. LATER YEAH!!! GONNA DO IT TODAY ONCE SOMEONE COMES TO WATCH JORD!!!

Its 9am, been up since 7:45am. Took my meds and had coffee, made Jord breakfast, and checked my mail, chatted with tara, got an email from a fellow I havent spoken too in a while. I pranked Craig, he went out last night, and answered his phone, OOPS! I hung up quick. He's home now, not an overnite, I assume. He has no idae its me, its been 5 & 1/2 wks since he left me, I called him once 1 wk & 1/2 saying "oh wrong number" Then I emailed him the night b4 I left 4 NY that I was leaving, he didnt care at all. He doesn't love me at all. I am going to become a drunk when I make enough money and get my own place (got awhile then to change my mind) I am not going to date any more. I want too but Teddy left, Tom never called back, neither did Nate, or Bill, and Craig is gone. I am ok this morning. I got to find a towel shower and schoolwork b4 Stacy wakes up and wants to smoke a blunt. I have a lot of school work to catch up on sicnce the nightmares started. They still come and go, sometimes I forget them, sometimes I dont tihnk about them. They are not as bad as they were. It was real difficult. I need top bleep Dutch, may go back out there, if they agree(him an Jes) He is getting min on his phone today, its her payday. I want to go away again, just not with 100 bags or get a late bus again, when Im stranded in Prov. I got lucky last two times, God watches over me sometimes, just not when I am struggling emotionally. Listening to music here this morning. I want my teddy, he is really pissed but I will liove with out him, I really want Craig. But that is a joke, he's not coming or ever calling back. Unless I am miraculously now pregnant and dont know it yet. I WISH! But he would hate me then even more, and it would cause a lot of problems for my child to grow up like that. I could at least hide the pregnancy, where would I go to hide it? Uncle Ray wants me not to have it, thats to bad, a decision I will have to turn against him on. It is Craig's I can an will live with that, he will be able to adjust eventually. I will show up to see his parents an Mel his sister, and ignore his presence, hopefully he wouldnt be home, and they could see their grandchild. ANy one deny my child's Craig's they will not know my child. But I am nuts !!!! OMG I know I am not pregnant, just wish I was, should go to the ER to check, but I might attempt suicide should i have the facts in front of me.! G2G

I am not pregnant, just wish I was with Craig. Its killing me inside, I might kill myself should I know for sure. I want to be. I am nuts. LATER

HEY! I took JOrdyn to dentist, and she got her first cavity filling. I had no buspass or uncle tom so did not go looking for a job. I have not yet worked on school. the house is clean, I got to smoke with Matt's brother Jeremy, Robby, MIke, and my sister Stacy, sold Kat a $30 and smoked a blunt with her and Jacob. Life's not easy for her, its getting harder. She has no idea. But I do not think he would hit her, I never seen him raise a hand to Lacey or any chick for that matter. But these days you never know. Stacy's home now. I am tired. I must do schoolwork tomorrow. Kevin, my teddy, is pissed at me. stupid but he said we are done, I said ok bye. I just sent emails to two guys on singlesnet, im shopping now, sick of waiting for the shopper. I am lonely. Got to prank Craig see if he's home yet. LATER and went to Jesses for an hour

Early, early. Because of my prolonged nap I am up at 6:30 and grabbing coffee. Stacy's sick and has court, Mom is taking Jordyn to work with her. I have a few things to do, just school, shower, and to call Uncle Tom to fill out applications for jobs. That's all today. My sexy Teddy is on but I dont want to talk right now, I am just having my coffee. I want to get in touch with Mike from blockbuster, because I like him and I had so much fun with him that night. But it may not be meant to have another fun drinking nite with him. I just need to find some bud and call his house. (Look up Cassesse in phonebook) most likely one will be his house. But everyone calls his cell, I hope he doesn't get mad or tell Nate I am trying to holla at him. See never mind, drama right there. But Mike is hott, and cool. Can not cal uncel Ray til bout 7:30-8 he had a late night last night. I got to do things early today, school cant be prolonged anymore. Well, I will probably write in the afternoon. I think TOm's gone, which sucks, but is a 1-10 rating of thought its a 10 he's gone. LAter.

Good Evening! I took a nap from 4-8pm, was supposed to be til 6 but alarm didnt go off. Chatted with Kevin for awhile then Joseph, guy i met online awhile back. I took my meds, cept trazedone but smoked a roach so the traze will kick in quicker. I did the dishes, got to go apply for jobs elsewhere tomorrow with uncle tom. Kevin, I call my teddy, is great booster of my spirit, I told him I want to be his friend regard less our situation turn out. I am sleepy and still haven't started my schoolwork, not good at all. Need someone to say do it now. no teachers is not a great thing. Called Craig's cell(stalkin) an he was out, it rang, guess is drinkin at Keith;s but could be datin so will not talk to him. Ivan called, comin home soon, happy, we are going to drink an lean on oeach other for a lil while

good nite.

I cleaned the house today, no job at nursing home, got to go apply with UNcle Tom tomorrow a few places. Chatting with Kevin, still no call from Bill or Tom. I am very sad bout it. I like TOM alot. I miss Craig, and Tom makes me forget him all the way, and the pain. But he hasnt called me , everyone says its bcuz he works and hes tired. I think bill forgot bout me. I watched the twins today, saw Kat today, and spoke with Jacob. Apartment almost ready, a law that he can go get Kaitlyn from New York. He seems in higher spirits, found the weed Katie had and took some too, but got back. I am just lonely now, so I just want to take a nap after I finsih chatting with Kevin. Calle Craig's cell, he hasnt been out much since we split up. Unless I call him at the wrong times. He still sleeps all day, his profile says full time medical worker, I think thats BS, he didnt get another job yet similiar to the last. I dont know though. I hope he has no new GF, It would kill me inside, I want to be happy again, and I am neglected. Kevin left. I am going to smoke a stog and take a nap. LATER

I cleaned the house today, no job at nursing home, got to go apply with UNcle Tom tomorrow a few places. Chatting with Kevin, still no call from Bill or Tom. I am very sad bout it. I like TOM alot. I miss Craig, and Tom makes me forget him all the way, and the pain. But he hasnt called me , everyone says its bcuz he works and hes tired. I think bill forgot bout me. I watched the twins today, saw Kat today, and spoke with Jacob. Apartment almost ready, a law that he can go get Kaitlyn from New York. He seems in higher spirits, found the weed Katie had and took some too, but got back. I am just lonely now, so I just want to take a nap after I finsih chatting with Kevin. Calle Craig's cell, he hasnt been out much since we split up. Unless I call him at the wrong times. He still sleeps all day, his profile says full time medical worker, I think thats BS, he didnt get another job yet similiar to the last. I dont know though. I hope he has no new GF, It would kill me inside, I want to be happy again, and I am neglected. Kevin left. I am going to smoke a stog and take a nap. LATER

I am up cuz I took my meds late, and cleaned the whole house(all dishes) I am tired, but am going to smoke my roach an a stog b4 bed. I will fall asleep quick and easy doing that. I still miss Craig, I want to stop thinking about him, I want to forget Craig Adam Manchester and everything that ever happened. But it will not go away, and it comes back, and it bothers me. Bill and Tom didn't call tonite. I am sad, I was thinking TOm would after work or Bill would, today being his day off. I am lonely again, but when I think about my nite with tom I feel happy, at ease I got that affection after a month of misery. WHat a niserable month for me, without the sex also. But now all is at ease, cept my eyes. So Good Night. I may have a job interview early tomorrow at the nursing home, & I got to walk downtown to apply at Cuffy's, they are down town hirin customer service reps, cashiers, and merchandisers. The first two I have 10 great months experience from blockbuster. SO thats a plus for that job. We will see what happens. With a job, I will be writing less, working more, cleaning the house and a paying job is going to be tiring but got to do it. GOOD NIGHT Y'ALL

Good Evening. Today went by pretty fast. I cleaned the house, doesn't look like it now, but I did earlier. I called for jobs, applied at Saint Claire;s for the housekeeping, will train, its a nursing home on Spring Str. where Bob's grandma lives, sweetest old lady, 94 and still alive. I called and applied at Dr.Kehew's dental asst. Called a few other places too. Spent a few hours at Jesse''s, bought a pack of stoges & paper, still got my roach and now a dime, but got to give back to stacy. Jacob called me this morning, moved in to his new place, said call him in the morning, Kat called me lateg crying, Katie her ex roommate robbed her, and Jacob bugged on her. She was afraid hed hit her. I said no, but he kept calling her stupid and upsettin her.He didnt know she called me afaid he would bug more. I talked to him, he was mad, but never called back so maybe they found it. I had a nice long energetic day. Got more dishes to do now. Pans and other dishes. Garbage, more to put out tomorrow. Tom should be callin me soon, still nothing from Bill, I will live, moving slow, just trying to enjoy myself and get a little attention. Met a vampire, Dracula's son, Silver. Need a friend, he's from Cali though. G2G clean,

SWEET DREAMS TO ALL!

PS GOT TO WORK ON SCHOOL AGAIN

Good Morning. Mom is at work, Jordyn on school break, Sandra too but in N.H. with her dad, Stacy in bed. I am awake, had coffee, my meds, and a lot of work to do today. I have a house to clean, jobs to call, laundry to pack, got to shower, take out trash,and schoolwork to catch up on. It will be a busy day. I also have a large roach to smoke when all is settled down, before my mom gets home. The sun is trying to peak out of the nasty muggy rain clouds. I need to take out garbage, and walk to Puerini's restuarant to apply for a job. Lots to do, I can do it, its good to keep myself busy so I am not bored, sad, depressed or thinking which leads to being depressed. I had this weird dream about seeing Kaitlyn & Lacey, them living in a building next to me in my old neighborhood, in the Green, and Kerry sending me money and showing up to take me away. I was so happy until I woke up without Kerry at all closeby. I miss him, wish he'd call sometime soon. Ivan too was in it along with Bethany, Dutch, and steve(hate him, Jord's dad) but it was weird, not really a nightmare. I got to get working, got another new friend here, says he's Dracula's son, we are all Dracula's children but none alive today are his direct heirs, I know that. I told him some about myself as Carmella, Samantha is of no importance here, but her thoughts are because it is her journal also, we are one. Well, got to start working. LATER

Well, I talked to Jazmyne on yahoo im for awhile last night, met a few new friends on here through replying to their journals. Uncle Ray is not happy I had sex with Tom, after a month of no sex, I deserve to have a little fun, I am allowed to have sex. Anyway, I had such a great time with Tom, it doesn't matter. Kevin & I decided to just be friends, but at least have a friendship. Bill has been working, may call me tomorrow, may not. I would like Tom to call me, he didn't last night. I am still lonely. I need to take a shower. I cleaned the house b4 bed last nite, but a twister hit the kitchen with my mom making lasagna. GREAT! Today's just for me to relax though. SO I will be busy tomorrow, some laundry, undies, socks and a few shirts. I have to start school again. Barry got to put a lightbulb in my ceiling before he leaves, then I can work in my room. Slept til 12noon then online, chatted with Kevin, and then lasagna (it wasn't great at all) but I ate it, makes mom happy. GOt to take out trash today. I hate this house, cant stay clean with the adults. Wish I had a newport, and a beer, nina's working but Im so lazy an the weather makes me lazier with it pouring and being so gross outside. I was bleeding during & after sex, no period cuz of depo, so a lil worried, but after a month, no surprise, hurt like a bitch too, he was 5 long, 3 thick, thickness was sore. But it was great nonetheless. Chatted with Jazmyne bout getting hurt, exes cheating, lying an getting hurt. I would rather not know love at all than feel the pain of losing love. SHe agrees. The pain of the loss lingers far more and when you have the happiness with love, it doesnt last long. Ever. Well, probably going to go back to sleep, nothing else to do on a mucky sunday. I cant even walk to the bar for a beer. I am so exhausted, body is. LATER

Well, I cried over Craig tonite, STUPID ME! I found his new yahoo personals profile with sexy photos of him and what he's looking for, I started crying. I couldnt help it. I cant go back on that website since we split but I cant seem to delete my account completely from personals which is bugging me. Craig is still on when I hit personals along with Anthony. I was so sad, he was activated with in the last 24 hours meaning he is lookin for someone on that same website,. ASSHOLE! I am so sad. I took my meds so I am a lil tired. I want to be over him completely, or want him to come back, but he is not, so I have to let him go. DAMN ME & HIM for writing me on there. I wish I never found love rather than feel the pan of losing love. FOR REAL ,that is my feelings on it. IT SUCKS! I can only cry to my mommy. My uncle doesnt want to here, my niece is an angel when I cry. She is 5 and she said " why are you crying, cuz you miss Craig? Well you dont need Craig, you have me" 5 years old. Iloveher so much, my babygirl. how to let go of a guy that's gone, been gone a month Monday. 5weeks monday. I am glad I finally had sex though, what a relief even though my inner thighs are a lil sore. I want to call him...Talk to him but he may already have another girlfriend. I deleted all my profiles from all dating sights when we became happily official...he fixed his profile instead of deleting it but I cant be sure when he did that, SEXY PICS OF HIS FACE! You seen him youd understand should u be attracted to Portugeuse guys. I want to have sex again, get on top take control and orgasm, goodness its been a long time since that. I lied to Craig alot about orgasming, but the sex was still awesome with him in control. Sometimes, he would say "go slow baby its all you I want to feel your come on dick" OHMYGOD! I miss sex with him. The best times was in the beginning he'd eat me out for what felt like forever and I would orgasm like 6-7 times, never with any other, then he grabbed by the throat and slammed me against his bed room door start taking off my clothes, shoes werent even off. He fucked me from behind and bit me on my neck, it was the best. then things changed. I started giving him head, not for anyone, but gave in to him, because I loved him, and he stopped eating me out, saying all the sudden something was wrong there, it tasted bad, and want to com in my mouth and not fuck at all, or just fuck me hard and I would feel it but when it was done I wasnt satisfied. that was close to the end. I wrote him before I left for New York, sent him the llyrics for Nickelbakc Far away, adnd said I loved him, told him I was going, no responce nothing. He looked so happy in his new pics onlien, like he wasnt really happy with me at all. To fing out I am pregnant now, before i think its Tom's would ruin his everything. But it could hurt my future too to be happpy. I took my trazedone at 10:10 so im sleepy, but im trying to let go of something thats already gone. I jsut never figured out how except time,. TIME HEALS, though it may take a long time. The pain with Sean stopped when we became friends and let the pain go of him leaving me for her(the tramp) Sean left me for head from a tramp, Bobby left me for cocaine and probably a little head, Craig left me because of something I wouldnt understand or kept forgetting. I tried, I shouldve tried harder. I want to go back to the 8th floor but it would have to be serious and I dont want attemntion just a vacation to rest and be away from danger...He would not come anyway, he doesnt love me. I thought he did, thought he was happy, but I was wrong blinded by my own happiness and love for him, same with Sean, Sean I didnt see coming, Craig was sooner or later, but didnt exp[ect it when it happened. Letting go...With time...Time heals...But must be patient or not pay attention to the time...I know its 5 weeks monday, that's what makes it worse...that proves I have not let him go. But I must for my own safety and sanity. Though i still love him.GOOD NIGHT Carmellablack

Where to start? Tom, is a landscaper, used to smoke weed and crazk, and do coke, now he is clean cept for beer and Camel Turkish gold cigs. I went & slept at his house last night. We rented the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the beginning, it was gruesome but I saw it before. We had sex 4 times, he is 5 inches long, but 4 inches thick so it was great sex. I don't get my period because my shot and I hadn't had sex in a month and a day, I was bleeding each time, he didn't mind, I didn't either, it was painful but great at the same time. I lied to everyone else, said nothing happened. He has two snakes, Bella, a 5 foot long pine snake who can be a little snappy, and Amy, a 4 foot long corn snake who doesn't bite at all unlesss she thinks Tom is feeding her and mistakes his hand for a mouse. Then there are 2 rats, Tommy and Oreo, TOmmy is open and loving, Oreo is a shy one who doesnt leave the cage much or the table the cage is on. Two ferrets, Max & Todd, Both friendly, Max is more calm and relaxing than TOdd who loves attention and is rowdy. He also has a teddy bear hamster who is fat and his name is Puffin, light brown with one white stripe in his middle, not nice, likes to bite, but a puff is what he looks like. Bear is their 14 year old family dog who doesnt like me, Fluffy a beautiful friendly dark gray cat, and Poncho his sister's shepherd dog who loves everyone. We had a great Firday nite and SAturday day & noon, I had to come home so he could go help his boss. I met his parents, sister, and nephews. Jim is his dad, and Connor,2, James, 5, and Michael, 8, are the nephews, never learned the other ones names. But I had a blast, I think he is gorgous, with dark blue eyes, short, but taller than me, with a lil hairy bell and a hairy chest. I loed being held all night even though I had nightmares, forgot my trazedone(big mistake) and had a night mare bout rats, mice, cats, and my uncle ray's other son Jason we dont consider family at his house. Weird, scary. I dont want to get in to it. THe rat, tommy was loose when we were having sex the first time, he crawled on the bed got by my feet, then behind Tom so back in the cage for disruption. I told him bout my Thomas cat disrupting Bobby and I before too. Stacy got her tongue pierced poor thing can't eat her tongue is so swollen and I couldnt help but laugh at her. The ER should give her somethin for the sweeling. Dont KNow. Bored now, stuck at home, with my mom and her boyfriend, bored. Iwant to go out and have a few beers with someone but i have no friends. DAMN IT! I am sad now. G2G But my friday and sat day was great. LATER

PS I wrote Kevin, he wroteme "cant date u blahblaahblah, 5 guys is to many guys you slept with, blah" BULLSHIIT! I have actuallly slept with 28, Tom being 28, so I think he wouldnt have liked the truth more. I could care less now. I like Tom, got to check out Bill early thios week too. We will see what happens. The funnything home, was the music I didnt know so i got stuck in thinking mode and Craig was all over thinking mode, I was mad, he's gone, he shouldnt be ruining my good times I rarely have,thinking of the past. LATER got to shower now.

I cleaned up the houe, up at 7am, got to do dishes, take out garbage, and take a shower. I need to eat something too. I don't eat much since Craig left, I sleep tooo much, I guess too. My ex fiance Sean got married, and is miserable. She never comes home, stays out partyin with lots of other guys. KARMA IS A BITCH! Sean fucked a lot of girls over, mentally & emotionally. Speaking of emotional & mental stress, I replied to Bobby with dont send me secret love notes through music when you left with that cokewhore and your parents again and started doing coke and shit. I can't handle you, I am a suicidal mess. I am chatting with Kevin and I don't think I should even push this, he's confusing me now, and he got snappy already, I dont tolerate bullshit from any guys. He wants a serious relationship, I just want to date & have some fum right now, not be tied down, after Craig, I can't be tied down. I still feel pregnant. But its me, my depo, and Craig's worst fear not happening right now. He wouldnt believe me anyway and hed nmever see our child. His parents and sister would. I am an emotional mess. I have not smoked bud, or stoges anytime soon. Its because im broke i havent gotten high. There's banging downstairs, figured from maintence, the neighbors are supposed to be working, it is really loud, it get louder with my music though.then when i sto p the music , it stops, weird!!! I am lonely. Kevin's at work, taking him a lil while to write back, but he's working. It stopped now i turned off the music. What the hell! Back on, no more banging. I need to take a shower when im done here. I need help. I can't play with Kevin's mind, he's a great guy, personality wise I can tell already. I would just hurt him. Serious Relationship? Me? NOW? NOPE! Sry...Maybe should Craig come back. I love him still. He's gone, hoping to go out and have fun with someone this weekend. I g2g. Jord got to call her mom, so she can to the docs. LATER

Hey, I went to Jesse's with Jordyn to see her baby,Neera, two weeks old sunday, for a few hours, then home took a shower, talked to bill for a lil over an hour, 29 yr old, own place, no pets, plastic film maker for 5 yrs, nice guy, hoping to go out with him MOnday, hopefully hisd ay off. works 6:30am-7pm. Long hours, probably good money. No TOm tonite, im dad bout that. Kevin sent me a message bout "how serious are you bout a relationship?" I sadi "hon, slow down, rules, meet, date, see what happens." I wrote bob a long ass reply to his music video, secret message, "IMISSYOU" well we will see what happens with all this tomorrow. Its late. Taking my trazedone, going to bed. GOOD NIGHT

Pouring rain all day, awful, weather. I slept all day. No Nate asshole is drunk in Prov, im home alone wanting to be with someone anyone. Bobbb sent me the John Waite & Alison Kraus music video "missing you" on myspace, I cried seeing he wrote me. I miss him, but I hate him, and I love him, but he went to far, doing cocaine and sleeping with that dirty girl (cokewhore) so we couldnt be together again. I wish he showed he cared. Secretly sending messages is not ILOVEYOU, no its not. I went to walmart in the pouring raing for a new computer mouse. I also stole some nail hardener from Sally's. My nails have been bending and it worries me, they are too soft and flexible. I am going to clean and file them today too. I want mike's number try to go drink with him alone. But got a bunch of phone calls to hope for tonight. Tom w;ill call at 9-9:30-10, I asked bill to call at 8:00and kev to call at 8:30-9 depending on bill calin an how long we talk. I need to go out, just want someones arms around me. Satan would work too, at least hed keep me hot all night (jokin) I went to wal mart and saw Gary my friend who works there. I told him I am doing better, saw him b4 went to NJ and I was bawling. I saw Adam too, this guy that used to go to my uncles church, he gained a lot of weight, but is still pretty cute. I have no life, gonna go do my nails & finish writin my brother matt. LATER

PS had pork chop casserole for dinner, potatoes werent even fuully cooked. MOm for ya(my mom)

I am sick

I had my niece all day today, did my laundry all day, cleaned my house, went to uncles to wash clothes, laundry mat to dry. I came home, folded laundry, fed my cats, my comp[. is broke right now, need a new mouse & keyboard adapter. I am at my odest sis' using her comp. I took a nap from 7-9:30 tonite, TOm's phone call woke me up. I was happy he was my wake up call. He seems real nice. I went to the park with my niece,nephew & two of their friends, they had me running around playin tag with them. Wore me out. Dropped them off. Went to Jesse's, no one answered, my niece was sad, she wanted to see her baby again. Went to 7-11 twice, back to park for niece to jump rope, then home. What a long day. WOke up with my call, ate some dinner, came here to write & check email. Now back to 7-11 hoping Otta's working to rob store, or just buy a drink. I am tired but need to take my trazedone b4 I can go to sleep for the night. Wish someone else would call me. NIGHT

I went to bed a litle before 11pm last nite. I talked to Tom for a little over an hour on the phone. I talked to him while I was in the shower, he called when I got in so I didn't care. He did. I told him ow im in the shower now. He said thats hot, I said its nice & toasty in here, he replied wish I was there with you, I am said I am sure you do. We talked about life, our exes, his pets, school, work, home, etc. It was nice to connect with someone so fast. Bill I met on singlesnet too, we just email, we have lots in common if he is honest. I live Tom, I feel connected to him, he has lots of animals,COOL! (2 snakes,2 ferrets, 2 rats, a hamster, maybe more, forgot) But we talked for a while. It was awesome. Then took my meds & went to bed. Up at 7am. House is a mess, beds are not made, but I am hoping to go do all this laundry and some shopping at uncles for necessities. LATER

Well I realized tonight when I fight with my mom, I stress my brain out and it exhausts me. I am trying to remain strong but it is not easy, never is. I have done it befpre I can do it again, but 1 yr & 1/2 for my SSI which is my apartment money, school, and cort chappelle money with that. The extra time does make this check huge (round Oct-Nov 08) I have to remain alive, one, strong, 2, and find a job,3 to support myself now. I am upset about it,waiting so long, but I will be happy to work a job suitable for me and save money & be able to have my own money. Time will only tell what fate has next in line waiting to try to kill me. I have beaten everything so far, I can do it. I must be strong. I must find a job, good suitable job, asap, b4 college kids take everything summer break. He said a saving to my case would be working 2-3 months then quitting due to "stress effects." I am going to work now and wait patiently to see what happens. I hate being broke!!! LATER

PS I am about to shower, havent showered today or yesturday, and I smell. I am a lil upset Tom hasnt called me(friend from singlesnet) & may not be going to drink at Mikes tonight. DAMN!!! Fate sucks, I was cursed b4 I was born, not by my own karma, but that bites me sometimes too.

What a day! slept til 12 then had to get my niece from school, sick, then to my lawyer's office. Bad News! Have to wait a 18 months b4 a hearing and hopefully accepted. (SSI) I can work now, it will not hurt my case. But to use it for me and not against me, 3 months per job, then breakdown. Anyway, that's possible. I fought with mommy all day. Packed my stuff, still on my bed. I got no where to go cept uncle Ray's and that's not good bcuz that starts an "he hates me phase" after 1 wk or 2. Can't deal with any extra headstress. No stogges, one roach, I am dying! I hope Nate wants to go out tonight for a lil while bcuz I want 2g drink a few more beers with Mike. I flipped today. I want to kill myself sometimes. Days are harder than nights. The nights are just tears of missing what's gone or sleeping through the thoughts of what left. I don't want to cry anymorer, but I do. I still love Craig, it still hurts, just happy to go out and have a good night on my first night out since Craig & I split. I will live, I must be strong, but sometimes I feel so weak, useless, and a failure to myself because its what Fate wanted. I will make it, I still hope. I should not be on trazedone when I am suicidal! My doc made a mistake and I warned him, yet the nurse said "he's the doctor, he's not going to give u something that will danger you" She is a dumby. She coudl cost me my life. Those pills are the easiest escape from this world, my life, and reality. But I do not want to leave my kids behind. Its hard sometimes when they have mothers who are responsible for them, makes me feel like they don't need me, but we love eachother, thats what matters. I am suicidal but I am mentally confused about life & death as well....HELP!

I went on a date with Nate from Singlesnet, & I had a great time. We went & he met Uncle Ray. then to his friends to have a few beers. I got nervous, tihnking it would be a party with lots of people I don't know and I'd sit in the corner alone all night. NOT WHAT HAPPENED! We ended up with one other guy, Mike, a well known blockbuster customer (still) and we had fun. It was just us 3, I had 5 beers, BudLight in bottles, smoked a few roaches and stoges, Mike made a pizza at 3am (red barron pizza) he seasoned great. Then we exited. We listened to 1964-9 music cds too that was cool. I came home and crashed. I kissed Nate but it wasn't supposed to happen, I am more attracted to mIke but he seems occupied wioth someone who doesn't want him. It was awesome, I gave Mike a hug googd night, he was like the hottest customer, or only hot customer. He has longer hair like the surfer hairdo, and he said I looked great outside blockbuster uniform. I kissed Nate b4 coming home, but it was an awful kiss, he like bit the top and bottom outside of my lips. OUCH! I LIKE MIKE! BUT I WENT OUT WITH HIS BOY, CONFUSED! But its all fun & games for now.

Well WHat a NIGHT!

I was happy earlier so I seemed to be writin, but then I started to cry. 4 wks have gone by, he doesnt care, he doesnt think of me, or cry,or not sleep and see our times together. Like I do, and I cry. I cry for him to return to me, I cry for him to explain, but I know there will be no response and he will not be coming back to me. But I can still cry. It's how I let him go day by day. I don't cry everyday, but somedays are harder than others, somedays I don't think of him or the pain or the loss, somedays I just stay high. Whatever makes the pain go away. I am strong that is why I am still here. I shaved my eyebrows and think not again, I want to cut off all my hair but I will just look like a freak then. I will get over him, in time, I just wonder how long it will take for the pain to go away. I have to wait, time is the only answer, it takes time to move on. I am going on my first date tonight after 4 wks of being single. With a really hot guy who smokes and drinks and drives and has tattoos. COOL? I hope it is fun, I hope he doesn't try to touch me, I am not ready for sex with another guy yet. Its been a month and 4 days for that one. But I am not ready and guys have to wait anyway for it. I got to go smoke and stop crying. Later I will be alright, in time.

I am alright. I am empty sometimes, happy sometimes, sad sometimes. But I am ok, I am cleaning, back to school, not smoking aas much and not shaving my eyebrows again. I eat and sleep. I am better, but it still hurts. I know. But I know it will go away, I just don't know when. I don't know why he left me, I was happy, guessing he wasn't. He hurt too when he ended it. I think it hurt him to say no more sexual relations. I suffer sexually too but that I deal with by having weitd sex dreams. I love him, & I hurt. I wanted our child, he wasnt ready but wouldnt desert me with our child. He got lucky, he left before. I believe I am with child but it could be symptoms by my depo shot. It may be me. t may not be. How do I tel him now, after 4 wks of being apart I am pregnant? He wouldn't help because he wouldn't believe me. That is not an issue at thois moment. I want to sleep without nightmares, I want to walk around without nauseous. I want to not see cars that look like his and want to cry and vomit. Its over, I must let him go, but it urts still. I am trying to date now, after 4 weeks, met a really hot guy, who has a lot in common with me. But I still feel connected to my ex. I don't know. I place it with time. In time it will heal, it time things will change. Later

I am alive & well now. I took a vacation to New York-New Jersey and am better than I have been. I was on the edge before I left last Friday. I wanted to kill myself, I was freaking out, smoking bud and cigarettes like crazy(not good for breathing) and I shaved my eyebrows. 4 wks thisMonday since Craig left but now I am ok. I am back to housework, lots of laundry, and back to schoolwork Monday. Happy Easter to all who celebrate, to all others, have a Great Sunday in peace. I am better now. And a plus, my friend had a daughter this past week, I saw her and held her today. Born 8Ibs,12 ounces and the mother is a string bean before and after giving birth. Lucky her. The parents arer young but doing their jobs as parents. I am happy for them. I still want a baby, girl or boy, with Craig, and i still feel pregnant, I believe side effects of the depo shot, but not positive. I am cuttin down on stogges and bud, the money, the time, I have responsibilities & bud gets in the way, Cigarettes just went up in pricing so being broke got to cut on those for several reasons. I am happy to be able to not struggle and cry sober anymore. I am unsure why I feel empty sometimes but im tired and took my sleeping prescription already. GOOD NIGHT Y'ALL!