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Its a Friday night... 12:13 am.. so I guess its early Saturday morning.. depending.. oh who cares...



I am in such a slump.. I'm sitting here chain smoking, and staring at the screen... I don't want to do anything.. I feel so empty, so sad, so alone.



Ive felt this way all night.... cant seem to shake it. No one to talk to.. nothing to do.. I think this goes beyond the simplicity of boredom.. damn im moody.. could it be my bodys actually working again? ha, i say.. *sigh*



hormones.. im done taking them.. dont want to anymore. maybe im not supposed to have kids.. i dont know.. thinking about it makes me want to cry. i just want to crawl into a ball, squeeze my eyes shut and pretend it will all go away...



depression? yea, speaking of which.. i dont want to take the antidepressants anymore either. man, i feel sorry for those unlucky enough to be around me when my body goes through withdrawl from that drug... I guess, knowing this, I am apologizing first.



I am sorry I am going to be a bitch. I am sorry I will probably scream at you for no reason. I am sorry that I will then probably bawl my eyes out for having screamed at you. I am sorry that more then likely after all of that, I will feel sorry that I blubbered all over you and ask you for forgiveness even when its not deserved.



How do I know I will apologize for all of this?? Wouldnt be the first time Ive gone off of them.. ha! I say.. Im tired of taking pills every night. Im tired of being tired! And lonely, and crying deep inside.. I want home.. I want to just be happy.



Baby, I love you, and I know you love me.. I try so hard not to show you this side of me.. But Im slowly going insane.. I need to go home.. I need to get away from this.. Please hurry home and take me away from here... I am so tired of it all...



Why did you fall in love with me? What luck did you have to fall in love with such a pitiful person as me? I know I am not what your mother expected you to join your life with.. what have I done for you except bring you strife? Sometimes I wish I never did meet you.. then I wouldnt have ruined your life... your life is here.. and I dont belong here.. I dont belong here...



I promised I wouldnt cry.. I promised I would smile and look at the bright side of things... like I always tell everyone... How sad to see that I cant even take my own advice.. why baby? I love you so much that sometimes I wish I could go away and leave you to find someone new.. someone who would fit in with your famly, someone who would know which fork to eat with, or which opera had what, or would remember to write those damned thank you notes... it isnt me.. it just isnt me, and Im tired of being who I am not..



I love you baby.. and I cant help but feel this way.. I need you.. just come hold me and tell me everything will be all right.. just hold me...